THE NEW YORK TIMES LIFE/STYLE In my late 20’s I was ghosted by one of my closest friends.
We met in college and started drifting apart after graduation. He moved to the Midwest for his graduate studies; I stayed in New York, but we met when circumstances and budget allowed and emailed—frequently at first, then less frequently. I’ve tried not to think too much about our relationship ending, but recently dug up my last email to him from 12 years ago: “I’m doing this as a lastditch effort to get in touch,” I wrote in a note that resolves I still feel a mixture of hurt and embarrassment inside myself. “I hope we can reconnect.”
He never answered and I never tried again. It was like I was abandoned.
Ghosting — when someone unilaterally cuts off communication without warning or explanation — has become a seemingly inevitable part of the modern dating scene, yet we pay far less attention to it as a phenomenon among friends.
“You can just say, ‘Hey buddy, haven’t heard from you in a while.'” Photo: Anthony Tran/Unsplash.com
However, research suggests that experiences like mine are quite common. In a 2018 study, 39% of participants said they were ghosted by a friend. And a study published earlier this year found that people often feel just as hurt when it’s done by a friend as when it’s hurt by a romantic partner.
“We know four basic needs are threatened by ghosting,” said Gili Freedman, assistant professor of psychology at St. Mary’s College of Maryland, author of the 2018 study: “Your sense of belonging, your sense of a meaningful existence — that you have a place in the world, and that place is meaningful your sense of control and your sense of selfworth.”
dr Freedman warned that there is no research on the best strategies to help deal with the sudden disappearance of a friend stressing that most research on ghosting has focused on dating and romantic situations. But she and other experts studying friendship and ghosting offered several approaches that might help.
Validate your experience and your pain
It’s “a certain shame” to be ghosted by a friend, said Irene S. Levine, psychologist and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. She thinks a lot of it comes from here Mythology that one must keep one’s friends for eternitywhile research in the Netherlands actually indicates that people can lose about half of their friends on their social networks every seven years.
Just remembering that fluidity is a hallmark of friendship and that platonic ghosting is relatively common can offer some comfort, said Dr. Levine because it helps normalize the experience.
“Try to take a step back and remember that not all friendships, even the really good ones, last forever,” Levine said.
It can also be helpful to recognize that ghosting is a form of “ambiguous loss,” a psychological term that describes a loss without information or closure. Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendships, said it is It’s normal to feel sad, angry, or embarrassed, and it’s normal to think about it.
Research suggests that simply naming feelings without trying to change or repress them — a technique known as “affection tagging” — can bring comfort.
“Anything that helps you express feelings will ease the pain,” said Dr. Frank. This can include journaling, crying, or talking to friends who don’t downplay your feelings. Try to validate his suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have faced similar struggles an idea called “shared humanity”. (Personally, I found writing this article liberating and realized I’m not the only one who has had such an experience.)
Regain some control and a sense of connection
Because ghosting is characterized by uncertainty, it can help “empower your need for control,” said Dr. freedman. Focus your time and attention on areas of your life where you feel some level of autonomy, she said. Is that at work? Through certain hobbies? Put your energy into these activities.
Christina Leckfor, a graduate student in social psychology at the University of Georgia, added, “If you’re feeling like you’re being spooky, try to fill that void in your life through socializing with others.” If you’re spending time with close friends or with family, you may still feel hurt from the experience, but I hope you don’t feel so alone.”
At the same time, while being haunted feels deeply personal, it can help “remind yourself that dumping might not be about you at all,” said Dr. Levine. For example, she noted that her friend may be struggling with mental health issues, an illness, or family issues and “may not be willing to share that — even with a really good friend.”
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Sometimes it’s obvious that a friend doesn’t care about you anymore, like it did with me. But all too often, friendships just burn out. For example, a widely cited 1984 study of young adults found that physical separation was the most common reason friendships ended.
So consider the possibility that your friend is not ghosting on purpose; Life just got in the way. “Friends don’t usually say, ‘I’m moving across state to start a job, and I won’t be socializing that much during that time,'” said Jeffrey Hall, professor of communications at the University of Washington University of Kansas. who found that friendships do not have the same clear expectations of behavior as romantic relationships.
“It’s possible that if you get in touch, they’ll thank you for your persistence,” said Dr. Room.
Even if you never get an answer, it might at least help break the rumination cycle, said Dr. Frank. If you take the initiative, you can come to the conclusion that the friendship is really over instead of leaving you in awe, she said.
“You can just say, ‘Hey buddy, I haven’t heard from you in a while. “At this point, I’m not sure if you’re still interested in befriending me,” said Dr. Frank. “Try to welcome them, just to be honest with you. I think people who practice ghosting tend to think honesty is worse than ghosting.” / TRANSLATION LÍVIA BUELONI GONÇALVES
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