For twenty-one years it was a secret heavy as a stone. Now Elena Di Cioccio, actress, radio and television presenter, has decided to free herself from the burden that, over time, has forced her to become a thousand people, all different from who she really is, in order to not to end up getting knocked down. In order to finally feel comfortable, she had to be told the truth: “I am 48 years old and have been HIV positive for 21 years. I have HIV”. She told the hyenas, for whom she was a correspondent for years. He tells it without the slightest discount in the April 4 book Bad Blood (published by Vallardi), in which he describes a life full of challenges and pain Sensationally recapitulated: “Today I have no regrets and I’m no longer angry. But I had to process a lot,” he explains.
For almost half his life he has tried to hide the fact that he has HIV. Now he has decided to make it public and even write a book about it. Why?
“After years of torn between fear and anger, I no longer feel like I’m missing anything. I’m this thing and I don’t want to hide anymore. When I meet each and every person, I ask myself if, how and when to say that I am HIV positive: I am leaving my written word now, de facto I am, once and for all».
In recent years, he writes in the book, he hid the medicines in the refrigerator behind the lettuce so no one would see them and confided his secret to few.
“And I saw all sorts of reactions to that: flight, pity, anger. But the problem is the exit, not the answer: that’s how I feel about this thing. Today help is coming thanks to the medicine that has ended the era of the purple halo, fear, both for you and for us».
“Fifteen years ago: I cut my hand in a drama class, blood is coming out. They come to help me and I yell, “No, don’t touch me.” Damn what a bad mood. Today it is possible to process this gigantic flood of emotions thanks to what medicine tells us, namely that we are chronic patients and there is no way I can infect anyone. For me it is a sigh of relief: I no longer have to be constantly on guard».
Still, he says, the stigma surrounding the disease remains.
«Unfortunately yes, because in 1989 communication stopped: we took steps forward, four kisses and handshakes passed, and then nothing. But we can’t be like children who pretend something doesn’t exist because it scares them.”
But she often wanted to pretend she wasn’t sick.
“Absolutely. I was a conscientious person, even in relationships, and yet it happened. I’m very impressed by the older ladies I’ve seen in treatment, in hospitals, in special wards: my heart broke because they looked around like aliens in the presence of something that frightened them. It was not her place, but also a place for her».
The illness also weighed on her desire to become a mother, she writes in the book.
“It is a very painful chapter for me. Today, an HIV-negative woman can have sexual intercourse and become pregnant without a condom. For me, it wasn’t like this: becoming a mother couldn’t be the impetus of a moment of passion, rather it required a technical step that brought another game into play, planning. Motherhood was a really sore point, but I like children a lot and enjoy them a lot.”
In the book she also talks about her childhood: she is the daughter of Pfm boss Franz di Cioccio and manager Anita Ferrari. She often found herself alone, not knowing who she would wake up with, overwhelmed by family quarrels, and eventually in confusion.
«The not easy separation between my parents did not help. But in those years it happened. I grew up earlier than necessary, some holes remained. My intention was not to shoot my parents like anyone else. But I wanted to tell myself my truth».
His mother took her own life after trying in the past. How do you deal with such pain?
“Processing pain is not for everyone and my mother had piled up a lot of worries, actually not processed them. In the end they took her away.”
In a few lines he also explains that his mother’s son, that is his brother, suffocated when he was three years old.
“I wrote it in a few lines because I didn’t want to get into that pain, but it was necessary to really say who my mother was.”
What had he said to her after the first failed attempt?
“It’s a stumbling block that many take to say to someone who’s suffering like this, ‘If you love me, stop. The problem is that they don’t love themselves. At some point I realized that I am like her and one day, in her first tso, I said to her: I have to let you go. And she replied: You are right. When it happened I was kind of ready. I had already said to myself: The day will come, but I cannot stand on the balcony of life and wait for it. The morning I found all these messages on the phone, I understood everything before I read them.
In his life he had several addiction experiences.
“Addiction creates a feel-good situation for you and, above all, an alternative: it binds you, even if it turns around and shows you the other side of the coin. Your commitment also becomes an attempt to get out of the hole».
Getting out of the cocaine world wasn’t easy.
‘It was a youthful passage that then became something else. Yes, it was very difficult to get out of and I will forever be grateful to my mother for letting me feel the weight of what I was doing when she discovered me.”
“We were at a wedding, I came out of the bathroom and found it in front of me: you don’t notice anything when you’re excited, but you can see everything very well from the outside. She just said to me: no, neither do you. She was so scared and so tormented and helpless that she just walked right through me.’
Her addiction was also emotional and led to toxic relationships in which she was also hit.
“It’s always the issue of not protecting yourself, something I don’t want to do anymore. If you’re anorexic of affection, even someone who raises their voice, or worse, pays you attention.”
In those years, she also thought about ending everything. Has more happened?
“Not like that. Now I’m thinking that one of the side effects of the medications I’m taking is mood disorders. So if it happens that I wake up accompanied by sad thoughts, today I pet them and then go out and do something else and when I come back in two hours I’m gone”.
It will not be easy for his father to read this book.
«This time I decided to only worry about myself: caring for others has been my main occupation all my life, now I just had to be myself. We don’t have a relationship with dad at the moment, everyone has gone their own way… and when I think of all those who call me to get his number or tickets… but there’s always tomorrow. Something unexpected can always happen tomorrow.’
And what do you imagine will happen now?
«I think that many friends will write to me… of course I also expect criticism, but I am ready and I understand that. The goodness of what you do is not appreciated by everyone. But I hope to finally be myself»
Will it start a new chapter for them?
“Yes I hope so.”