Another year, another three weeks on our screens and another bunch of celebrities who would do anything for fame and fortune. Oh, okay, not quite anything.
But they’re generally happy to munch through kangaroo penises, get buried alive with snakes, and frantically forage through roaches to get a decent meal.
Lurking behind the foliage in the Australian jungle this year is the usual cast of well-known and lesser-known TV presenters, comedians, reality stars, soap opera actors and retired sports stars.
And Boy George, for goodness sake. Who always swore he would never move on but suddenly says he’s “bored sitting in the corner and being an icon”.
And, perhaps more appropriately, is being paid a record-breaking £500,000 for the privilege – and looking like a genie who has jumped out of a lamp with very, very white teeth.
JANE FRYER: Wherever you are Matt, please hurry! All we really want is for the big jungle silverback to crash into town (Matt Hancock lands in Australia for I’m a Celebrity
Some start strong – Loose Women’s Charlene White and former lioness Jill Scott MBE triumph against dizziness and anxiety. Coronation Street’s Sue Cleaver gropes her way through vats of fish eyes and guts, good old fashioned. Hollyoaks Owen Warner gets showered with roaches.
But comedian Babatunde Aleshe of Celebrity Gogglebox fails miserably at the very first task due to his crippling fear of heights.
(In fact, overall, these people seem to be scared of everything from spiders to heights, the outdoors, camping, being separated from their parents, to not getting a bi-weekly haircut.)
Of course, no one is (officially) in it for the money.
Slimmed-down former Radio One DJ Chris Moyles wants people to see he’s “not an asshole”.
And Boy George, for goodness sake. Who always swore he’d never move on but suddenly says he’s “bored of sitting in the corner and being an icon”
Handsome Owen wants people to hear his words, not his Hollyoaks character Romeo. Love Island’s Olivia Attwood wants to show that she’s really gung-ho and low-maintenance behind the lips and boobs.
For Matt Hancock – who hasn’t arrived yet – it’s all about “going where the people are” and continuing his dogged fight to get all children screened for dyslexia. Good old Matthias. What a star!
(In fact, such is his commitment to the cause that just a few weeks ago, when he should have been at the Tory party conference, the West Suffolk MP was sweating with Melinda Messenger and Danielle Lloyd in Thailand for Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS. and £40,000).
But be that as it may, hats off to many of them—all brimming with buoyancy and excitement before they get sick to death from rice and beans or choke on something unspeakable in the bushtucker attempts.
Meanwhile, Ant, 46, and Dec, 47, are frozen. A little chubby, a little richer, a little more settled in her personal life.
Because yeah it’s great to watch and Olivia and Chris skydive and Owen shows off his extraordinary chest and Mike Tindall MBE says he’d eat anything for the protein
And visibly thrilled to be back – for the 20th time – where they love it most, in the Australian jungle to take down hungry celebs who aren’t in their best shape and ignore Peta’s campaign to accuse them of cruelty to the poor to release snakes, cockroaches and lizards that could end up in the former health minister’s jungle pants.
Speaking of who… where on earth is he? He may still be counting his massive £400,000 gig fee. Or gently squeezes his partner Gina Coladangelo’s butt again to say goodbye. Or, who knows, maybe tackling a tiny bit of urgent constituency work.
Wherever you are Matt, please hurry! Because yeah it’s great to watch and Olivia and Chris skydive and Owen shows off his extraordinary chest and Mike Tindall MBE says he’d eat anything for the protein and the VIPs – Very Isolated People – are embracing their new status on one lonely island.
Loose Women’s Charlene White and former lioness Jill Scott MBE triumph against dizziness and anxiety
But all we really want is for the big jungle silverback to crash into town.
Maybe he’ll swing in on a liana, bared to the waist, and slap his pale, hairy chest. Or maybe he and his love trickster, Seann Walsh, will go kayaking together and agree on how it feels to be caught on camera doing the bastards to their long-suffering partners in front of millions.
However. Right now we just want him here so we can make sure he goes through every disgusting bushtucker trial.