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Dear Sahaj: My husband and I have been making changes over the last year. We tried to improve our marriage by talking more and changing our lifestyle. I’m trying to communicate more about what upset me instead of sulking like before. I noticed that my husband wrote down all of these cases in a list. The list includes:
· Walk with your children every day so that she has time for herself.
· Don’t bring up your children’s conflicts with her.
· Don’t compare her to you or she might feel judged.
· Don’t talk about her, even things that seem neutral run the risk of being seen as negative when heard from her. Only speak positively about her.
Follow this authorSahaj Kaur Kohli
· Always give her 100% attention when speaking.
· Don’t share your vulnerabilities with her – she doesn’t care and might use this later for an offensive attack.
The last one destroyed me. I can’t believe I would ever do that and if I did we would never have talked about it. I don’t really know what to do. Do I just accept that these are his private thoughts and leave it at that? Or do I respond to how he sees me? Is this a sign that we need help?
Hurt and confused: Your husband’s intention seems to be to remember what makes you feel loved and what keeps peace in your relationship. However, there are a few points of concern – for example, that he avoids topics with you that could be viewed as negative, and that he is hesitant to be vulnerable with you for fear of being offended later.
Not everything you read in a person’s diary can be considered fact. He may have made this list in the heat of his own emotions and without any intention of you seeing it. Everyone has their own coping strategies for dealing with disagreements. For some, that means venting to a friend or working with a therapist. For others, like your husband, writing down unfiltered private thoughts can provide a sense of control when dealing with conflict.
I spoke with my colleague and licensed marriage and family therapist Maria Sosa, who explained to me that “sometimes in our efforts to solve one problem in our relationships, we end up creating a whole new set of problems.” It’s clear that you both trying to figure out how to deal with the changes you’ve experienced recently – you, by trying to say more, and him, by writing it all down. Yet you still find it difficult to truly connect. As Sosa sees it, “it seems as if the things you shared were not perceived through a compassionate lens, but rather accumulated as resentment.”
It will harm your relationship if you don’t address how this list made you feel and how your husband experiences you and your marriage. They should be careful that any resentment does not already turn into contempt or complete disregard and disrespect for each other. According to marriage experts John and Julie Gottman, contempt is the number one trigger for divorce. It can also be a sign that there is a lack of appreciation or empathy in your relationship.
Dealing with this and fixing the problems in your marriage may require a professional to mediate your conversations – especially since you already have difficulty communicating. However, you can address this issue before deciding that a professional is necessary. Be honest with your husband about how you discovered this list when you bring it up. Conduct your conversation with curiosity and empathy, not defensiveness or anger. As Sosa points out, this cannot be about deciding who is right and who is wrong. You want to be open to really listening and trying to understand his feelings about your marriage.
Do you have a question for Sahaj? Ask her here.
It’s great to communicate more instead of “sulking like before,” but the way you communicate is important too. Arguing and conflict are normal parts of a relationship, but you want to make sure you both argue fairly. For example, do you find it difficult to give your husband the benefit of the doubt? Or do you use I language instead of Thou language when communicating your feelings, which can seem more accusatory? What changes and conflicts keep occurring in your relationship? What role do you play in it? How do you deal with them or how do you react to them? Answering these questions does not mean that you alone are responsible for the changes or problems in your marriage.
It takes a lot of courage not to back down when faced with difficult parts of ourselves or our loved ones. By being honest about how you feel and being curious about each other’s experiences, you can change your behavior and hopefully create a positive change in your relationship.