Good relationships are more important to happiness than money and success, a new book based on the longest-running study of human happiness has shown.
The Good Life is based on the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is among the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted.
The study followed the lives of 724 Boston men for 80 years beginning in 1938 and then looked at their baby boomer children.
Robert J. Waldinger, the psychiatrist and Zen priest who is leading the study, told : “The biggest surprise is that good relationships not only make us happy as we go through life, but our bodies and our brains keep healthier and we live longer.’
Good relationships are more important to happiness than money and success, a new book based on the longest-running study of human happiness has shown
The book is based on interviews that regularly measure people’s “satisfaction with life” in their lives – and upend many of our assumptions about what leads to happiness.
Waldinger’s TED Talk ‘What makes a good life? Lessons from the Longest Study of Happiness” has been viewed 44 million times.
He says the book, which came out in January, “delves deep into the way relationships support our well-being.”
Below are some of the lessons about happiness in The Good Life:
Having friends makes you live longer
Social bonding is strongly linked to health and longevity, the researchers say.
They point to a 2010 study that showed people with strong social ties had a 50 percent higher chance of surviving each year.
The researchers write: “These are very large associations, comparable to the effect of smoking or cancer. And smoking is the leading cause of preventable deaths in the United States.’
“Over time, study after study, including our own, reinforces the link between good relationships and health.”
What society says will make us happy, it won’t
Our society bombards us with messages about what makes us happy – from influencers flaunting their wealth on social media to advertising.
But culture misleads people into assuming that a new car, job or product will make them happy – and some of the most miserable people in the study were wealthy and “successful”.
The authors write: “Ads tell us that eating this brand of yogurt will make us healthy, buying this smartphone will bring new joy into our lives, and using a special face cream will keep us young forever.”
Participants in the study who don’t make time for people found themselves isolated — and desperately unhappy.
A man slowly lost contact with his wife and children and ended up alone apart from a neighbor with whom he watched TV.
One culprit is the time Americans spend in media, including television and social media, which now totals 11 hours a day.
The researchers write: “For someone who is 18, that’s 28 years before they turn 80.
“But most of us have friends and family who give us energy that we don’t see often enough. Are you spending time with the people who matter most to you?’
Writing down who supports you can help
To build a healthy support network, the researchers advise writing down who supports you and who you support in different categories.
Support can take the form of Safety and Security, Learning and Growth, Emotional Closeness and Trust, Sharing Experience, Romantic Intimacy, Healing, and Fun and Relaxation.
To build a healthy support network, the researchers advise writing down who supports you and who you support in different categories (file image).
The researchers write: “Are there people in your life that you would like to support more? If you have people in your life who care about others or who are going through a lot of life stresses, are there ways you can be there for them and make sure they have support themselves?’
Happiness is not a goal
The authors say that happiness is not a goal but a process and that happiness is unlocked by going through difficult times with people.
The study is filled with people who are struggling in their lives but remain happy through their strong relationships.
The authors write: “The good life is joyful. . . and challenging. Full of love but also pain.
And it never actually happens; instead, the good life unfolds over time. It’s a process.
“It includes turmoil, calm, ease, strains, struggles, achievements, setbacks, leaps forward and horrible falls. And of course the good life always ends in death.”
Be smarter
To build your relationships with other people, the authors advise approaching problems “wiser.”
This is Observe, Interpret, Choose (one response), Engage, Reflect – take time to reflect at each stage of your response.
The psychiatrist authors joke that this can be described as, “Don’t just do something… sit there!”
Happiness is not a goal but a process and that happiness is unlocked by going through difficult times with people
They write: “If we want to learn from our experiences and do better next time, we have to do more than just go through them. We have to reflect.
“Next time, maybe we can take the extra split second to think things over and clarify our situation
Set goals, consider ways to respond, and move the needle of our lives in the right direction.’
Happiness can be found anytime
It is common for people to feel “trapped” in their unhappy lives or that there is nothing they can do to change.
One watchmaker in the study was trapped in an unhappy marriage all his life – but when he separated from his wife at the age of 68, he began socializing with people from his local gym on a daily basis.
It is common for people to feel “trapped” in their unhappy lives or that there is nothing they can do to change
His happiness score rose to the highest possible value.
Many participants in the study also had unhappy childhoods, or childhoods spoiled by drunk or abusive parents, but later led to happy lives.
The authors write: “Your way of being in the world is not set in stone. It’s more like they’re set in sand. Your childhood is not your destiny. Your natural disposition is not your destiny. The neighborhood you grew up in is not your destiny. The research shows this clearly.”
The Good Life and how to live it: Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger and Marc Shulz is available now.