In Celebrity Beyond the Gwyneth Paltrow approved cruise ship for people

In Celebrity Beyond, the Gwyneth Paltrow-approved cruise ship for people who don’t like cruises

Beat the drums, blast the trumpets – and meet Kate McCue, the first American to command a cruise ship. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. And she’s just one of the stars aboard the nearly 3,000-berth Celebrity Beyond.

McCue, who bears more than a passing resemblance to actress Sandra Bullock, walks around with a badge on her jacket that reads, “Please don’t call it a boat.” (It’s always ships in cruise lingo, apparently). And with a proud step, she means business.

Celebrity Beyond gets more starry. Enter (though sadly she’s not here) Gwyneth Paltrow, who has partnered with Celebrity Cruises as a health advisor with her lifestyle brand Goop. From smoothies to yoga sessions, there are healthy elements everywhere on Beyond. I can definitely vouch for the deep tissue massage at the spa. It took at least 50 people to wake me up afterwards.

Nick Redman sails from Southampton on her maiden sailing on the nearly 3,000 berth Celebrity Beyond pictured

Nick Redman sails from Southampton on her maiden sailing on the nearly 3,000 berth Celebrity Beyond pictured

Gwyneth Paltrow has worked with her lifestyle brand Goop as a wellness consultant with Celebrity Cruises

Gwyneth Paltrow has worked with her lifestyle brand Goop as a wellness consultant with Celebrity Cruises

In my day (in the 1970s), the words “celebrity” and “cruises” in the same sentence always meant that Kenneth Williams, Sid James and the Carry-On crew misbehaved somewhere on the ocean wave.

How long ago is that as I take in my surroundings on Beyond’s first sailing this week from Southampton – out into a clear blue, unseasonably brown English Channel that could easily pass for the sea off Mykonos.

Forget big buffets and water slides. This ship – like its siblings Edge and Apex (a fourth named Ascent and an unnamed fifth are in the pipeline) – is determined to herald the changes. In fact, Celebrity Beyond is the cruise ship for people who think they won’t like cruising. Whether it works is another matter, but you have to admire the chutzpah.

Gwyneth Paltrow might not be to everyone’s tastes — let’s not forget that she gifted the world a candle titled “This Smells Like My Vagina” — but what’s being sold here on board is a little less controversial. It contains Goop Glow Lotion, Goopgenes Nourishing Lip Balm and G.Tox Detoxifying Superpowder.

From smoothies to yoga sessions, there are healthy elements everywhere on Beyond, according to Nick.  Above is his spa area

From smoothies to yoga sessions, there are healthy elements everywhere on Beyond, according to Nick. Above is his spa area

“I can definitely vouch for the deep tissue massage at the spa.  It took at least 50 people to wake me up afterwards,

“I can definitely vouch for the deep tissue massage at the spa. It took at least 50 people to wake me up afterwards,” Nick writes. Above is one of the spa’s treatment rooms

So far so crazy. Next I look at The Theater which has a show called Arte. It’s a gallop through a century of art with a screen projecting Roy Lichtenstein- and Klimt-like imagery.

And where on a ship anywhere in the world will you find an art gallery – called The Art Gallery – that holds auctions? Chris Greyvenstein, who works for Park West Gallery and sells on board, tells me, “About an hour ago I received 18 autographed Salvador Dalis.” He is hoping to sell the lot.

To continue the artistic touch, there’s an “immersive transitional space” on the way to dinner. It’s a glass-mirrored gallery of chunky bronze sculptures to sit on. Why? Search for me. Apparently it’s meant to stimulate the senses – hence the vanilla aroma wafting in the air – as you walk through Eden at the stern.

A relaxation room in the spa.  Passengers can invest in wellness products - like Goop Glow Lotion - from Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop brand

A relaxation room in the spa. Passengers can invest in wellness products – like Goop Glow Lotion – from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand

“Sometimes it doesn't even feel like a ship.  It's more like a Manhattan design hotel that's floated out to sea,

“Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a ship. It’s more like a Manhattan design hotel that’s floated out to sea,” writes Nick. Above is the ship’s spa area

With its geodesic-style window panes, this multi-story restaurant might look like the pterodactyl aviary in Jurassic World, but it serves down-to-earth food, including excellent Beef Wellington. And there’s a fine line when it comes to ecological-sounding cocktails like Clouds.

Captain Kate is right. This is not a boat and at times it doesn’t even feel like a ship. It’s more like a Manhattan design hotel that’s floated out to sea.

My ice-cold “cabin” is furnished by designer Kelly Hoppen, TV’s much-lauded queen of stone tones. Among other things, she created The Retreat up on the upper deck.

1651300664 854 In Celebrity Beyond the Gwyneth Paltrow approved cruise ship for people

“Celebrity Beyond is the cruise ship for people who think they won’t like cruises. Whether it works is another matter, but you have to admire the chutzpah,” writes Nick

TRAVEL FACTS

Celebrity Beyond is offering a seven-night cruise from Fort Lauderdale on November 13 from £1,579 per person (celebritycruises.com).

It’s what you might call an exclusive resort within a resort, where guests who are happy to pay a premium can book Instagrammable two-story apartments with plunge pools or huge royal suites. I tour decks of impeccably styled bars and restaurants that wouldn’t look out of place in Paris, Mumbai or London. Among them is Normandy, with its rose-colored Art Deco look; Cyprus and Tuscany; and the intimate Le Voyage: the first restaurant at sea by world celebrity chef Daniel Boulud.

The strangest feature of Celebrity’s Edge-class ships is the magic carpet – think of a large elevator with windows that can be moved up and down the side of the hull to different floors. Depending on the time of day, this can serve as a lobby to welcome guests on board or as a hip spot for drinks.

After this episode, I head to the Grand Plaza, the centerpiece of the ship, for a second cocktail, centered around the sumptuous Martini Bar lit by a stunning chandelier. And I like how the drinks menu informs you, “All martinis are available in super-size.”

I finally sit down outside at the Sunset Bar and am lucky enough to meet Nemanja Markovic from Montenegro. If anyone can make the Bournemouth coast feel like midsummer in Bodrum, it’s Nemanja and one of his super-kicky Marrakesh mules. I raise a glass to a new departure for cruising.