For a trial that could easily be described as “Gwynnie vs. the Little People,” Friday brought an unexpected twist: Gwyneth Paltrow may be right here.
I know – shocking! It’s real Bizarro World stuff, nothing that anyone saw coming. Mainly because what’s being said here sounds like Gwyneth – crashing into an old man on a ski slope and rushing off, cursing him for daring to stand in her way, leaving him unconscious, with four broken ribs and a traumatic brain injury, Paltrow was so unnerved she ran away to get a massage.
This scenario, as asserted by plaintiff Terry Sanderson, thus appears entirely trademark compliant.
Do you remember the Vespa video? It’s a perennial meme how Gwyneth clipped a moving school bus without looking and almost caused a crash with her then 9-year-old daughter Apple on the back of her scooter.
And Gwyneth was Gwyneth to the core during that trial: sipping green juice while listening to testimony about the plaintiff’s injuries. She hid her face from nonexistent paparazzi behind her $250 Smythson notebook, which she recently gushed about in a video for her luxury brand Goop.
“What I love about it is that the paper isn’t lined,” Paltrow said, “so it doesn’t limit me. I can just express myself all over the page.”
And wow, Gwyneth expressed herself all over this courtroom: the pouts, the frowns, the pale expressions of boredom, the barely concealed text messages during testimony. She chose to wear $1,200 Celine Triomphe leather boots, a $1,600 Celine bag, her own $595 G. Label cardigan, $425 wide-leg pants, and jewelry worth $65,000 in court.
Nothing says a lot like carrying a down payment on a home.
Oh – and her gracious, not out of step, offer to bring treats to the bailiffs as “gratitude” for their service. This isn’t a VA, honey. Bailiffs are professionals doing their jobs.
And wow, Gwyneth expressed herself all over this courtroom: the pouts, the frowns, the pale expressions of boredom, the barely concealed text messages during testimony. She chose to wear $1,200 Celine Triomphe leather boots, a $1,600 Celine bag, her own $595 G. Label cardigan, $425 wide-leg pants, and jewelry worth $65,000 in court.
This scenario, as alleged by plaintiff Terry Sanderson (above), thus appears entirely trademark compliant.
But this is the Gwyneth we know. The Gwyneth who once said, ‘I am who I am; I can’t pretend I’m someone who makes $25,000 a year.” The Gwyneth who said, “I’d rather smoke crack than eat canned cheese.” Whose “wood-burning pizza oven in the backyard” was ” one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
Her lead attorney, Steve Owens, is equally repulsive. Watching him was a ratification of water seeking its own stand, a client and her attorney perfectly matched: Owens repeatedly tries to tell the judge what to do. Jokingly, viewers of the accident didn’t know Gwyneth was divorced from “the Coldplay guy.”
Reader, would you believe these peons didn’t know Chris Martin by name?
Owens delivered his opening statements next to a large drawing of Lady Justice – I couldn’t make that up – just in case the jury couldn’t understand his pedantic explanation that the judiciary should be blind and that they shouldn’t convict a fabulously wealthy celebrity should person for being fabulous, wealthy and famous.
Owens is smirking condescension, open hostility and haughtiness personified. Surely someone that bad wouldn’t see this guy as a liability.
Yet, incredibly, on the fourth day, when Gwyneth took the stand, it began to look like the trial was going in her favor.
Well, yes, of course – she’s an actress. She can play sad, clueless, confused, and self-righteous.
But at least one other witness, plaintiff’s daughter Shae Sanderson, was far more theatrical, far less believable, and appeared far more deliberately blunt on the stand. And Shae is a woman who speaks Gwyneth’s language!
There was much “standing in the truth” and “honoring another’s journey” and dodging testimony in pre-trial statements. For example: Her father Terry suffered from hearing loss and had lost sight in one eye long before the accident. That Shae was shocked himself, he first tried to sue Paltrow for $3 million because he thought that was way too much money. (A judge dismissed that, ruling that he could only sue Paltrow for $300,000; Paltrow is suing for $1 and reimbursement of attorney’s fees.)
