I have a recurring fantasy that involves a beach, a margarita, and most of all, an attractive husband. You know there’s a much-needed vacation. Like many couples, my husband and I long for some time alone – some time to relax, take a break from everyday life and have real contact.
But my fantasy flight never gets off the ground. It’s cancelled. Every time.
The unfortunate reality is that we won’t be taking a luxury romantic vacation anytime soon for the same reasons we rarely pass up on fancy dates, expensive gifts, or exciting excursions: money and babies. So where is the love part of this marriage without the exciting prospect of romantic getaways?
We have the teamwork part down pat. Every day we take care of the house and children. But to maintain the romance in our marriage, we both need quality time and beautiful experiences together. In the busyness of life, that much-needed romantic connection can seem nearly impossible.
Luckily for us and most couples, it turns out that ways to improve romance are more attainable than you think. According to psychologist Dr. According to John Gottman of Love Lab fame, lasting love is nurtured through small, everyday moments of connection.
That’s right: The quality of love in your relationship is determined in the daily grind, not in that all-inclusive vacation in Mexico. What exactly does he mean by that? Here are three everyday marriage habits that can make your marriage last forever.
Here are 3 daily habits that are better for your marriage than a vacation:
1. Do small and thoughtful, kind things for each other
According to relationship expert Dr. Jack Ito, small acts of love and kindness can go a long way. In his article “How to Show Love in Marriage,” he writes that the big things we do in marriage only get us so far.
Working full time to pay the mortgage, prepare meals, and care for the children—these things are necessary, expected, and come with responsibilities. However, little extras are obviously done because you want to do them. You show your spouse that you are willing to put in the extra effort because he or she is worth it.
In “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman that Hollywood distorts our ideas of romantic love: “Seeing Humphrey Bogart take the teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart flutter, but real-life romance is fueled by more monotonous scenes.” . It stays alive every time you show your spouse that he or she is valued during the stresses of everyday life.”
When I think about it, I feel a strong sense of love when my husband does the simplest things for me, like preparing my plate for dinner or texting me during the day to see how I’m doing. Or when he does little things to help me as a mother. Almost every morning, Kyle brings the baby to me with a clean diaper. This is love, my friend.
2. Make time to say yes to each other every day
Time is the enemy of busy couples. But time spent in positive interactions with your spouse is non-negotiable.
Like Dr. Gottman writes, “A man and a woman are constantly vying for each other’s attention—introducing a topic of conversation, implicitly asking for a favor, etc.—and the most successful couples are those who constantly turn to their partners.” I suppose , that they say “yes” to each other’s requests for attention, interaction and love. These everyday interactions serve to build a bank of love and trust, says Dr. Gottman.
I’m just thinking about the attempt at attention and contact that I missed last week. Kyle spent hours digging, planting, and spreading mulch in our yard. Several times throughout the process he asked if I had seen the latest thing he had completed. At least twice I said no, I hadn’t seen it, and continued folding laundry.
Eventually I figured out what he wanted: share the experience with me to see if I liked his work. I’ve gone into the backyard a few times since then. He finds meaningful moments of connection in his joy of spring gardening.
3. Establish relationship rituals and daily marriage habits
There’s something powerful about creating the “just us” element in a relationship. As couples therapist Zach Brittle says, rituals are a way to ensure your relationship is unique. Rituals are regular activities or traditions that you share as a couple that serve to strengthen your bond.
If you’re like me, you have a love-hate relationship with Netflix. I feel like my free time could be better spent reading a book, but honestly, one of the best rituals Kyle and I share is watching something together.
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As soon as the last babe is in bed, we practically run to the couch and start our current show. We really bond with each other throughout the entire process. If it sounds like I’m defending a hardcore habit, then I am. The ritual we have established is to spend our relaxing time in the evening together and share something that we both enjoy.
When I finally go on my dream vacation, I want to travel with a lot of love and trust in the bank.
I want to include all of our inside jokes and a history of thoughtfulness and goodwill. I want to have the overwhelming feeling that this sweet husband is my partner in life and romance. That should make for a hot vacation.
The Gottman Institute’s approach to relationship health was developed from 40 years of groundbreaking research with thousands of couples.
This article was originally published on the Gottman Institute. Reprinted with permission of the author.