I had never heard the term “perimenopause” until I went to my doctor because I couldn’t sleep.
As the doctor reviewed my medical records, he began asking seemingly random questions. Have I had any allergic reactions? Funnily enough, yes, I seemed to be sneezing almost constantly and my skin was itchy.
Hormonal changes can make women prone to allergies – who would have thought?
Was I particularly emotional? I thought back to the night I cried during a TV commercial. Yes, I replied, I was more like it.
Helena Frith Powell (pictured) says there are things her husband is not involved in. She advises that there must be some kind of secret to sustaining a marriage
“And how is your libido?” I don’t often get asked that question by a young, handsome doctor.
“It seems to be coming back,” I was tempted to reply, but instead I told him it was as good as dead, and had been for six months.
“I guess you’re in perimenopause,” he said, going on to explain that pre-menopause often affected women my age (I was 47 at the time).
I left the operation feeling disappointed. I was definitely “over the hill” now, and my body was telling me so. And that was just the appetizer—the main course, with even more hideous ingredients, was imminent.
At home my husband asked me what the doctor had said. Now there are many things that I share with my husband – actually we discuss pretty much everything. He knows me better than anyone.
But after 24 years of marriage, there are still certain things he just can’t get himself into. For example, I never stopped closing the door to go to the bathroom. That message from the doctor? Call it decency or call me old-fashioned, but there’s no way I’d tell him I’m about to go through menopause.
A recent survey found that half of women are similarly closed on the subject, hiding it from their partners. I’m not the least bit surprised. And why should that be bad? To keep a marriage going, there has to be a secret. And for men of my husband’s generation (he recently turned 60), the word “menopause” is totally off-putting. (The word “perimenopause” would be, too, if you had any idea what it meant.)
In fact, I firmly believe that nothing turns a man off of you more than addressing menopause; In fact, any mention of “women’s problems” usually makes her run for the mountains.
Helena says some of her friends have a theory that once a woman goes through menopause, men no longer find her attractive because they can’t bear children
When my husband asked me what the doctor said, I mumbled something about allergies and never mentioned a single symptom to him after that. He couldn’t be less interested and I don’t blame him.
I don’t understand why he would want to know that I’m having a hot flash or that I’m in a bad mood – which he can probably figure out for himself.
As for sex, it makes sense that menopause would stop people from having sex. After all, we are here to procreate. Sex is so irresistible because nature requires us to go out and reproduce to ensure the survival of the species. Once a woman enters menopause, she can no longer bear children, so she is no longer attractive, at least on a biological level.
My friend’s theory is that men’s dislike of menopause is partly related to their ego.
“They like to think of themselves as male, young bucks who only hang out with hot young women, even when they’re 80,” she tells me. “So if you really want sex, it’s best to keep quiet about it.”
Of course, many women in this phase of life do not want that – or at least not with their husbands.
If they leave, I’m afraid the feeling will be mutual. Yes, the perimenopausal surge in libido is also a recognized symptom — for the lucky few — but it’s not always our long-term partners who benefit.
A friend of mine found herself a toy boy. Everything was going like clockwork until one day he grabbed her thigh and tripped over an HRT patch. ‘What is that?’ he asked. “A vitamin patch,” she replied.
I haven’t gotten that far yet: I told my husband about my HRT patch when I started wearing it about four years ago when I entered full blown menopause. But it wasn’t a big deal, I just said, ‘This thing on my thigh is supposed to keep me from going crazy.’
Diagnosis is difficult because there are so many symptoms,44 ranging from itchy skin to depression, according to a recent report. But neither I nor any of my friends have met most of them and I was surprised by all the stories in the newspapers of women describing themselves as completely disabled by the symptoms.
There are 44 symptoms of perimenopause, including itchy skin and depression, and as such it can be difficult to diagnose
In my experience, it seems like just another woman problem that we can deal with without it affecting our relationships too much.
I can’t think of a single woman who misses her period – and there can be other positives as well. My mother said her confidence improved with menopause.
“I’ve always been way too gentle,” she told me. “Suddenly, I was responding to annoying situations in a way I never would have dared before. I finally had the confidence to tell people what I was really thinking.’
She quipped, “It’s a good thing I’m not married anymore – that could be grounds for a divorce.”
I think I was lucky to have such a smart family doctor who diagnosed me with perimenopause as opposed to depression or something else. Perhaps, like our son, he had undergone menopause awareness training at school.
Little did we imagine when we sent our son to an all-boys school that he would learn to recognize (and sympathize with) the symptoms of menopause.
Not content with the pressures of high school, the school hired a “menopausal influencer” named Lesley Salem to help the seniors understand and demystify “the change.” When I asked my son what he learned from the lecture, he said, ‘Nothing really, just that women go crazy at a certain age.’ So that was helpful.
I think all in all it might be better to keep boys – and men – in the dark.