My husband never goes out and doesn’t like to vacation unless we’re staying in a cabin in the mountains, and even then he doesn’t see why we should pay our mortgage and rent somewhere else. He has never bought me a single piece of jewelry in my life. However, we both agreed before the wedding that a diamond engagement ring would be a waste of money.
He does all of his shopping at big box stores, buys in bulk, and wears clothes until they are worn out. He doesn’t use social media. From time to time we go out to eat the early bird menu – on special occasions like our anniversary. The most ironic thing about the whole thing? He’s an accountant! It’s incredible.
My husband works in IT and makes $90,000 a year. I’m a teacher and make $65,000 a year. We have a comfortable life. We have no children and our monthly mortgage payment is $1,600. We are about halfway through our loan term. We both have retirement accounts and are well on our way to living comfortably after we finally retire.
We have a good relationship and we’re in it for the long haul. I go out with my girlfriends when I need excitement, and my husband stays home with our dog and watches golf and cooking shows. To relax, he bakes cakes. But I wish we did more together, and if he made me feel special every now and then with a necklace or a bouquet of flowers, that would be nice too.
Is my husband the cheapest man in America? Or do I judge him harshly?
Long distance woman
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Dear long-haul driver,
There’s a major (free) silver lining to their story: When you hang up your chalk and your husband hangs up his mouse, you can rest assured that you haven’t wasted your retirement eating overly salted food in the restaurant hotel room with View of the parking lot. The more frugal and annoying the behavior you described in your letter, the more I liked your husband. A man who doesn’t spend all day scrolling on his iPhone AAPL!
I admire his independent spirit and self-control. He is a man who needs no validation via Instagram, Facebook META or TikTok. And I also appreciate that he doesn’t need to be out and about and meeting at five-star restaurants to feel validated. No $190,000 Tesla TSLA Model S Plaid for him! There is much to admire about your husband, and this is reflected in your letter.
The average U.S. household spends about $3,600 per year eating out – which equates to $300 per month. That’s more than the average annual vacation budget – which was $2,000 a year before the pandemic – and you could use it to finance a lot of things, like a gold bracelet or the occasional cruise. Imagine your husband on a cruise. He might love it! He might hate it! He would probably hate it. Or would he?
The lack of an engagement ring is a headline-grabbing detail, but it was a mutual and smart decision. Some people in the diamond industry suggest spending twice your monthly income on a ring. The diamond company DeBeers’ “A Diamond is Forever” marketing campaign, written by copywriter Frances Gerety in 1947, was a stroke of marketing genius.
Communicate your wishes. Suggest surprising each other with a monthly gesture of kindness. It’s the small acts of kindness that we remember: the person who comes up to us at a party because they see us standing alone; a friend’s kind word when we look tired and emotional; and yes, the partner who bakes a surprise cake, cooks dinner or buys flowers.
My final suggestion touches on something that runs through your letter: support – which goes both ways – and acceptance. Your husband seems to be more of an introvert, while you are on the other end of the spectrum. Being an introvert doesn’t always fit the social media age, where everyone is supposed to be a star on their lunch break.
Some studies have shown that introverts who behaved like extroverts increased their energy and mood, and although a certain level of performance in the workplace is required to make a good impression on colleagues and managers, climb the career ladder and get a promotion and To get a raise, it is also best to allow people to be themselves.
Introverts have a bad reputation in modern times. Extroverts may think they are rude, when in reality they are shy or just quiet. But there’s something nice about spending time with someone you love – like you do with your husband – and not having to talk or engage in an activity, but just occupying the same space and knowing that you want to be together . This is a good test for your upcoming retirement.
You’ve bought yourself something more valuable than an engagement ring – a retirement room that I hope will give you peace of mind. More than a third of Americans say they lose sleep over their finances. A financial therapist or counselor might help, but you can also regularly nudge each other about how you’re feeling and how you want your needs met.
In the meantime, enjoy your husband’s cakes. I’m sure they’re delicious.
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