Doctor of Psychology, expert and researcher in psychoanalysis. Author and founder of Psipadvisor
No one should be in a relationship where the partner does nothing but make us feel used and unimportant. Nevertheless, it often happens that many aspects within a relationship are opaque or contradictory and you cannot understand whether the person you are really dealing with is only pursuing personal goals or not. The desire to love and be loved often causes us to lose our clarity and find it difficult to even perceive the dynamics unfolding before our eyes.
“Love is blind”, says a popular saying
Sometimes we love someone so much that we can’t see who they really are. Many people can become love blind and not realize that they are not getting the love they deserve, resulting in a kind of distorted reflection. The opportunistic partner generally assumes despotic behavior. Tends to monopolize everyday decisions: if and when to do things, who, how and when to meet certain people. He tends to shape the whole relationship to his liking. For example, if and when to go to the cinema, what film to see, when to eat, what restaurant to go to, what friends to go out with, when and where to go on vacation.
How to Tell if He Loves You or Taking Advantage of You: 6 Surefire Signs
Love is our source of life. What would we be without love? However, it often happens that this feeling causes pain. Oh yeah, because it hurts so much when we get into a relationship with people who just want to take advantage of us! Yet we are not always aware of this because they know how to deceive: they know how to catch their prey. And only when conquered do they show themselves for who they are and even emotionally manipulate the other to get what they want. They end up taking and not giving because in reality they have nothing to give except disappointments as they don’t even know how to love themselves.
We let go of expectations and become careful observers of the person who claims to love us. Being distant doesn’t mean you distrust the relationship or don’t believe in true feelings. In fact, it means protecting yourself from false feelings and preparing for true love that brings complete satisfaction. We owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves from toxic relationships. Ambiguous and contradictory behavior is the daily bread of the “used”. But what does it mean to be used in a relationship? Here are 6 key signs to understand if he loves you or is unhappily taking advantage of you out of ulterior motives.
1. He loves you when… you are his priority
He loves you when it makes you feel special and compliments you on your “NO” days too. When you are his priority over family, friends and work. In short, if he/she constantly proves to you that you are the most valuable thing to him/her, then he/she is the right person.
&Use you when… it doesn’t matter what you do
He doesn’t love you if he doesn’t care about you and what’s happening to you, if he doesn’t even remember a specific date, like the day you had to take an important exam. If he doesn’t ask how your day was and he doesn’t care what you do when you’re not together.
2. He loves you when… he accepts everything about you
We all have skeletons in our closet, things we might not even be proud of. Things we’d rather not tell each other, but when we tell them, we realize they’re not judging us. If your partner knows a lot about your past, including your dark moments, and accepts everything about you, chances are he loves you more than you think. Accepting all aspects of another person, not just the pleasant ones, is a sign of a mature and genuine relationship.
&Use you when… you feel guilty all the time
It seems like you can’t get anything right, whether it’s solving problems at work or choosing food for your dog at the grocery store. For him/her it is always your negligence. If you constantly feel like everything you’re doing isn’t being done right, it’s time to end the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with helping your partner be less superficial, but these changes shouldn’t be accompanied by derogatory accusations.
3. He loves you when… he only has eyes for you
Another sign of sincere love is the way the partner spends their free time. If he shows that he wants to spend every moment together, even if that involves shopping or afternoons chatting about subjects that would normally bore him, then his love is a given. Even more so if he doesn’t find it difficult to give up things that usually take precedence over everything else.
&Ti used when… frequently disappears
They had something planned and found an excuse at the last moment. Or it takes several hours to answer your calls and messages. Yes, sometimes he might be busy with other things, but someone who really likes us will always find the time to call us or maybe text us. Someone who does this probably doesn’t feel included in the relationship – they will date you if they have nothing better to do. You will soon learn to adapt to his needs.
4. He loves you when… he notices little details that make you happy
We all love big gestures, but it’s the small things that matter most. For example, remember the taste of our favorite ice cream, the things we like best and the things that annoy us. A person in love usually worries about how we are doing, how we are feeling and how we are living our lives. Therefore, asking how we have spent the day or paying close attention to any mood swings are signs that he is in love and that it is a deep feeling that will only grow.
