Ask Amy: Cohabiting Couple Struggles To Unpack Their 'stuff'

DEAR AMY: I am a middle-aged man. My fiancee recently moved in with me.

My family has had hoarding problems for generations. Long before Marie Kondo and hoarding intervention television came along, I was in therapy and dealing with it successfully.

I threw away several dumpsters of my ancestors’ belongings to make room in my inherited home.

My possessions bring me joy.

I’m a design professional with a lot of experience working with clients in their homes.

I understand that hoarding is an OCD, but I also see compulsive cleaning as a big problem. I’ve been to houses that were practically empty for this reason.

While visiting a friend who was downsizing her staff, I realized how anxious things, boxes, and clutter made my fiancee. We had to end the visit early because she was so concerned!

When stressed, she “throws away” items and sometimes buys others only to return or donate them. Some things I treasure have “disappeared”.

I make space for her in our house (by removing my stuff) and she leaves the space empty but then complains that there is no space for her stuff.

We don’t have photos or artwork on our bedroom walls because the visual incompatibility makes them anxious and upset.

If something isn’t used NOW (even if it’s necessary or useful later), it’s thrown out.

She donated an occasionally used, older kitchen appliance and bought another one the same day.

Not sure how to help her (or keep my stuff) as she says I need help with “hoarding”.

Please draw attention to the compulsive cleaning up.

How do I defend decisions when I’m being labeled a “hamster” of useful/needed/cherished items?

– R

DEAR R: A few years ago I gleefully claimed that decluttering expert Marie Kondo suffered from OCD (she throws so much into the landfill!). And then Ms. Kondo revealed earlier this year that the pursuit of neat perfection had taken up too much space in her own life and that she was now rearranging her priorities in search of more balance.

Compulsive clean-up is similar to hoarding in that extreme fears and compulsions drive the desire to compulsively remove “things.” People who suffer from it get rid of things they need later, replace the item, and then get rid of it as well. So yes, based on your description, your fiancee could be suffering from a variant of it.

But she moved into “her” house. Like any couple living in a conjugal union, you must negotiate how to pool your possessions and arrive at a lifestyle that you both can handle.

It is important that she feels comfortable and comfortable in her home.

Since you both have such opposite styles – and are quick to label each other as suffering from a serious disorder – it would be important to sit down with a couples therapist who could help you work through the considerable baggage you both bring. to arrange, rearrange and unpack into this relationship.

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DEAR AMY: I have to admit that I am often impressed by the way you deal with addiction and I wonder how you came to this insight.

I hope it’s not too personal, but I’m curious.

– Curious

DEAR CURIOUS PEOPLE: Addiction is a topic that I have dealt with intensively. Fortunately, I have no personal experience with addiction, but the relationship problems it creates are devastating and important to understand.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)