MAUREEN CALLAHAN: What A Lot Of Golden Balls! David Beckham's Slick Netflix Hagiography Is Straight From The Sussex Playbook... Here Are The Posh And Becks Scandals They've Conveniently Forgotten

Bend it like Beckham – that is, the narrative.

A new four-part Netflix documentary series, simply titled Beckham, promises to take us into the legendary footballer’s private world, with David and his wife Victoria, née Posh Spice, more candid than ever before.

If ever a subject qualifies for such treatment, it is David Beckham: a one-of-a-kind athlete blessed with the looks of a Greek god; whose marriage to Posh created the British power couple of the ’90s, whose every move was a subject of global fascination; Beckham himself, a boy of modest means who became rich through an impressive work ethic that bordered on obsession.

No wonder he has his fingerprints all over this documentary. His obvious OCD as seen on screen explains a lot.

If only it were called “Golden Balls,” after his inimitable nickname. Humor is the only thing in short supply here.

Listen as he recounts his nightly ritual of cutting off every single candle wick, removing its smoky black residue, dimming the lights just a little, and cleaning up until the wee hours of the morning – even as he gripes, “I’m not sure “Is that really appreciated by my wife?”

This is a man who logs complaints and manipulates every little detail of his life.

Bend it like Beckham – that is, the narrative. A new four-part Netflix documentary series, simply titled Beckham, promises to take us into the legendary footballer’s private world, with David and his wife Victoria, née Posh Spice, more candid than ever before.

Yet he has his fingerprints all over this documentary. His obvious OCD as seen on screen explains a lot. (Pictured: Beckham family at the Netflix premiere).

If only it were called “Golden Balls,” after his inimitable nickname. Humor is the only thing in short supply here. (Pictured: Beckham’s infamous red card in the 1998 World Cup final).

Do we really think he will give up control of his story, let alone Brand Beckham, to anyone?

Of course not. And director Fisher Stevens, best known as Hugo in “Succession,” likes to follow Beckham’s metaphorical white line.

Remember the unforgettable moment when scion Kendall Roy says to Hugo, “You’ll be my dog, but the leftovers from the table will be millions,” and Hugo responds, “Woof.” Shoot’.

This obsequiousness apparently extends to Stevens avoiding anything that would be remotely unflattering, let alone controversial.

There are many newer, relevant things that go unnoticed for four and a half hours: rumors about David’s multiple affairs, which are always denied; the desperate campaign he launched to retain his knighthood (even branding the selection committee “ungrateful wretches” when he was initially overlooked); a once-close friendship with Tom Cruise amid rumors that the movie star wanted the Beckhams to join Scientology; a reported dispute with the Sussexes; alleged conflict with son Brooklyn’s wife, billionaire heiress Nicola Peltz; Victoria’s failed US reality show and clothing line had long robbed her of money; and most consequential is David’s recent payday from Qatar, a country where gays are imprisoned and women are persecuted, and his refusal to apologize.

What a multi-part document that would be!

As we unfortunately saw with the recent Netflix series “Harry & Meghan,” Michael Jordan’s ten-part hagiography “The Last Dance,” Jennifer Lopez’s “Halftime,” and the four-part Apple TV special “The Super Models,” The Documentary , as we once knew him, is dead.

Today’s documentaries are no longer the domain of respected filmmakers like DA Pennebaker (“Don’t Look Back,” “The War Room”) or Albert and David Maysles (“Grey Gardens”), but are purely vanity projects.

These famous subjects likely have their director’s blessing, their interviewee’s blessing, the questions they may or may not be asked – and in some cases, possibly the final cut.

Scandals are toned down or not mentioned at all, conflicts are minimized, personal mistakes and failures are brushed aside. The legacy is the game, the truth is fungible, history is rewritten.

It all can make for a deadly viewing experience, although “Beckham” delivers in an unintended way. Our subject, known worldwide and revered throughout his adult life, lacks one key quality: self-confidence.

He spends most of this documentary complaining about the press – how intrusive it is, how intrusive, how he feared for his young son’s life at the height of Beckham mania.

No matter that “Posh and Becks” enjoyed the attention: They sold exclusive pictures of their wedding to OK! Magazine for a million pounds; David changed his hair week after week and made the front page every time; He wore a sarong over his pants during the 1998 World Cup, a world-shaking event known as “Sarong Goal.”

Do we really think he will give up control of his story, let alone Brand Beckham, to anyone? Of course not. And director Fisher Stevens, best known as Hugo in Succession, likes to follow Beckham’s metaphorical white line and avoid anything remotely unflattering or even controversial.