&Ti uses when… never compromises
Compromising can be difficult, especially when the relationship is in its infancy, but that is the goal we should all focus on. Whoever loves you should respect your opinion and be willing to find the right balance so that you are both happy. If he doesn’t want to give up his “right” to decide everything, it’s probably time to end such a dominant relationship.
5. He loves you when… he respects you
Everyone in the couple must be able to express their thoughts and ideas without the other having to complain and criticize a priori. A fulfilling and complicit relationship is both physical and spiritual, in which complicity, understanding and trust cannot be lacking. All of this is the basis of mutual respect.
&He uses you when… he’s emotionally manipulating you
Does your partner know your strengths and weaknesses? You will be easy to manipulate to please his whims. This type of relationship is definitely unacceptable. If you find that he’s constantly nagging you when you shouldn’t, and if he’s using your fears to make you do or not do something, you need to step back and evaluate what’s going on.
6. He loves you when… he’s willing to solve your problems
In a couple relationship, it is not always easy to communicate effectively. Living together, stress and ever more pressing work and family commitments can sap the strength of a relationship. If he/she is willing to resolve the conflicts that arise between you instead of yelling and walking away, it can be a clear sign that he/she cares about you. Communication is key to a solid relationship and a partner who loves you should be able to put their ego aside and admit that they could also be wrong.
&Use it when… makes a public scene or disappears for several days
An authentic relationship is not based on humiliation. If your partner usually humiliates you, makes a scene in public and then disappears for days, they certainly don’t care about you. These behaviors can be a sign of emotional manipulation, an inability to control one’s emotions, or even a form of “punishment” for the things you did wrong. Someone who really loves you would never hurt you. It’s not love, we’re in the presence of something else: a selfish love for example, which can only affect emotional relationships because it lacks respect and attention.
To sum up..
A person in love listens, shares, pays attention to the other and accepts his mistakes, does not blame the other for his misfortune, does not dwell on what the other does not give him, but only concentrates on the journey together. Those who love you support you in your growth, they only want the best for both of you. Those who use you make you meet their expectations without asking what your needs might be. He only wants the best for himself. Those who love you respect your individuality and always try to understand you, while those who use you pretend to own you, ignore who you really are and always expect to be understood because their Needs and expectations always come first.
At this point, it’s fair to ask: how did I fall into the trap of mad love? Maybe you should ask yourself: How much do I love myself?
Maybe you don’t love yourself enough and that made you vulnerable. Aren’t you tired of begging for love and respect? Know that everything depends on you, on how you want to live your life. It’s time to realize that you are valuable to the universe. So give yourself the right value, the value you deserve! Love yourself and believe in yourself.
It’s time to radiate beauty, joy and happiness into your life
No one has an obligation to choose you, appreciate you, or share you with you, but equally no one has the right not to respect you, not even yourself. And the respect you show yourself will be the same respect that you also ask of others. Love and appreciate yourself for everything you are and not for what anyone makes you believe. And if someone neglects you or doesn’t appreciate you, that doesn’t mean someone else can’t love you for who you are… do everything possible to surround yourself with people who want you in their life, who give you the right value for your person. Your worth exists, you just have to believe in yourself.
Even as children they teach us not to disappoint others, to be obedient and not to be annoying. As we grow up, we focus our lives on what we can do for others, forgetting that there are many things we could do for ourselves. You have invaluable emotional resources and that goes without saying. What do you do when you care about someone? You care for him, you give him attention and appreciation…therefore your ability to love is not questioned at all. So why not try giving some of that attention to yourself? Why keep focusing your thoughts on one another when you could devote them to yourself? If you found truths that touched you deeply in the words you read earlier, know that you can find out! My second book came out a few days ago «We get sick with love, we heal with love». It’s an introspective journey that allows you to transform your wounds and defensiveness into unassailable self-love. Yes, because the armor that can protect you the most (from humiliation, injustice, disappointment and anger…) is self-love. The book is available in all bookstores in Italy or you can buy it on Amazon on this Amazon page.
Edited by Ana Maria Sepe, psychologist and founder of the journal Psicoasvisor
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