We’re in the kitchen in Bath and my parents are doing their usual double comedy act. By that I mean their marriage.
While the exact details change, it’s mostly about food. My dad is the type of guy who has lunch on his mind as early as 11 a.m. – “But we just had breakfast,” my mom screeches.
Grown-up children are rarely given a full and close look at their parents’ relationship, but as a Covid boomerang going ‘home’ from the pandemic, I had a ringside seat for almost three years.
When I left my London flat at the age of 30, I didn’t think I could learn anything about relationships from my parents. I was a dating columnist, an expert on romance, and they formed the solid, old-fashioned backdrop to my exciting life.
But to my surprise, I realized that my generation has much to learn from theirs – and every reason to envy them.
A new perspective on love: Lucy Holden at home with her parents in Bath
I recently flew to Glasgow again, and as I plunge into a new dating pool, I realize that, much like the pans I stole from her kitchen, I’ve brought new relationship rules with me.
Here’s what I learned about love from my Boomer parents’ marriage: . .
Don’t give up when the going gets tough
Millennials like me have smugly assumed that the endless choices offered by modern online dating make finding the perfect relationship a lot easier than it was in our parents’ days.
Now I see that it also makes us more awkward and less willing to solve problems. Nobody stays here like my parents do, and I wonder if we ever will. But I know now that I would rather give someone who is good a chance. After all, nothing is perfect.
The encounter with “The One” is purely a matter of chance
The proliferation of apps has meant that modern dating has accelerated, leaving young people hopping from one affair to the next in search of the perfect partner.
But the more connections we have, the less likely we are to settle down. We have no stamina.
I realized that my generation has much to learn from theirs – and every reason to envy them
My parents met in London in the 1980s through an ad my father placed in Time Out magazine. My mother was the fourth woman he met.
“It’s all just a matter of chance,” my dad told me, which terrified me because chance felt so dangerous and is partly why my generation keeps swiping and trying to improve the odds.
Lesson learned: Don’t worry, there’s still time.
It’s the “little things” that really count
Having grown up watching Hollywood movies, it’s easy to believe that love is all about grand gestures.
But I realized that love actually lies in the respect you show another person, or the way you show that you think of them. It’s my dad mowing my mom’s allotment and she buys him fried egg chips at a fancy wine bar because she knows he’s obsessed with fried eggs.
So when I went back to the house of a guy I was dating and found the place filthy and with no hot water, I realized that was no sign of anyone caring.
Conversely, a date recently stopped by with a nice scented candle and noticed how many I had in my apartment and I was pleased with the gesture.
Great couples are not the clingy type
My dad is the guy who makes small problems into drama, and my mom is the long-suffering partner who chooses her own battles.
He’s an introvert; She loves big gatherings. Do opposites attract – or would mom be happier with someone more sociable and less contradictory? I realized that the fact that they aren’t joined at the hip is one of the reasons their marriage works so well.
I’ve seen that great couples don’t have to do everything together. My parents have many interests in common, but they also exist as separate people who choose to live their lives together – and I now see the value of space in allowing love to thrive over the long term.
The Glue of a Relationship: What stood out more than anything else was that our house was full of humor (stock image)
deliveroo? Serve a meal made with love
What I also learned is how much domestic offerings can mean to someone. My dad is a brilliant chef who always has something ready for dinner, while I’m of the Deliveroo generation who are more used to ordering.
Watching my dad, I started learning to cook so one day I could know how to make something great for someone else.
As for weaknesses, my father rarely surprised my mother with flowers or gifts, and I figured I’d remember that and try to make an effort if I was ever lucky enough to find a life partner.
My mother’s weakness is that after a few glasses of wine she gets a little perceptive and then emotional – a trait I share. Dad, however, understands this immensely.
In fact, I loved how tolerant they both are of the foibles that my grass-is-greener generation could potentially end a relationship with.
Laughter is the glue of a relationship
What stood out more than anything else was that our house was full of humor.
I jotted down the funniest quotes and read them out loud at night. They actually found this more hysterical than during the actual conversations.
They spoke like a double and I often felt like I was in some sort of rural farce.
And the few things I won’t miss. . .
There are things no one wants to share with their parents. It was just embarrassing to sneak back in with a successful date.
“I’ll never get used to how quickly young people sleep together,” my mother said. Was I shamed by my own mother?
It was even worse when Dad told me that men are always more interested when women keep them waiting.
Nobody wants to talk to their father about sex.
My younger brother got married this year and I wondered if my future might include marriage and children.
I hope modern dating hasn’t ruined me so completely that I can’t stay with someone for more than six months. But with my parents anchoring the idea of what life with someone else can mean, I believe I now have a better chance of finding lasting love.