A “sleep divorce” — the decision to sleep apart — is commonly seen as a sign of a loveless or sexless relationship.
The reality is that sleeping in separate beds could greatly improve your sex and love life.
Around 25 percent of all US couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and four in ten British couples now sleep apart most nights.
Of these, 38% said sleeping separately improved their relationship overall, as 34% had better sleep quality and more sleep.
Research shows that when you’re rested, you communicate better, are happier and more empathetic, and appear more attractive and fun.
British sex expert Tracey Cox says that despite the stigma of sleeping apart, choosing to sleep in separate beds could actually improve your love and sex life dramatically. Archival photo used
A good night’s sleep is especially important for women: other research suggests that it increases sexual desire and pleasure by reducing stress and improving mood.
Nobody wants sex when they’re tired
Science tells us that people sleep much better alone when sleep is measured objectively.
However, Tracey Cox (pictured) says separate beds don’t work for every couple
But when asked the question, most people still answer that they would rather sleep with their partner. They like the closeness and security that sleeping together offers – even if it has its price.
However, be warned: costs can be high. Sleepless nights are dangerous for your relationship.
Mismatched sleepers — like a night owl mated with an early morning lark — have lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and less sex.
People whose sleep is directly disturbed by a partner — snoring, restlessness, pulling the sheets tight — report feeling angry and upset hours after waking up.
Logically, you realize it’s not your partner’s fault, but sleep-deprived brains don’t tend to behave logically.
If “sleep fights” are ruining your relationship, a sleep divorce might save it, not hurt it.
Here’s everything you need to decide if it would work for you.
Ever since we slept apart, we’ve had more and better sex
Lucy, 29, and Richard, 31, have been together for six years and have been sleeping separately for the last five.
“People jump to conclusions when they know you’re sleeping separately.” A friend saw that the “guest bedroom” was being slept in and asked if everything was okay. When I told her that I slept there every night and that our relationship had never been better, she seemed shocked.
I know her partner snores and suggested she try it too. Her answer was that she didn’t trust her husband to sleep alone. “God knows what he’d do there alone,” she said. “There would be a heck of a lot of porn watching and masturbating!”
My husband and I have a lot in common, but we have different sleep personalities. He likes to go to bed at 11pm; I fluctuate dramatically depending on what I’ve been doing and when I got up.
He will read for a while and then he wants the lights out. At night I like to socialize and talk on the phone (my family is also a night owl). My energy level is highest between 8pm and 11pm.
Would separate beds work for you?
If one of you isn’t sleeping because of the other’s sleeping habits, the answer is almost always yes. But there is always a downside…
THE ADVANTAGES:
They avoid the morning arguments. If you’re the one who lies awake while your partner sleeps, it’s like waving a red rag at a Taurus to watch them wake up happy and rested. On the downside, it’s not that pleasant either: opening your eyes and seeing your partner staring at you in anger and confusion isn’t the best way to start the day.
Sleep has a positive effect on desire: Research shows that the better you slept the night before, the more likely you are to want to have sex with your partner that day.
A sleep divorce makes sex less available — and that’s a good thing. You can’t just turn around on a whim, give a hopeful push, and have sex. Availability makes people want fewer things, not more.
You miss each other. Even if you like to sleep separately, most people miss having their partner sleeping next to them. As a result, they value their company more during the day and are more physically affectionate.
you are healthier Regular, good and sufficient sleep has a positive effect on your health. They wake up rested and refreshed, are more likely to exercise, and eat less junk food for energy.
THE DISADVANTAGES:
Sharing a bed makes us feel safe at night. Who doesn’t appreciate having their partner close by when waking up from a nightmare? There is a lot of comfort and security in having your partner by your side.
You really need two bedrooms. Yes, you can sleep on the sofa bed, but it’s not that comfortable and you’ll probably get angry at the person allowed to sleep in the bedroom.
It can make you anxious. Something’s wrong with sleeping together and not being old, isn’t it? That’s not true, but if you honestly believe it, sleeping apart can give you even more sleepless nights.
If you are in a sexless relationship, it can make things worse. It’s okay if you’re both happy not having sex, but psychologically if one isn’t happy, sleeping apart is the death knell for both of you. The person who wants sex but isn’t getting it feels like it’s never going to happen.
Sleeping apart can reduce opportunities for spontaneous sex. Twenty-four percent of the 2,000 adults surveyed said they had sex less often because impulse sex—the desire to have sex just because you’re in bed and you’re both naked—doesn’t occur.
At first we tried to accommodate each other, but for me that meant falling asleep much earlier than I wanted and lying in bed with my eyes open listening to him snore. I was upset and my constant fidgeting woke him up.
