Ever had that awkward moment at a dinner party when one of your guests compliments you on one of your dishes – only to be followed by an unwelcome “but I’ll use X,Y,Z instead”?
Well, it seems you’re not alone, as HuffPost reports that millions of Americans have been exposed to this passive-aggressive behavior known as insidious comparison eating, or ICE.
One of them was writer Kerry Crisley, who was asked by an in-law for a shepherd’s pie recipe, which she served at a family gathering.
“I served Shepherd’s Pie and she asked me for the recipe. It was flattering and made me feel like a good hostess,” she said.
“However, the next time I see her, she tells me, ‘I made your recipe for dinner,’ and then goes on to tell me that she changed everything.
Ever had that awkward moment at a dinner party when one of your guests compliments you, followed by an unwelcome “but I’ll use X,Y,Z instead”? (Picture from a picture agency)
“I top my shepherd’s pie with cheddar mashed potatoes. She just used a little shaved parmesan. Instead of mashed potatoes, she used scalloped potatoes. Instead of beef, she used ground turkey. And she used half the Worcestershire sauce.
“But still (and that’s the kicker) it was ‘my recipe’. I went from being a good host to a lousy cook.”
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This faux pas, detailed by Kerry, is an example of ICE, and one etiquette expert says it’s a huge dining no-no.
Jackie Vernon-Thompson, founder of Florida’s From The Inside Out School Of Etiquette, says people might think it’s “perfectly okay” to get used to their feedback with a compliment, but it’s not.
“When someone compliments the chef, they advise them how they would or do it differently. This would be called a “complisult”. A compliment mixed with an insult,” she told .
“They might think it should be perfectly fine because they added a compliment into the equation. No no no.
“What some may not realize is that if you make a statement and follow it with the word ‘but’, then you make another statement, essentially negating what was said before the word ‘but’. The emphasis is now on the latter statement.
“Another thing to consider is that it is improper etiquette to interject such a statement as to what you would do instead of what was done.”
Well it seems you are not alone as millions of Americans have been exposed to this passive-aggressive behavior (stock image)
As a guest, Jackie says it is “your duty to focus on making the individual feel valued”.
“It’s always important to consider the fact that the individual invests time, effort and, in many cases, passion in preparing the meal provided,” she said.
“After the food has been served, it is appropriate for you as a guest to say thank you for the food and the effort put in.
“We should be positive and encouraging and of course consider our actions and words.”
Etiquette expert Jackie Vernon-Thompson says people might think it’s “perfectly okay” to get used to their feedback with a compliment, but it’s not
By not doing the above, it sends the wrong message and “communicates to the individual that what they have prepared is not good enough or that there is a shortage of ingredients”.
“It also implies that your ingredients or your way of preparing them are better than theirs. The translation is: They don’t appreciate it,” says Jackie.
The etiquette expert says such statements are “inappropriate and simply unnecessary” and that you should shut up.
“As a child, I often heard my late and phenomenal mother say, ‘If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything,'” Jackie said.
“Such a statement will only hurt a person’s feelings and make them feel inadequate and essentially break their hearts.
“If you want to give the chef an authentic compliment, I encourage you to do so with a smile and pause on the compliment.
‘Everyone is different. Every taste is different. What may be palatable to you may not be palatable to another.’
However, ICE is nothing new, it’s a phenomenon that has been around for hundreds of years, HuffPost reported.
The economist and sociologist Thorstein Veblen wrote in his 1889 study of wealth and consumerism, The Theory Of The Leisure Class, that wealthy people used a hateful comparison to distinguish themselves from the lower classes.
He described it as “a process of evaluating people in terms of their worth” that led to behavior where someone publicly boasted about assets they considered superior.