Dear Amy: I have started two different progressive dinner groups with other couples in our neighborhood.
These dinners are held about three times a year for each group. It has lasted for six years.
I call to coordinate our open Saturdays and let the others choose the course they want to make (we swap over making the main course). This is a progressive walking dinner as we all want to live close together and drink safely.
My biggest annoyance is that some couples occasionally ask if they can ask a couple I don’t know to join us (these people don’t live in the area).
Including an extra couple means that this ‘new couple’ will provide some of the food but take it to one of the other couple’s houses rather than offering their own home as they live out of town.
I always say “no” with a gentle explanation, but I end up fighting with these women who are my good friends.
This has happened three times now. I gave in twice; The third time, I stood my ground and it became a chilly eight-month relationship.
When I’m the main course I get out of shape because I feed strangers and they only bring the salad.
After every dinner I always get thanked for putting this together as it takes persistence and we all have a great time. But how can I convince these women that it wasn’t my intention to invite additional people?
The funny neighbor
Dear funny neighbor: I don’t think you’re actually that much fun.
They’ve put a tremendous amount of effort into these dinners, but seem pretty strict on the parameters. New couples and guest couples can breathe new life into these events—and when participating couples have house guests the night of one of these dinners, it seems natural and logical that they ask if the new couples can bring a salad to share and enjoy these creative dinners .
Regardless of how I see the way you are dealing with this, you have been very clear about the limitations you have imposed and, given the tension you have all had to endure on this issue, I think you should assume that you got your point about.
Dear Amy: I have a friend who lacks any coping skills.
She can be very kind and generous, but then when a problem arises, she breaks down completely.
When something breaks at her house and she has to spend money, she gets very dramatic and acts like it’s the end of the world. She has a good job and I believe she can afford repairs at home.
She dates men who aren’t doing well, so the romance often falls apart quickly. After that, she will lie in bed for days, engaging in unhealthy coping strategies.
She will not seek help and nothing can cheer her up.
I’m tired of enduring this as it has been going on for many years and occurs almost monthly.
Other friends say we should persevere because she has good qualities, but I say enough is enough, she needs to be told how her behavior affects the friendship, and set boundaries if she decides to take it out on herself to act like that because she won I will not respond to our attempts to support her.
What do you think?
Exhausted
Dear exhausted: If your girlfriend has a nervous breakdown every month, I wonder if she has a hormonal imbalance that can be successfully treated.
This is just a theory, but the main issue is your right and responsibility to respectfully tell your girlfriend how her behavior affects you.
So tell her!
Say, “I really care about you, but your mood swings and extreme reactions bother me because I can’t help you when you’re feeling down. I wish you would seek professional help as it affects our friendship.”
Dear Amy: Upset wrote to you about a fight with his neighbor caused by Upset playing loud music on weekdays.
This got worse when the neighbor ranted about it on Facebook.
Thanks for pointing out what a toxic cesspool Facebook is.
I’m out
Dear I’m out: Facebook can be a toxic cesspool when people use it to spread rumors and tirades.
I miss seeing what my Facebook friends and their kids are up to – but my blood pressure tells me it was a good decision for me to leave this platform.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.