Johnny Oleksinski
theatre
March 24, 2023 | 12:01 a.m
What the hell?
For a musical with the drunken confidence to put the word “Bad” before a classic title, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Bad Cinderella,” which premiered Thursday night on Broadway, doesn’t have much bragging and swagger onstage. Or brain cells.
theater criticism
2 ½ hours with a break. At the Imperial Theater at 249 West 45th Street.
It’s a mess with multiple personality disorder. From start to finish, throughout this bewildering and often boring fairy tale twist – and, oh, does it twist – you’re never quite sure what you’re looking at or why you’re looking at it.
It’s partly a Nickelodeon-style cute teen comedy: a superficial character remarks about someone’s looks, “There are peasants! There are rags!” And Cinderella’s romance with her geeky prince is reduced to a “friend zone,” misunderstandings he likes. The love story at the center has no drama.
Linedy Genao and Jordan Dobson play Cinderella and Prince Sebastian in Bad Cinderella on Broadway. Evan Zimmerman
Then there’s Lloyd Webber’s lavishly orchestrated and melodic ballads, which — all chandeliers aside — are the reason we come to every show of his. The wonderful song “Only You, Lonely You”, sung not by Cinderella but by Prince Sebastian (Jordan Dobson), is the musical’s best moment, which is unfortunate because it happens in the first 25 minutes.
Cinderella’s “I Know I Have A Heart (Because You Broke It)” and “Far Too Late” are lovely — the overly verbose lyrics are by David Zippel — but there’s no powerful narrative build to help them soar like they do they should.
Not keen on ballads or teen flirts? “Bad Cinderella” is also a strip show by the Chippendales. A fun bunch of shirtless beefcakes called the Hunks dance, jab, do push-ups and lift weights.
Occasionally a bunch of beefcakes called the Hunks will take the stage to dance and work out shirtless. Evan Zimmerman
If you’re confused, that’s okay. Me too. Overall, the musical makes as much sense as looping The Rum Tum Tugger.
I first saw the show in London in autumn 2021, and for 17 months I’ve been scratching my head: What exactly makes Cinderella so bad?
The edgy title is misleading. Featuring a terrifying book of meme quotes by Emerald Fennell, the writer and director of Promising Young Woman, Bad Cinderella is truly about society’s unfair standards of beauty. But they couldn’t call it “not blonde Cinderella” very well.
The musical is obsessed with looks: it’s set in a hamlet called Belleville (beautiful town en Francais), the opening number sung by its residents is “Beauty is Our Duty,” and the fairy godmother (Christina Acosta Robinson) is now a ridiculous magic-free cosmetic surgeon who sings a number called “Beauty Has a Price” before operating on Cinderella.
Fittingly, better than West End, Gabriela Tylesova’s sultry costumes could well be rented out to some Beauty and the Beast porn.
Linedy Genao sings Cinderella’s “I want” song “Easy To Be Me” which is too low in energy. Evan Zimmerman
Because the outcast Cinders herself is dressed like a minor character from The Mandalorian, she is nicknamed “Bad Cinderella” by the nasty villagers. She’s a discarded Hester Prynne, with only a scarlet “B” and not enough personality or meaningful character development to sustain a 2 1//2 hour show.
Her only rebel move comes right at the start, when she defaces a memorial statue of Sebastian’s older brother, Prince Charming, who just died in the war, with a sign that reads “Beauty Sucks.” They definitely couldn’t call it “Smart Cinderella”.
In the title role, an appealing Linedy Genao tries to give the girl some gusto. Each line is delivered confrontationally, even if it doesn’t make much sense, but the material is razor-thin and the character inherently lacks star quality.
That’s especially true of her early song “Easy To Be Me,” in which Cinderella explains how she wants to move to a place where she can be herself and “where nobody rolls their eyes.” It’s a quiet, wishy-washy tune without the burning need of “Some People” from “Gypsy” or “I’ll Know” from “Guys and Dolls”. Her lifelong dream is a shrug – and so is her story.
Jordan Dobson as Prince Sebastian has the show’s best musical moment singing “Only You, Lonely You.” Evan Zimmerman Adele (Sami Gayle) and Marie (Morgan Higgins) want to marry Prince Sebastian (Jordan Dobson). Evan Zimmerman
After the death of Prince Charming, Sebastian is forced by his mother, the Queen (Grace McLean), to find a wife at a ball and then have a royal wedding. “Invite every girl in the kingdom and get VIP access!” goes one of the lame lines. Seb and Cinders have been best friends since childhood and she is upset when he wants her to come to the party with him “as a friend”.
But Cinderella’s stepmother (Carolee Carmello) blackmails the queen with sordid details of her past in order to get the ring to one of her terrible daughters, Adele (Sami Gayle) and Marie (Morgan Higgins).
McLean and Carmello go head-to-head with oversized celebrity personalities; However, there are no big laughs in this entire show. “Bad Cinderella” is content to be silly, not funny.
Carolee Carmello is Cinderella’s cruel stepmother. Evan Zimmerman
Or particularly romantic. Cinderella and Sebastian living out their future together receive at best casual audience support, and the ending is completely insane.
Lloyd Webber’s music – some, not all – is the redeeming element of the show. The directing and the design left me cold again. Tylesova’s spooky roots and branches are attractive but feel a world away from, say, a whimsical plastic surgery scene or a group of shirtless warriors summoned by the cat.
And director Laurence Connor is no Hal Prince or Trevor Nunn. He almost never stops spinning his turntable on stage, hoping to mesmerize the audience into actually enjoying themselves.
This isn’t Lloyd Webber’s worst musical. There are no trains on roller skates (from “Starlight Express”) and thankfully we don’t have to spend minutes listening to the song “Seeing Is B Believe” (from “Aspects of Love”). We’re not talking “Love Never Dies” here.
But Bad Cinderella would have been better off staying at home than going to the prom.
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