Jessa Duggar announced this week that she miscarried towards the end of her first trimester over the holidays.
The 19 Kids and Counting star said in an emotional 18-minute YouTube video titled “Heartbreak over the Holidays” on Friday that she was 11 weeks old and had experienced a brief period of observation. So she and husband Ben Seewald braved the wintry weather to see a doctor.
She said as soon as a technician started looking at the baby on an ultrasound, “I could tell there was some concern in her voice.”
“The tech said, ‘Well, the pouch looks fine, the baby doesn’t.’ Honestly, nothing could have prepared me for the weight of those words at that moment.
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Jessa Duggar shared on Friday that she had a miscarriage in an emotional YouTube video. (Jessa Seewald/YouTube)
“I was just in total shock,” she said, adding that she allowed herself to get “hopeful” because there was little spotting. “I didn’t even have words. I just started crying right away. And I was so, so grateful in that moment that I hadn’t gone to that appointment alone, because I almost did. And Ben was there and he put his arms around me.”
After losing the baby, she had to go to the hospital for surgery. She said the “most devastating” part was “waking up after the procedure and having this hollow feeling inside, knowing the life that was inside you is gone, and you’ve never seen your baby and that said goodbye.”
The 10 to 15 minutes after the procedure, “lying there cold and alone before being taken back to the room where Ben and my mom were waiting were probably some of the hardest of my life,” she said.
The reality star said she’s wondered if she’s done anything wrong during her pregnancy, like not taking her prenatal vitamins because she suffers from severe morning sickness.
“But we can know that we didn’t do anything intentionally to harm our baby,” she added of mothers who are experiencing this loss.
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“It’s been a journey and one I’m still on, but I can say I’m so grateful to have my four babies and to be able to come home this evening and hug my little ones. It’s just such a tremendous consolation. “
Jessa Duggar said she was “so grateful” for her four children. (Jessa Seewald/YouTube)
Duggar said she told her husband she couldn’t imagine being a woman who lost her first baby and not having a child to hold when she returns home.
“As you go through the loss, your heart goes out to mothers who are struggling with infertility and who have lost babies. It’s very painful,” she said.
They decided to tell their children and a few others about the pregnancy before the end of their first trimester, and she said her entire family is still processing the miscarriage.
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“Losing someone so dear to you just makes heaven sweeter,” Duggar said. “We’ve talked a lot about it with the kids and we can’t wait to meet this little one in heaven someday.”