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Hello Carolyn: I was in a 15 year relationship that ended about a year and a half ago. It’s been good for the most part, but it’s been pretty bumpy over the last five years, and we’ve both done a lot for that. We have never been married, but we have a 9-year-old son together, and I have also helped raise her now-adult son, treating him as my own.
When things got so bad that I had to live as strangers in the same house, I realized that I desperately wanted to save our family. Her reaction was anything but enthusiastic. I suspected she was having an affair, but she lied to me and gaslighted me. Even after I found out the truth, I told her we could do it. Eventually I caught her in another lie, which was the final straw.
According to legal advice, I had planned to remain in the home until a parenting agreement was finalized. She was so mean and evil that the situation became unbearable and I was forced to move out. I only took a few pieces of furniture and my car with me, although I invested in the mortgage, maintenance and upgrades and did much of the work myself. Even then, I wrote her a long letter thanking her for the relationship, expressing what she had meant to me, and apologizing for the pain I had caused her.
In return, I got a years-long legal battle just to get equal parenting time, custody rights, and equal medical choices. I won in all three areas. I’m now in a relationship with someone who is caring, open, honest and transparent and it feels good.
Here is my problem. I don’t want anything to do with my ex unless it’s strictly about our son. I don’t want to co-parent; Instead, I practice parallel parenting. I don’t want to otherwise engage and “be nice” when we’re at his events. I completely ignore them. He is a very active child, so there are many events, exercises, etc., sometimes several in a week.
Our son didn’t ask about the obvious lack of commitment. Do you think this has a negative impact on him? Do you think I should at least exchange greetings for his sake?
Tell us: What is your favorite Carolyn Hax column about growing up?
A dad: This seems like a simple question with a simple answer: “Yes, be nice for your son’s sake, because ignoring his mother obviously has a negative effect.”
However, given the years of discord your son has experienced, he may be relieved that you are avoiding each other and prefer these events without fear of his parents fighting.
I’m not saying that’s true or that ignoring each other is right. Treating people as if they don’t exist is objectively terrible and a last resort. My point is that “for his sake” depends on him, on how he really feels, and not on me or you or any other adult saying what’s best for him. Nor do they behave in a vacuum; You can choose to greet your ex, but she decides how she reacts.
Obviously, as a parent of a minor child, you must make decisions without first-hand knowledge of your child’s mental state. But you will serve him better if you start from broader goals that focus on his mental health, using the reality you have versus what “should” be happening – and using your senses to recognize what he needs. And let his simple daily conversations lead you to topics he enjoys talking about.
For example, it’s tempting to think, “I need to say hello to his mother so our son can see that we get along”—such a simple, innocuous cause and effect. But look at the reason you’re considering this step: you want his world to be stable, supportive, and not scary, so he has room to grow, try new things, and build self-confidence. You want him to trust his parents and himself. Right?
If so, is greeting your ex the best way to accomplish this given the realities you face? Maybe like this. Maybe not if engagement would lead to conflict. Maybe you let your anger cool into indifference. Maybe more creative planning is the answer. Maybe notice the direction your son pulls you when you enter a room.
The answer is certainly not to ignore your mother just because “I don’t want to have anything to do with her.” This is about your son, not you. So that’s good – you’re asking the right questions to get better answers.
But even if you figure out what he needs, it won’t be a fixed amount. For now, discrete distance may be wisest. Over time, you may notice that he needs something different, or that your reality has shifted toward new options.
What remains constant is your son’s rightful place at the top of your priority list. Be attentive and “listen” for the things for which he still lacks the words or maturity. Be willing to be who he needs.