In order to avoid infidelities and maintain a good relationship in the long term, planning intimate life at the table is completely counterproductive. Corresponding Marco Inghilleri, Psychotherapist, sexologist and vice-president of the Italian Society for Sexology and Sex Education (Sises), “It is impossible to formalize a state that cannot be formalized; Marriage should be the culmination of falling in love”. In short, the recipe Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck who have included a frequency of 4 sexual intercourses per week as a clause in the marriage contract is not sufficient to save the couple.
Let’s start with a fixed point. What to do for a good relationship
«We have to remain true to ourselves because of our needs or the choices we have made. In general, people choose each other because, in the reality of things, the other is the answer to a need, to an expectation ».
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have sex four times a week in their prenup
So is there no point in laying down the rules of intimacy with fixed days of the week and signing them into a contract, as bizarre as possible?
«Those who do it are looking for certainty in a situation that is human and, precisely because it is like that, cannot be formalized. He is looking for contractual security. In short, he wants the impossible. Let’s not forget that the contract form results from our society being performative. Indeed, the problems of sexuality stem precisely from the widespread tendency to measure sexuality which, on the other hand, is not measurable in terms of performance.
Are there general guidelines in couple life, also according to age, or a series of standard benefits?
«No, you have to know how to adapt the couple’s story from time to time to suit different needs. That is, it starts with a whole bunch of assumptions related to falling in love, but then after 5 years, even on a biological question, the lust wears off. However, we only get into a crisis if we try to substantively parameterize the current relationship with the initial assumptions.
So what are you doing?
«It is necessary to have the ability to transform sexuality from an erotic dimension into an affective one, into a manifestation of love. Generally, in a couple relationship, we begin with the unhealthy expectation of feeling loved, but then over time we need to be able to learn that loving is more important than being loved.
And can this be enough to avoid marital infidelity?
“First, it would allow us to get out of the commercial dimension of do ut des, which requires contractual commitment; and then also of a paradoxical blackmail, that is, I only love you if you do what I tell you. Instead, love itself is a free act».
But what are the signs of an intimate life that is no longer satisfactory?
“The sexual problem, when there is no organic component, is always the testimony of some form of personal or interpersonal malaise. Sexual intercourse cannot be separated from one’s identity organization. We are not machines, we are people ».
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