1 of 5 Usually movies and series only show spontaneous sex as well — Photo: GETTY IMAGES Usually movies and series only show spontaneous sex as well — Photo: GETTY IMAGES
Depictions of sex on television and in movies often involve impulsive, seemingly rash, passionate encounters with little planning.
Therefore, illustrations of sex in the media can convey the message that full and passionate sex is characterized by spontaneity.
In fact, in our studies, we asked people with partners in the United States and Canada about their sexual preferences.
And most of them believe that sex is more pleasurable when it happens spontaneously than when it’s planned in advance.
The myth of spontaneity
But is “impulsive” sex really more satisfying? Spontaneity can be a sign of passion for some people, but valuing it can have its downsides.
Sexual desire can be intense in the early stages of relationships when sex is regular and unplanned. But the desire and frequency of sex usually decreases over time.
Couples who have been together for a long time and expect both partners to have a surge of pleasure at the same time may rarely have sex.
Planning can be essential given the other pressures of our time for sex — even if planning a sexual encounter is viewed as less than sexy.
Knowing when sex will happen can also help people prepare (in terms of clothing, lube, and privacy), which can encourage sex.
Even with the ideal of spontaneity permeating American culture, psyche, and media, little research has examined how planned sex compares to “ideal,” spontaneous sex.
Our research group at the Laboratory of Sexual Health and Relationships at the University of York, Canada, recruited 303 individuals and 102 couples from the United States and Canada.
We asked participants how much they agreed with statements like “Sex with my partner is more enjoyable when it’s spontaneous” and “I’d rather know beforehand when we’re going to have sex again.”
2 of 5 Sex just doesn’t happen without planning — Photo: GETTY IMAGES Sex just doesn’t happen without planning — Photo: GETTY IMAGES
We then asked if his last sexual experience was planned or not.
We asked them about their overall level of sexual satisfaction in relationships and during their most recent sexual experience. And we also tracked the couples’ daily activities over a threeweek period.
spontaneity and contentment
In both studies, people confirmed the belief that spontaneity is ideal. But contrary to these beliefs, spontaneous sex isn’t necessarily more pleasurable.
In our first study, the people who followed the ideal of spontaneity the most reported generally being more sexually satisfied when their recent sexual experience was viewed as spontaneous. But they found it no more pleasurable than planned sex.
Planned sex can sometimes be seen as less than sexy, but only for people who believe it’s far from ideal.
Viewing a recent sexual experience as planned resulted in less sexual satisfaction overall—but the results were different for people who firmly believed planned sex was pleasurable.
And interestingly, about one in five mentioned that their last sexual encounter was planned.
In the second study, we tracked couples’ sexual experiences over a 21day period.
And we found no differences in sexual satisfaction when sex was viewed as spontaneous or planned, even among people who believed in the ideal of spontaneous sex.
We also wanted to get an idea of how participants felt that spontaneity and planning contributed to their sexual pleasure.
Interestingly, people actually claimed that being spontaneous increases their sexual arousal, passion, meaning, and desire. But many people also mentioned that planning can build anticipation and desire for sex.
And while some people mentioned that planned sex might add an element of pressure, spontaneity wasn’t always the recipe for fiery sex.
Some participants responded that when they had unplanned sex, they sometimes did not have enough time for foreplay to put aside mental distractions or to ensure privacy.
3 of 5 Amidst child care, home and work, many couples find it difficult to make time for intimacy — Photo: GETTY IMAGES Amidst child care, home and work, many couples find it difficult to make time for intimacy — Photo: GETTY IMAGES
passionate perceptions
One reason people value spontaneity is their relationship with more authentic passion and desire that is reminiscent of the early stages of the relationship.
If this is the case for you, remember that sex was probably more planned than you thought from the start of the relationship.
Just think how much planning has gone into arranging romantic or fun dates, preparing for sex with revealing clothing or personal seduction, and struggling to find yourself in those early days of your relationship.
4 of 5 It’s important to remember that starting a relationship requires a great deal of planning — Photo: GETTY IMAGES
On the other hand, planned sex can come with responsibilities, duty, and coercion that are notoriously contrary to eroticism and are not part of great novels.
However, our research shows that valuing planned sex can help couples maintain their sexual satisfaction while preserving their sex disposition.
This is especially important when romantic partners are going through periods when spontaneity is difficult, such as when they are married. B. busy times and the birth of a new child.
the intentional sex
Physicians, seeing how couples struggle with sexual commitments, have long sought to challenge notions of sexual spontaneity so their patients could become more conscious in their relationships.
Most of the important things we do in life are planned in advance.
For example, think of your last vacation. You probably planned the trip in advance, but that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable.
If you and your partner value sex, planning can help you prioritize your sexual connection.
Sometimes the stars can align and ignite the momentum of passion, but consciously planning time for sex can also lead to pleasurable sexual encounters.
5 out of 5 Now that many people are working from home, it’s important to find a time of day for intimacy between the couple — Photo: GETTY IMAGES Now that many people are working from home, it’s important to find a time of day for the intimacy between the couple — Photo: GETTY IMAGES
Planning doesn’t mean that sex has to be put on a schedule or that you should send your partner an invitation to put it on the agenda.
It might be easy to communicate with your partner to learn when motivation is most likely, e.g. B. after sharing emotional intimacy or during less stressful periods at work and agreeing to take time.
With many people still working from home or remotely, it can be so easy to change up your work schedule to enjoy the afternoon pleasure.
Or, in some cases, you and your partner may be more interested in having sex in the morning or afternoon than at night when you’re both ready for bed after dinner.
For most couples, sex is a way to maintain and strengthen the connection. And as the relationship progresses, it’s something that might need to be planned, like date nights or weekend getaways.
The good news is that planned sex can be just as pleasurable as impulsive sex.
*Katarina Kovacevic is a PhD student in Personality and Social Psychology at the University of York, Canada.
Amy Muise is a psychology professor at York University in Canada.
This article originally appeared on academic news site The Conversation and is republished under a Creative Commons license. Read the original English version here.