dear Jane,
My father passed away a few years ago and his death broke the heart of all of us, especially my mother who was married to him for more than 40 years. Initially she was withdrawn into herself, didn’t want to spend time with friends, didn’t want to socialize — and my brother and I have worked really hard to encourage her to show up there and have supported her over the past few months, among other things suggested giving it a try a few dates.
To our surprise, she agreed. She joined a dating site and really got into it which is great. There’s just one big problem: she won’t stop talking to me about her sex life. She used to be pretty tight-lipped about things like this, but now every time I see her, it’s the only thing she wants to talk about. And in very vivid detail! Positions she’s enjoyed or wants to try, questions about technique, asking me for sex toy recommendations… it just keeps going.
I don’t want to sound prudish, but my 73-year-old mother’s talk to me about oral sex is just way too much for me. I don’t want to spoil her very sex-positive parade or make her feel like she has no right to have any fun, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so uncomfortable that I actually avoid taking her calls , so I’m not entitled to chat again about her latest bedroom adventure.
Any ideas how I can get her to stop without hurting her feelings?
Von, nervous daughter
Dear Jane, My widowed 73-year-old mother doesn’t stop talking too much about her sex life and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable
dear nervous daughter,
I am delighted that your mother is being given a second chance at life, especially after such a happy marriage and the tremendous loss that followed.
And I’m appalled that she shares it all with you. My god, there are lines that should never be crossed and I firmly believe that children don’t want or need to know anything about their parents’ sex lives.
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It’s over-sharing, crossing borders and, I think most kids will agree, totally inappropriate.
Your mother sounds fantastic and how brilliant she is to embark on a series of sexcapades thanks to your advice, but I shudder with horror that she would be asking you, her daughter, questions about technology. However, given how new this is to her, it does suggest to me that she needs someone to talk to, preferably someone she didn’t give birth to.
There’s no point in spoiling her parade by telling her this has to stop. I encourage you to practice the words before you sit down with her, lest you wince in horror at such an uncomfortable subject.
When you’re ready, it’s best to tell her in person that you have something you want to talk about. Start by saying how excited you are about her embracing life and adventures again. Show how excited you are about her explorations and that it’s great that she’s experiencing a sexual awakening. However, as her daughter, you are deeply uncomfortable hearing about it. If she needs to talk about her sex life, she needs to find someone else to confide in.
Maybe she has a boyfriend, or if not, she could find a counselor. At least Dr. Google and now Chat GPT have tons of suggestions on technology.
If she refuses to stop, interrupt her and remind her that you are uncomfortable talking to her about it. It may take a few times for the message to get through, but if you take a deep breath and are brave enough to always interject with that phrase, she will stop sharing too much with you.
dear Jane,
My younger sister had a particularly bad divorce almost a year ago and was practically summarily kicked out of the home she shared with her horrible ex-husband.
At the time she asked if it would be okay to stay with me for a few weeks while she took care of everything – and of course I was more than happy to welcome her into my home. My kids love her, she gets along really well with my husband and I thought having her around for a while would actually be a wonderful way for us to spend some time together.
Thing is… it’s been ten months now. And she shows no signs of looking for a place or trying to move. I’ve made a few pointers about it and even tried to encourage her to sit down with me and go through online rental listings, but every time I do she just says it brings back too many horrible memories of her divorce, and she’s starting to cry .
I don’t want to be mean, but I want my personal space back! She works from home so she’s always there and I just feel like I don’t have time for myself or time for my husband. She’s a wonderful person, but I feel like I’ve had a third child!
Any advice on how to tell her she needs to move on?
From Stuck with a Squatter.
Dear Stuck with a Squatter,
As many of us know, after three days, most guests start to stink, just like fish. You lasted ten months and honestly you deserve a medal.
What a nice, generous offer you made by welcoming her into your home, but boy is she taking advantage of it now. The fact that she bursts into tears every time you mention her moving out tells me that she knows exactly how to manipulate you and that she has you pretty much where she wants you – around her little one fingers wrapped.
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
The “drama triangle” of victim, rescuer and persecutor was created almost 40 years ago by Dr. Stephen Karpman, and many of us slip back into familiar roles we created in childhood to help us survive.
But this particular triangle is as unhealthy as it gets, and recognizing our role can help us break the cycle.
Victims feel helpless and strive to be saved or to be saved. Saviors can often be trailblazers, need to be needed, and can turn into martyrs, with smoldering grudges lurking beneath the surface. And when the rescuer stops saving, he is seen as a pursuer.
You must be with your husband and children, and she must go. Ignore the tears that come to you when you talk to her about this because tears have always gotten her exactly what she wants. So wait until she stops crying. Hell, maybe you’ll get a handy box of tissues from under the sofa and post the clues.
Tell her loud and clear that you are happy to act as a landing pad during this difficult time, but you all need your space back and it is time for her to go. Give her a date that gives her plenty of time to find something. Ignore tears and all the theatrics, keep calm and explain that by that date she must have found somewhere else.
It won’t be easy because she takes advantage of you. The rent-free living in your house is simply fabulous for them.
Ten months later, tears over finding another apartment reminding her of her divorce are manipulative, wrong, and victimizing her while everyone else tiptoes around her.
As long as this continues, she does not have to take responsibility for her life.
Please don’t let the tears fool you. Stay calm and clear and stick to the deadline she has to go by.
You can always rent a truck and help with the loading together with your husband. Either way, no further clues. You and your husband need your place back and if he doesn’t organize the moving company that day, you have to.
It may be difficult with her for a while, but I can imagine that once she stands on her own two feet and takes responsibility for her decisions, your relationship will find balance again. None of this will happen as long as you succumb to tears. Stay loving – and stay STRONG.