It annoyed us both so much that I feared we wouldn’t be a good match. Poor sleep brought out the worst in both of us. We fought a lot and our sex life took a nosedive too.
I’d suggested I sleep in the spare room a couple of times, but he wasn’t happy about it. He said it wasn’t “natural”. But one night I just did it. The next day I woke up – late – feeling great but guilty and went to the kitchen not knowing what reaction I would get.
He’d slept well, too, and begrudgingly admitted that doing it “once in a while” wasn’t such a bad idea. Within a month we slept separately every night – and we’ve never looked back.
I found it immensely liberating not having to change my sleep personality to fit someone else’s. I respected him for accepting that it didn’t matter that we were different.
HOW IT WORKS
Thinking about getting divorced in your sleep? Read this before you head down the hall, pillow in hand.
Your relationship must be in decent shape. For this to work, you need a strong emotional bond and the assurance that your partner loves you. It also helps to know how to negotiate differences and find compromises, day and night.
There’s also an element of trust involved: if you think they could play away, they’re presented with the perfect opportunity for late-night sexting.
Sex must be given high priority. If you had sex spontaneously and always at night, you need to find another convenient time. Some couples go to bed together, have sex, and then separate to sleep. Others have morning sex or afternoon sex. Regardless, sex is less likely to just happen and requires a bit of planning.
Sex might feel different. The sex you have when you both fall into bed drunk together is different than the sex you have in the afternoon or morning. For many it is better. The earlier in the day, the less likely you are to have erection problems (less stress, less alcohol). Orgasms feel more intense when you’re full of energy and not exhausted.
be playful Invite each other into each other’s rooms for a quickie… sneak in uninvited, too. Each of you should feel welcome in each other’s space: if you feel like you’re interfering, you’re in trouble.
Do other things than sleep in bed. Read together, have a coffee or snack, chat, watch something. Snuggle up naked to get the skin-to-skin contact couples need to keep the bond going.
Go Scandinavian. Some European hotels – especially in Scandinavia – offer two beds pushed together, each with a separate duvet, instead of one large bed. This solves the problem of bed linen hogging (but doesn’t do much to solve snoring).
Be flexible. Some couples sleep apart during the week and together at the weekend when it doesn’t matter when they get up. When you’re upset about something, the need to have your partner close may outweigh the sleep benefits.
Ignore the judges. Sleeping together doesn’t guarantee a good relationship, and sleeping apart doesn’t mean you don’t love or desire your partner. There are many unhappy couples who share a bed — and many who would be far less miserable if they didn’t.
It made us both think about our relationship and how important our time together is. We naturally fell into a rhythm where I would get into bed with him and read or scroll while he read and then go to my own room when he wanted to sleep.
In the morning he comes in with a cup of coffee when I’m ready to get up and comes in with me to chat or have sex. Almost all of our sex now is morning sex, which suits us both because he drinks and it affects his erection at night.
I prefer morning sex because my orgasms feel more intense. We’re having a lot more sex now than we did when we slept in the same bed, and it’s better sex.
It’s a great shame to sleep separately, but it shouldn’t be the case. Far from making us feel distant, it brought us closer, and we’ve stayed that way.”
Our divorce in our sleep led to a real divorce
Harriet, 43, and Dario, 45, were married for four years and have two children but are now separated and divorcing.
“Sleeping in different bedrooms was the death knell for our relationship — although I have to admit we had been fighting for a while before that happened.”
His responsibilities include serving the US markets, which is why he starts work late and often works until 2am. I have a day job and take care of our children. By 9pm I’m exhausted and ready for bed.
Sleeping in the same bed with him was a nightmare. He talks in his sleep, devours the covers, kicks, snores, and sleeps stretched out on the bed. He drinks and smokes and that contributes to the snoring which makes me even more angry and upset because it’s his fault.
After two years we finally accepted that sleeping separately is the only solution. We both slept much better, but the gap between us widened. We solved the sleep problem but didn’t address our relationship issues: That was the big mistake.
Sex was never that common because we had kids so quickly, but after that it wasn’t.
I think it’s okay to sleep apart when you’re happy and in love and still have sex. Having problems, not communicating well, and feeling insecure in your marriage will only make matters worse.
Even when you’re arguing and not having sex, having someone’s body next to you is comforting.
Sometimes I would wake up and spoon him while he was sleeping. I don’t think he ever realized it, but it gave me some comfort during those low points and it was better than nothing.”
- Visit Traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and details on both of her Tracey Cox lines featuring Lovehoney