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Hello Elaine: Last year, after graduating from college, I accepted a scholarship to teach in France. While there I met and fell in love with a truly wonderful man. I was totally pessimistic about dating as a straight woman. Every experience I’ve had has been upsetting at best and emotionally traumatic at worst. Then I met him. We fell in love and the whole experience restored my faith in love. He is gentle, loving, considerate and really appreciates me.
After a year and a half, my program ended and I returned to the United States when my visa expired and I couldn’t renew it. I ended up applying for jobs in the United States, got my absolute dream job and moved to New York City. Although he lives in France, my friend was born in a country that has an extensive visa process in the United States, even if it’s just for a visit. This has resulted in me being the one who can travel the most freely. However, I can only afford to fly to France every six months.
The only reasonable option seems to be that I move to France, which would mean losing the job that put me on the path to achieving my ultimate dream, or marrying him so he can go to the United States States can draw. I’m only 23, so I wouldn’t consider marriage right now. The third and most unfortunate option would be to end things. I am so tormented by this situation. i am so in love with him He supports, respects and adores me in a way I never thought possible with any other partner!
When we were talking about going our separate ways, we both cry so much we can’t finish the conversation. What can I do?! I’m so lost As I am undoubtedly the more privileged partner (white while a person of color, US citizen if not, more economically privileged professional while a laborer), I think I should use that privilege to face to stay together Of all these systems that have made complicated what should be easy: two people who love each other. Help!
Follow this authorElaine Welteroth
Overwhelmed: This reads like the plot of a heartbreaking romantic comedy. I’m on the edge of my seat. I do not say this to downplay this dilemma which you say plagues you. Instead, let’s borrow this movie plot metaphor to help you navigate. Sitting in the proverbial director’s chair of our lives can help us lose perspective when big emotions are clouding our perspective. When I don’t know what to do, I like to pretend my life is one of those books with multiple endings. What happens if we play through each of these alternate paths?
To recap the options you laid out: A. Move to France to be with him and quit your dream job. B. Getting married (sounds like you’re not really open to that) so he can move to the States. C. Break up. But what if there are more options? Experiment with choices that feel right for you at the time and allow for the greatest possible flexibility, knowing that if your feelings change, your choices may change as well. What is right for you today may be different from what is right for you next year.
I want to clarify option A: Please don’t quit your dream job just yet and risk your entire career for love. I usually try to keep my advice age independent, but in this case it’s very age specific. Different stages of life call for different priorities, and I believe the early 20’s are a crucial time to prioritize advancement as an individual. Making big decisions about other people too soon can limit your potential in ways that you may later regret or upset. Instead, allow this challenge to bring you both closer to your goals and focus on saving money to get where you both ultimately want to be together.
In the meantime, how can the two of you decide about yourselves, that is, your individual professional goals, and stay together? Depending on your company’s flexible working policies, could you spend part of the year working remotely or work towards taking on an international role? Can you and your partner speak to an immigration attorney to understand your options, even if the ultimate goal is still a long way off? What options are there for staying in touch despite the distance in the meantime?
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Don’t underestimate old-school romantic gestures. written letters. postcards. Pictures of each other that you keep at your desk or in your car. My assistant is about 20 years old and lives in a long-distance relationship. She swears by a bracelet that uses Bluetooth technology to send notifications between partners. No matter where her partner is, with a touch, her bracelet will light up, reminding him that he’s thinking of her.
Nice tricks aside, the reality is that long-distance relationships involve a lot of work that requires both partners to be on board and willing to compromise. Are you both ready for this? If so, how long are you willing to do this? Create a plan broken down into quarterly and annual goals and be ready to work on it. Having common goals will help keep your love’s long-term vision alive, even when the short-term reality isn’t ideal.
Be open about your dealbreakers and don’t leave anything open. Set up quarterly check-ins to take an honest inventory: Are you still feeling happy and connected? What works and what doesn’t? Do you still want to do this? Those checkpoints on the horizon will take some of the pressure off for now.
As my mother (and possibly every mother on earth) always says, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Only time will tell what purpose this man has served in your life. If the two of you survive this time apart, you could develop a deeper connection in the long run. When distance breaks you, you may walk away with more than you brought in.
To me, that’s the definition of a successful relationship. You’ve reached a new standard of what you deserve in a relationship and a newfound confidence that will prevent you from settling for less in the future. Call me a hopeless romantic, but let me remind you that it’s okay to believe in the love you’ve found. Just find a way to choose yourself too.
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