Paula Froelich is a senior story editor at NewsNation and a New York Times bestselling author
Rome had Nero.
America has the executives at Peacock.
The desirous geniuses behind wildly popular smuts like Love Island and Temptation Island (has Epstein Island been taken?) have introduced an exciting new offering to the softcore porn genre: Couple to Throuple.
Like the participants in the show – the title gives it away too easily.
Here's the premise: Four “sex-positive” (read: licentious) couples gather in a tropical paradise to experiment with alternative lifestyles – while desperately horny singles vie to join them in a trio of early childhood traumas dubbed ” “Throuple” is known.
Think: Flavor Flav meets The Bachelor with more daybeds. And similar to Couple to Throuple's reality show predecessors, each contestant uses the same lingo.
Everyone is on a journey. They are all looking for connection and good energy. And they all swear they're in it for the right reasons.
After six episodes of the 10-part series, I felt like my soul had been infected with chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
Here's the premise: Four “sex-positive” (read: licentious) couples gather in a tropical paradise to experiment with alternative lifestyles – while desperately horny singles vie to join them in a trio of early childhood traumas dubbed ” “Throuple” is known.
After six episodes of the 10-part series, I felt like my soul had been infected with chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
Now, before we go any further, I want to be clear: I have nothing against adults voluntarily choosing who and how many partners they want. My motto is: If it doesn't hurt anyone, then what's the problem?
I am also an avid fan of the genre.
Nothing beats Love Island: Australia (Season 1). The winner was a smarmy charmer named Grant Crapp. His name, his neck tattoos and his good “Bantah” told you everything you needed to know about this young bachelor who may or may not have had a girlfriend waiting for him at home the entire time.
Spoiler alert: He did it!
It's just fun, but then there's this abomination – a devilish mix of the lowest tricks in the category. It's the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
The first episode opens on a sandy Nirvana (a random beach in Panama) as a voice says, “If you had a chance at non-monogamy in paradise, what would you do?” Has monogamy held us back?'
Legitimate question. A thousand years of cultural monogamy in Western civilization may have an answer to that, but move on…
Couple to Throuple is hosted by an ever-grinning guy named Scott Evans (who bangs a gong to signal the change of scene) and a “sex expert” Shamyra Howard – who plays Dr. Drew the sex expert.
Of course, someone who is really serious about exploring sexuality and helping others recover probably wouldn't do it on TV, but there's always the paycheck.
Then we are introduced to our couples who want to get married.
Couple to Throuple is hosted by an ever-grinning guy named Scott Evans (who bangs a gong to signal a change of scene) and a “sex expert” Shamyra Howard (above) – who plays Dr. Drew of Sexperting.
This abomination – a diabolical mixture of the lowest tricks of this category. It's the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
There's the gay couple Ashmal and Rehman (Ashmal: I'm bisexual and Rehman is everything sexual!'); ripped bodybuilding couple Dylan and Lauren (Dylan: “We’re already married, but we want others to feel our love”); African-American couple Sean and Brittne, who have absolutely no chemistry and who, according to Sean, “maybe can stop talking my head off and have a best friend” – no wonder they're looking for a third!
And there are married Burning Man dropouts Corey and Wilder (In case you're confused, Corey is the woman. Wilder has a porn bug and a mullet).
Corey has “trust issues” because Wilder tried to get into an affair without her while she was in the bathroom at a party.
Tomato, Tomahto.
This time she's in charge! She will be there when it starts!
Shortly after, we meet the lab rats (I mean singles).
“Bring out the beauties!” booms an off-camera master of ceremonies.
A long line of technically good-looking, toned men and women enters the pool area in various stages of undress.
Everyone is excited.
Ashmal (while staring at a man's bulging crotch in budgie smugglers) remarks, “He looked like Thor and the hammer was right there.”
Lest you think that Ashmal was just in it for physical reasons and was showing some degree of judgment, he adds, “We're from Chicago – gays in LA actually have a bit of a reputation.”
Corey and Wilder interview potential partners like this: “Do you climb? Kiss from the chef! She's a freak like a scorpion… I'm a Leo (chef's kiss!)'
Sean and Brittney have similarly intense conversations with their potential partners.
“Have you heard that the Earth has different chakra points? Joshua Tree is one!'
Brittne: “That’s profound.” Sean has seen ghosts. Do you have?'
'Definitely'
“Bring out the beauties!” booms an off-camera master of ceremonies. (Above) Lina Chang, a professional relationship designer, is one of 14 singles on Couple To Throuple
African-American couple Sean and Brittne (above, in a troupe), who have absolutely no chemistry and who, according to Sean, “maybe can stop talking my head off and have a best friend” – no wonder they're looking a third!
Corey and Wilder (above) interview potential partners like this: “Do you climb? Kiss from the chef! She's a freak like a scorpion… I'm a Leo (chef's kiss!)'
Brittne: “We’ll set the mood.”
The couples make their decisions and immediately go to bed. The potential partners say something like: “We feel like we already know you!”
Groaning, groaning and sheet sweating ensue – all captured on grainy surveillance video.
What comes next is…obvious.
Here we are, in a world full of ill-advised tattoos, fast fashion, spray tans and banana hammocks, where bad decisions are commonplace.
But don't just mistake this show as an excuse to broadcast orgiastic lovemaking, because there are deeply disturbing emotional breakdowns too.
Tears flow as the “trust” built over two wet nights in the sack is broken (wait until they get the medical bill!).
Couples are torn apart (although not enough in my humble opinion), jealousy arises and of course there is the desperation to not be left in the lurch at the final stay or swap ceremony.
Even if each candidate can't stand the people they deal with, the thought of not being chosen by two losers is just too overwhelming for our beauties.
There is shame, sadness and existential fear.
Groaning, groaning and sheet sweating ensue – all captured on grainy surveillance video. What comes next is…obvious. (Above) Corey and Single Denyse
Don't just mistake this show as an excuse to broadcast orgiastic lovemaking, because there are also deeply disturbing emotional breakdowns.
At the end of the first “Stay or Swap” ceremony, one of the participants who wasn't selected murmurs, “Maybe I dodged a bullet?”
All I can say is, “Yes.” Yes, you did.'
There's a twist in the latest episode: a new couple is introduced during the Garden of Eden party.
Host Sean: “This isn’t the real Eden – there are no forbidden fruits here!”
Maximo, a flamboyant homosexual man from Bushwick and Ash, his former lesbian lover: “We're from Bushwick, New York and our love overturns gender norms!”
(It doesn't make sense. But no one cares.)
Just before this sick chapter comes to a close, Maximo and Ash are given the opportunity to take on a third party – alone or together!
A cliffhanger. The tension doesn't kill me.
There isn't enough penicillin in the world to get me through the rest of this series.
And as the world burns and America faces a geriatric election defeat in adult diapers, ten idiots decide whether to stick with the idiot at their side or bring another idiot into their chaos.
I'd rather watch the news.