Our subject, known worldwide and revered throughout his adult life, lacks one key quality: self-confidence. He spends most of this documentary complaining about the press – how intrusive it is, how intrusive. No matter that “Posh and Becks” enjoyed the attention: They sold exclusive pictures of their wedding to OK! Magazine for a million pounds.

David changed his hair week after week, making the front page every time – or wearing a sarong over his pants during the 1998 World Cup, a world-shattering event known as “sarong-gate.”

‘I never did [any of] “It’s meant to raise awareness,” he says here. “I am not that person”.

Ha!

Beckham also clearly has no idea how narcissistic and controlling he seems – let alone that he treats his wife in a completely dismissive, if not contemptuous, manner. In comparison, Victoria does quite well here.

Midway through the first episode, as she says that it was their working-class background that bonded them early on, David – who is listening from behind a closed door – looks in and interrupts her.

“Be honest,” he tells her.

‘I’m honest!’ Victoria answers.

“Be honest,” he says again. “What car did your father drive you to school in?”

“So my father –”

‘No no no no no no’.

“In the 80s my father had a Rolls Royce.”

“Thanks,” David says authoritatively, closing the door behind him. Victoria squirms on the sofa and changes her expression. It’s not played for fun; She is clearly humiliated.

Moving on: Later in the same episode, Victoria remembers that she gave birth to her first child via cesarean section. David must prepare to go outside and make the announcement.

“I remember him bending over when I was there in the hospital,” Victoria tells us, “numb from the waist down.”

And what did David, who has presented himself as the ultimate family man all these years, have to say?

‘[I] she asked, “Can you do my hair?” he recalls. “Which I’m not sure she was overjoyed about.”

David also remembers being forced out of England’s Manchester United and taking a call from the boss of Spain’s Real Madrid asking Beckham if he would play for them.

Beckham’s spontaneous response? ‘Yes. No problem. Completed.’ He did not consult his wife.

This is a recurring theme in the documentary: Victoria settles in a new country with her growing family, only to be informed by David without conversation or warning that they are moving on to another country. Immediately.

When Real Madrid called, Victoria – then a young mother of two trying to navigate her own career – was completely taken by surprise.

“What do you mean we’re going to Spain?” She asked him, “When?”

“In about 12 hours,” he told her.

“We don’t have an apartment!” she protested. “We don’t have schools for the children.”

But she did it, and Victoria sits in the front row at the Real Madrid press conference and greets her husband. Your reward?

“Of course I love my family,” Beckham told the assembled press. “But football means everything to me.”

Victoria initially spent the working week in England and traveled to Spain on the weekends, but this is portrayed as David’s struggle – lonely, so lonely without his family, as if it wasn’t all his own doing, his unilateral decision, his family’s wishes and must be damned.

‘[It] “It was difficult not having a family,” he says. “I remember being upset on the phone with Victoria because I was lonely.”

This is the context given to address the “affair” Beckham reportedly had with her family’s personal assistant, Rebecca Loos, a very particular kind of betrayal, a cheating scandal against rivals Charles and Camilla.

We don’t hear Loos’ name or voice, and Beckham never denies the affair, although he has always done so in the past.

Instead, he blames, yes, the media before offering this bromide: “Victoria is everything to me… It was very hard to see her hurt, but we are fighters… We had to fight for each other, we had to fight for our family… But Ultimately, it’s our private life.”

And therein lies the hypocrisy: You can’t make a no-holds-barred Netflix documentary about how great you are and then blame the press for making your life miserable.

‘[It] “It was difficult not having a family,” he says. This is the context given to address the ‘affair’ Beckham reportedly had with her family’s personal assistant, Rebecca Loos (pictured), a very particular kind of betrayal, a cheating scandal towards rivals Charles and Camilla. We don’t hear Loos’ name or voice, and Beckham never denies the affair, although he has always done so in the past. Instead, he blames the media.

You can’t invite cameras into your home and then complain about someone invading your privacy.

You can’t build your brand on being a devoted family man while telling the world that football will always come first – let alone making fun of your wife like Beckham always does in this documentary seems to do.

What was supposed to be David Beckham’s greatest piece of propaganda could, as the Sussex documentary did, backfire.

It turns out that Beckham won’t bend – not for his wife, not for his children and certainly not for us, the viewers. Whether he is aware of it or not, the golden orbs may have lost their luster.