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Adapted from two online discussions, here and here.
Dear Caroline: When my best friend got married, my reaction to choosing her spouse was, “Huh?” [picture my head cocked]. My own spouse was also confused: He’s not a villain; but none of us ever got along with him.
Over the years I’ve secretly wished they would divorce. I’ve watched him freak out on my boyfriend about something that wasn’t my boyfriend’s fault; and she even said, “God, he’s controlling.” He’s what I would call badly wounded.
My question is: how do I know if I really want my girlfriend to be happy, regardless of what I think of her choices? or if I just want to be “right”? do you have a formula
I wish: I typed a very complicated answer and then deleted it. Just be there for your friend. Tell her you answer her calls 24/7. And when she says, “God, he’s controlling,” respond with, “I was wondering—what do you think you’re going to do?” Perfect world.” Ask her what she thinks, does, and intends to do about the problem. What she wants from you. Be patient and be the place where she can talk. Pay attention to how she is doing. For more information, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline www.thehotline.org
Dear Caroline: My daughter is 15 and has her first serious boyfriend, a high school classmate. The whole family likes him appropriately. He’s not “the son I never had” and I don’t treat him like a future father-in-law, but I think he’s a nice boy and I’m glad my daughter is going into a relationship with someone who it’s nice to her.
My daughter has been feeling really bad lately because she’s becoming interested in someone else around her – a neighbor of ours who’s about a year older and goes to a different school. She told me she feels like a bad friend because she looks forward to talking to this other kid more than she does to her boyfriend. She feels so guilty; she feels like she is cheating.
It seems to me she’s losing interest in her boyfriend; Puppy love has come to an end (I don’t use that term when talking to her). I believe that’s how the teenage years are meant to be, and I’d much rather watch her explore and meet new people than be tied to that one boy forever by laziness and laziness.
Should I just let it run its course? Is there a way to let her know that it’s okay to break up with her first boyfriend without being condescending?
oh sweetie Her: I feel like a bad friend because I look forward to talking to this other kid more than my boyfriend.
Her: Yes, that’s all normal. I’m sorry. What do you think you will do?
She: [Some version of “I don’t know,” or, “Stay because he’s my boyfriend.”]
Her: It’s okay to wait and see how you feel. What would you expect from him if he fell in love with someone else? How would you like to be treated?
Questions are your friend. In their own way, they are a clear guide, but not incompatible with letting things take their course.
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