dear Jane,
My wife gave birth to our beautiful son two years ago – and has been taking care of him at home ever since. She was always talking about going back to work after six months of maternity leave that turned into a year that turned into 18 months… and here we are two years later.
I got it at first, I really got it. She wanted to bond with our son and not feel like she had to return to work before she was ready. But now it seems to her like she just doesn’t feel like getting up and doing anything anymore.
She sits with him all day and watches TV, she doesn’t bother to do any chores while she’s at home, and I feel like I’m the only one who actually does anything around the house.
Dear Jane, My wife is refusing to go back to work two years after giving birth – and I can’t help but think she’s just being lazy
It would be one thing if she actually did things around the house like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, but it seems to me she’s just embraced a life of laziness and doesn’t want to give it up.
She claims childcare is so expensive that it would cost us more to get her back into a job, but at this point it would be worth the extra cost to me just to see her get moving and do something.
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I know if I say that openly to her, she’ll accuse me of being cruel – but I don’t know how to get the message across properly without her seeing me as the bad guy?
Out of,
Mr Motivator
Dear Mr Motivator,
Could it be that your wife is suffering from postpartum depression? I’m asking this because it seems your wife is going through more than what you put it just plain laziness postpartum.
Given that she worked prior to the birth of your son, I assume she is an able-bodied woman who is probably used to juggling a number of things, which means her current demeanor is out of character.
I think it’s fair to say that people don’t suddenly become lazy for no reason. Not only does childbirth wreak havoc on our hormones, it can also lead to severe depression, one of which is being unable to do anything but sit around the house and watch TV.
It’s a seismic shift becoming a first-time mother. While some women like it like ducks in the water, others have it far harder, and common symptoms of depression can include withdrawal from family and friends, overwhelming fatigue, and loss of energy.
She may be struggling with the fear of not being a good mother and the guilt and shame that comes with it.
Anyway, it sounds to me a lot like your wife needs help and what you perceive as laziness is actually something else that she may not even be aware of. Of course, that’s the terrible thing about depression: the longer it lasts, the more normalized it becomes, and it’s easy to forget that life doesn’t have to feel like this.
You have the right to intervene. Tell her lovingly that you are concerned that she is not the woman she was before she was born, that she seems overwhelmed, and that you worry there may be an underlying problem.
My first suggestion would be to see her doctor and have a full blood test done. They can then come up with a plan of action, whether it’s visiting a counselor or taking medication.
This is far more normal than you might expect and I imagine that everyone, you, your son and your wife will be delighted when she regains her composure.
dear Jane,
I’m getting married next year, which is an absolute dream, except for one nightmarish detail: the dress.
I’ve always known the style of dress I want to wear and was so excited to go out and find my perfect design. But when I told my mom about it, she literally begged me to wear the dress she wore when she married my late father and told me how much it would mean to her to have a part of her ceremony in my own.
I totally understand the meaning of this and how much it would mean to her to see me in her dress, but it’s not at all the style I wanted to wear. It’s dated, it doesn’t suit my body type, and it’s totally dated — and not in a “cool” retro style.
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
It’s so easy to jump to conclusions about why people behave out of character and jump straight to judgment.
Always ask yourself what else might be going on, because no matter how people are present, they rarely tell the whole story. Finding compassion instead of judgment does wonders for our relationships and indeed for our lives.
I suggested that maybe I could use the fabric of her dress to create my own design, but she burst into tears at the mere thought of me cutting up her dress.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t care… but surely my wedding should be the day when I can be a little selfish?
Out of,
bride breakdown
Dear Bridal Breakdown,
In fact, your wedding is about you and your husband, and I think you can find a way to honor your father on this day without having to wear a hideous dress.
Sit down with your mom and tell her that it’s important to you that you honor your dad — and his wedding ceremony (if you believe that’s true) — and that you’ve prepared a list of ways you can do that.
You could put a photo of your parents on a special table on their wedding day, play their wedding song or another special song, or incorporate the same flowers into your bouquet.
These are all ways to mark her special day, but since this is your special day now, the dress is off-limits.
If their feelings are hurt, remind them of all the other ways you can honor your father and move the conversation forward.
You are not responsible for your mother’s hurt feelings because she refuses to give in to an unreasonable demand.