That her father was delighted to search his name on Google after the collision and see it on numerous links. Shae apparently said in her depo that her father didn’t know who hit whom after the crash. That her father had his own history of recklessness, once driving 70 miles an hour down a freeway while reading a book with his young child in the vehicle.
What is being claimed here sounds like Gwyneth crashing into an old man on a ski slope and sprinting off, cursing him for daring to stand in her way, leaving him unconscious with four broken ribs and a skull -Brain trauma, Paltrow so unnerved she ran off for a massage.
Gwyneth was Gwyneth to the core during this trial: she sipped green juice while listening to testimony about the plaintiff’s injuries. She hid her face from nonexistent paparazzi behind her $250 Smythson notebook, which she recently gushed about in a video for her luxury brand Goop.
Could public sympathy actually lie with Gwyneth Paltrow? Could she really be the victim of a frivolous lawsuit?
Would America cheer if she wins?
Well, let’s not go that far. This test unlocks a real “eat the rich” moment in our culture. There’s no one to cheer for here. Sanderson’s complaints include being unable to enjoy wine tastings as a result of the collision.
Gwyneth’s lawsuits include ruining nearly $9,000 in private ski lessons for her and her then-boyfriend’s children.
It’s real one percent stuff, but it’s impossible to look away. Not as dark as Depp-Heard or as serious as Alec Baldwin’s upcoming trial, Sanderson v. Paltrow is a celebrity trial for our shaky economic times: two arrogant, outspoken people being forced down to earth — or as close as they can get get – in a fight for a few hundred thousand dollars and justification.
However, Gwyneth has done well by taking a stand. She was calm, collected, and stuck to a very specific story: That she panicked when she saw a pair of skis slip between her own feet, which were about 18 inches apart. That Sanderson was behind her and collided with her. And that she got up after the collision, asked if he was okay, and when he said yes — with her ski instructor now on site — Paltrow walked away, safe in the knowledge that that ski instructor would take care of the details.
Not the best look – but hey, it’s Gwyneth, and details are for the little people. The help.
And she wore no discernible labels! For her appearance on the stand, Gwyneth chose a simple black blouse with a Peter Pan collar buttoned to the neck, a long black skirt and chunky black boots. The $65,000 gold necklaces were gone. She sipped elegantly from a green glass water bottle while plaintiff’s attorney, Kristin VanOrman, in an ill-fitting powder blue blazer, caused a nation to wince as she gasped rather hard, trying so hard to impress Gwyneth Paltrow.
Plaintiff’s daughter, Shae Sanderson (above), was far more theatrical, far less believable, and appeared far more deliberately blunt on the witness stand. And Shae is a woman who speaks Gwyneth’s language!
There was much “standing in the truth” and “honoring another’s journey” and dodging testimony in pre-trial statements. For example: Her father Terry suffered from hearing loss and had lost sight in one eye long before the accident.
That was the stuff of ‘SNL’. VanOrman gushed over Paltrow, practically just a fangirl. She gushed: Gwyneth’s ski clothes must have been fabulous. She and Gwyneth have children of about the same age. Of course Gwyneth would be a good guesser! Was Gwyneth Friends With Taylor Swift? Would Gwyneth like to reenact VanOrman’s accident here in the courtroom?
It was wonderful.
When the judge said no to VanOrman’s odd question, she grabbed a hand-held mic and put on a one-woman show – Five Star Resort Ski Horror by Blue Man Group. It was amateur class. Paltrow had to stifle a laugh at several points, and you couldn’t blame her for that. VanOrman was, to put it kindly, a hot mess.
An exchange:
VanOrman: How tall are you?
Paltrow: Just under 5’10’.
VanOrman: I’m so jealous. . . I have to wear 4 inch heels just to make it to 5’5′.
Paltrow [looking over stand]: Well, they are very nice.
For all of VanOrmen’s obsequiousness, a few minutes later she got the following:
Paltrow: Excuse me, what’s your name again? Kristin?
Oh. My. God. It was Gwyneth at its purest: cold, haughty, and forbidding, all under the guise of politeness. Don’t expect her to remember your name, farmer.
As Paltrow once said, she can’t pretend to be someone she’s not. And holy shit: You could only win this process.