dear Jane,
Last year, I had a brief six-week relationship with a guy I met through a dating app. I made it clear to him from the start that I didn’t want anything serious, but he became more and more adamant that we should be exclusive and started sending me aggressive messages, which really put me off.
It got to the point where I became so uncomfortable with his behavior that I broke off all contact with him – though without really giving him an explanation because I was afraid of how he would react.
Cut to two months ago when my boss introduced me to a new hire at my company, only to realize it was the same man I had ghosted a few months earlier.
I was absolutely horrified, but I concluded that if we both just acted professionally, we could get through it without too much drama. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have the same attitude, and just a few days after taking office, he started spreading horrible, vile rumors about me among my colleagues.
Dear Jane, I saw an aggressive man who now works in my company and is making my life hell
He told people I was a regular dater, that I’d shared sick fantasies with him about my boss, that I’d told him I used drugs at work… and the list goes on.
He’s also started to undermine everything I do, suppressing my ideas, getting credit for my work, and generally making my professional life a living hell.
I tried to talk to him about it and he refused to admit any of it – although I told him I knew it all came from him. He told me that I was obviously jealous of his success and popularity in the office, and that seemed to be an “I” issue.
I’m honestly at my wit’s end and am seriously considering quitting my job before this situation can get any worse.
Please help me figure out what I can do before my career gets ruined.
Out of,
Haunted by my past
Rather haunted by my past
I wish we would teach everyone better communication skills to make ghosting a thing of the past.
While I’m not judging you for ghosting, I can tell you from experience that ghosting can cause tremendous pain to the ghosted person. Being let down without explanation can bring out all of our insecurities and fears of not being good enough and cause us to wonder what we did wrong for much longer than necessary.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers wise advice on some of readers’ hottest topics in her weekly column, Dear Jane Agony Tante
As you know, we ghost because we’re afraid of confrontation or have no idea what to say, and it feels easier to stop responding to text messages or ignore phone calls until someone gets the message.
This man’s violent reaction tells me that you’ve stirred something very deep inside him by ghosting him, but as much sympathy as we have for someone in pain, his behavior is unacceptable.
You mention that you tried to talk to him and he refused to admit his bad behavior so now you need to email him.
Explain that early in your brief relationship, his aggressive messages were so off-putting that you felt intimidated or threatened at the prospect of a direct confrontation. Tell him that you realize that slandering him wasn’t the right thing to do and that you can apologize for it.
Then you need to list the behaviors and lies he later told and tell him that this is not acceptable and that you will move on if this continues but that you hope he can overcome his pain at the rejection and have a mature working relationship.
The purpose of email is two-fold: it’s important for you to have your share of it, and more importantly, you need to create a paper trail to protect yourself when needed.
If he continues his behavior after sending the email, you need to forward this email to either HR or your boss.
I would also like to add that people are very quick to spot when someone is spreading negative rumours. Whatever you do, don’t say anything negative about him or engage in conversations about him. I can imagine that if he continues, people will start distrusting him very quickly.
dear Jane,
I’m kind of stuck in a quandary about what to do with my teenage daughter – who I’ve always forbidden from owning a cell phone.
I think kids’ obsessions with their devices cause nothing but problems, and I want my 16-year-old to embrace the world around her, not the screen in front of her.
However, in recent months she has become increasingly frustrated and upset with this rule, even accusing me of putting her life in danger because she has no way to call for help when she is out with her friends.
To a certain extent, I understand her point and have offered to get her a basic clamshell phone that she can use to make calls and texts, but didn’t give her access to those horrible social media apps.
To me it seemed like a fair compromise.
Apparently she didn’t feel that way. She locked herself in her room and has refused to speak to me for four days.
I don’t want her to be unhappy, and I certainly don’t want her to think she’s being punished, so how can I show her that these rules work to her advantage?
Out of,
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
Whether it’s the end of a relationship, a friendship, or a brief fling, everyone deserves closure.
If you had enough respect for someone to let them into your life in any way, you have enough respect to end the relationship with words or a letter so they can move on.
Ghosting feels easier, but it’s cowardly, and ghosting can be brutal. Telling someone that this relationship isn’t working out for you and wishing them well, even if it feels hard at the time, makes far more sense.
call waiting
Dear knocker,
I understand your reluctance to give your daughter a phone; It’s easy to linger in the golden light of nostalgia, longing for a world without cell phones, without the stress of social media, without the constant connectivity of technology.
However, that is not realistic.
I can imagine that your daughter has a computer. Even if you think she doesn’t use these apps, chances are she’s already spotted them on her computer.
As much as we want to protect our kids from seeing difficult things or getting sucked into today’s crazy online world, we would be shocked at how much they see, how much they know, and how naively we think we can protect them .
She’s 16 and approaching an age where she can do whatever she wants without you having a say. I think it’s better if you buy her a phone and then you can have conversations on the parameters you set.
There are now many apps that give you parental control and limit the time your child can spend on the phone. So instead of feeling like you’re being punished for not having the phone in the first place, you can actually have a lot more control by giving her the phone.