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Hello Carolyn: My husband and I are expecting our first child, the first grandchild in both of our families. We are already receiving messages from his family, who all live within a plane ride away, saying they want to come visit soon after she is born, asking about booking tickets etc. This makes me feel a lot of pressure to have a healthy child and a smooth delivery, right on schedule to meet her desire to be here right away.
My parents live nearby and my husband’s family seems upset that I want my parents – namely my mother – to be with me immediately after the birth while they are asked to wait, but that’s because that my mother is a great caretaker and cook. It will be of great help to me when I am in a fragile state, whereas the presence of people from out of town always feels more like hosting guests.
They also never once asked me how I was feeling during my pregnancy, so I don’t expect them to care about my health and well-being as much as my mother did.
My husband is very good at setting hard boundaries without explanation, but her texts and questions still make me feel selfish. Am I being unreasonable in asking her to wait a little over a month after my due date so that if something goes wrong, I don’t have to care for any scheduled visitors beyond that? Every time I have expressed concerns about my health or the baby’s health, my mother-in-law waves her hand away, basically saying that it will be the same for me because everything was fine with her.
Expected: You did it and you’re not doing anything wrong. This is about your baby’s health, your health and the bond with the baby. Everyone else can wait.
The fact that they don’t wait with patience and understanding only reinforces your decision to set your priorities the way you have. Giver first. The buyers are waiting [waves hand] Somewhere over there.
Of course, you don’t know how you’ll feel even then, but it makes sense to plant a flag a month after your due date and say “sometime after” when you have guests booking flights. You can’t have it both ways: you either book in advance on your flag date or they wait to see if you’re ready sooner and pay the extra for last minute travel.
As I’m writing this I’m just thinking, “Ugh, these people” and want to say that you are never obligated to take in someone who acts like a pill. Seriously.
But while that’s technically true, if you exclude the part of the family that your husband excludes, it also punishes him. And being 100 percent focused on your mother and 100 percent focused on your mother is likely to exacerbate your child’s insecurity and neediness. You will also be strengthened by a husband who supports you. This is huge.
So from here, I advise you to stick to your plan, stop messaging his family yourself about their travel booking needs, and make your husband the spokesperson and spouse for both of you: “These are the dates. Let us know.” No further discussion.
If you have a hotel within a convenient distance, consider this even for the historically least helpful “guests.”
· I would also recommend that Expecting talk to her husband about whether she should put him in charge of all communication with his family from now until after the baby is born – and perhaps forever. He can respond to harassing text messages without her having to know about them. If his family doesn’t respect these boundaries, they can block their phone numbers for the time being. There is absolutely no reason for them to communicate with these people right now.