It’s a sentence you don’t normally read in the hallways of the maternity ward. This is a sentence that probably surprises you too.
He. Mister. Give birth. Yes you’ve read correctly.
Shine was born in Ivory Coast. He never recognized himself in the female body that belonged to him.
“I always knew who I was,” he summarizes, holding his mini-Queen Mary in his arms.
The adorable little girl is sleeping soundly, as babies often do when visitors come. Crisp under her newborn hat, she stretches in her sleep and squirms a little when she’s hungry.
When he looks at her, when he holds her close, the new dad has loving eyes and a tender voice. Like any new father.
“We get to know each other, she and I. I learn a lot from her every day. »
Queen Mary was born exactly three weeks ago. She is a wanted, desired, expected child.
“The patience has finally paid off,” remarks gently the man, who tells me that he only arrived in the country six years ago.
It’s quite a journey. Despite the short nights and adjusting to a new life navigated by his brand new baby, the Sherbrooke resident agreed to meet with me to share his story.
“Because if I can use my experience to move things forward, I want to do it to share it. »
You need role models who show the way and speak up. And Shine knows his story can resonate with other people who are going through something similar to him, who want to start a family, who have been through something similar.
“Also, we may be more used to white people speaking out in the LGBTQ+ community, and immigrant citizens may be less so. I know that in African culture we do not have the courage to speak publicly about our experiences or feelings. We keep both the suffering and the great joy to ourselves. It’s not that we don’t want it, it’s that our culture is like that. But I hope that others follow, that they dare to express themselves. »
Shine is not new. He did it in his home country, then in France and again in Kenya.
“My country is not that open and when I was there it wasn’t easy for transgender people who were considered sex workers. There were gay and lesbian organizations, but many lesbians did not officially come out and were forced to be married. Being part of the LGBT+ community in a context like that in Ivory Coast can make you feel like you are fighting against yourself, your family and society. And in the end you feel like you’re all alone against everyone. This leads to some young people committing suicide and others being on the streets. »
Some in his family are very comfortable with his identity, others are not.
“I still extend my hand to those who are willing. One day my hand might get tired. I will not spend my life waiting for others. »
In August 2017, Shine was one of the panelists invited to Fierté Montréal’s first international French-speaking LGBT+ meeting. He was happy to come to Canada. A few days before his departure, an unexpected storm occurred. The unexpected terror.
“I was attacked by men in balaclavas who came to my house. They beat me and insulted me because of my gender identity. »
As they left, they let the threat hang. This first attack was a warning. Next time his life would be in danger.
“I left all my things behind and hid until I flew here. I had to leave after 48 hours, but the people at the event told me that it was good to fight, but even better to stay alive. That now that I was exposed, I couldn’t go back there. At first I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know anyone here, I didn’t have any family there. »
Shine informed the organizers of his situation, he found support from an organization and a lawyer to apply for asylum and then a permanent residence permit. Since then he has lived in Quebec.
The episode of the attack of which he was a victim 6 years ago evokes the idea of fear. The one who can paralyze speech. It takes courage to tell stories, even elsewhere, including here, where there is great openness to differences and where there are successes.
“I have decided that I do not give anyone the right to impose silence on me. Because if I remain silent, I condemn other people to experience the same thing. It goes against my values and my principles. And by sharing an experience, we enable others to realize that they are not alone, it can help change their mentality,” says the person who works at TransEstrie.
That’s why he agreed to take part in the Coalition of LGBT+ Families’ Pride and Resilience exhibition. And that’s why we, he and I, talk about his journey over the last few months.
Baby project
Having a child and starting a family with his lover were among his deepest wishes.
“My partner Marie-Josée still lives in Africa, we are taking steps to immigrate. As a trans man, I had the physiological ability to carry a baby to term. It was a path that came naturally. I think if heterosexual men had the opportunity to give birth, many would do it. I have taken steps to realize my desire to have a family. »
He first went to the clinic, where the gynecologist accompanying him was not very optimistic.
“She told me that because of my two blocked fallopian tubes, it was not certain that I would give birth even if I had surgery. I waited a year for an appointment for this, but no one called me back. »
At some point, the woman who is now his daughter’s godmother told him about a Facebook group that could put him in touch with sperm donors.
“I left the medical field, found a donor and after the medical tests were completed, I started artificial insemination at home. »
It took eight attempts over eight consecutive months for a first pregnancy test to show the expected two small lines.
“After dreaming about it for so long, I couldn’t believe it. »
Second test, two small lines.
“But even after that, I had a blood test confirmed. »
Which of course turned out to be positive again.
“When my friend said to me, ‘Thank you so much for this gift,’ that’s when I really realized it was true. That I would have a baby. All emotions are running high. »
A baby building its nest goes through the body. It lives in the stomach for nine months. And it affects self-image.
“I didn’t have any major episodes of dysphoria, I didn’t have any vomiting or more difficult moments. It’s like my daughter was nice to me from the start. But no matter, my chest has expanded due to pregnancy and hormones. I felt less comfortable with that, it was difficult. So much so that at some point I could no longer see myself. I had covered all the mirrors in my house. »
People around him asked him questions about breastfeeding. It remained a foggy road.
“I didn’t know if I would breastfeed or not, so I thought I would see how I felt. After Queen Mary’s birth, which went very well, the medical team placed her skin-to-skin on me. She immediately looked for something to drink. I had no resistance or movement backwards. It happened very naturally. For me, that’s where she finds her food, period. »
Shine is used to dealing with stares and questions. Even if it hurts sometimes. Because there is intolerance and racism here too.
“I didn’t go out much at the end of my pregnancy to avoid being pushed around or talked to. When I heard “esti de noir, go back home” it already happened to me. »
The last time was on the bus. One man mocked him: “I thought Roxham Road was closed. »
“At that moment I couldn’t help but say everything I had to say. »
3 weeks ago today
On the day Queen Mary was born at CHUS, the contractions lasted a long time. There was overlap in the care teams. Three doctors came through the room.
“Everyone had a lot of respect for what I was going through and my gender identity. The next day they all came to see me. A nurse on duty thanked me because my visit had made them all aware of a different reality. »
It was a blessing to hear these words, and they made the new father feel welcome in who he was.
“In fact, I was always served very respectfully. My only difficulty was when I went for the ultrasound where they systematically refused to call me anything other than the first name that was on my insurance card. Even though I explained that I was a trans man. »
This is a situation that will not happen again. Because his application for a name change has now been completed.
“Everything is happening at the same time, I only recently received the official papers. Just nine days after my daughter was born. I can now begin the process of obtaining my Canadian citizenship. »
He hopes his partner can come to him at some point. And this family life will also be able to exist outside of the screen.
“We talk to each other on WhatsApp, she sees our little Queen Mary on video, but it’s not like she experiences everything in person. There are moments that will never come back, we know that. »
What Shine also knows is that he wants a more tolerant and inclusive society for his daughter than the one in which he grew up.
“She will be a strong person, I know that too. »
And what he wants to convey to her is respect for others.
“Respect is important. When you respect others as yourself, there is no reason for you to judge what they are experiencing. And of course, what you do with your life afterwards only affects you. »
He is confident that the horizon will be beautiful. Among other things, because he increased the number of conferences in schools. The young people he met were always an inspiration.
“Tomorrow is prepared today. When I see the strength of the teenagers I meet, I know that if we give them space, if we listen to them, it will be okay, they will create something beautiful around themselves. »
And it will be beautiful around Queen Mary, around the children who will be born today.
Beauty and a happy life, that’s basically all Shine wants for her daughter. Like any new father.
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