I like to think that I’m a pretty positive person. It takes a lot to get me down and I tend to choose friends who are easygoing. But not long ago I hit rock bottom in a relationship. It had become so toxic and my self-esteem had never been so low. I lost about 5kg in two weeks and had to question everything.
I know, grim.
After a particularly bad argument with my husband, I received a text message from him that immediately sent shivers down my spine. It stimulated all my senses and for the first time in a long time I realized that I had to get myself out of this scary situation I had gotten myself into.
It read: “You have made a dangerous enemy out of me.”
I knew immediately he wasn’t joking, and I knew exactly what the threat meant. It meant: Take care of yourself.
After a bad argument with my husband, he sent me a text message that immediately sent shivers down my spine. It activated all of my spider senses… I had to get myself out of this scary situation
There were many warning signs for a man I dated. The first was his “jokes” about the scary people he knew. He would say things like, “Don’t mess with me, haha.”
After receiving this message, I did two things. The first option was to book a flight to New York the following week, as your body tends to go into “fight or flight” mode when you feel threatened, and in this case, I did I decided to escape. Literally.
Secondly, I booked a session with my fabulous French therapist. She may be tiny in stature but very powerful in her advice and I needed someone to steer the ship for a second.
As I walked into her office, I burst into tears and said, “I just need you to give me the right tools to get out of this situation.” You see the problem with a toxic relationship is that you can’t just turn off your feelings, although You know the person is bad for you.
I was equal parts afraid of him and yet still in love with him. It’s not a good situation and I never thought I’d find myself in it again.
She handed me a tissue and asked me to take a breath. We spent the next hour trying to figure out how I got into a “situation” with a man who made such a threat in the first place, and some steps to get myself out of it. She also emphasized that it was important that I notice the red flags sooner and leave when they appear, rather than charging headfirst into them like a bull.
Oh, how I love her straightforwardness.
As we took a trip down memory lane, I realized that there were many warning signs from the beginning. The first was his “jokes” about the scary people he knew. He said things like, “Don’t mess with me, haha.”
The second red flag was the way he talked about his last two ex-girlfriends. After a few drinks he would always comment on how “crazy” they were. He never went into details, only saying they were either “crazy” or “mean.”
When I think about it, I have no doubt that these women were probably driven insane by his toxic actions. I thought about my exes and realized that they were all very nice.
Over the next few months, my therapist gave me some really good advice for avoiding future red flags, and if you’re someone who’s attracted to the more rouge-based men among us, hopefully it’ll be useful for you too.
If something doesn’t feel right, get a second opinion from a loved one or therapist. It definitely worked for me
1. As soon as you see a warning sign, fix it
She explained that honest and open dialogue from the beginning of a relationship helps create a safe place to share your concerns and set healthy boundaries. Sure, this sounds like a terrible conversation to an anxious avoidant like me, but she explained that the more you do it, the better you get at it.
For example, instead of awkwardly laughing at his jokes about not messing with him because he “knows people,” I should have said, “Hey, that makes me kind of uncomfortable.” What do you mean?’.
2. Trust your gut feeling
If it sounds like a threat, it usually is. If you suddenly feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, trust that your gut is telling the truth and leave. We always look back at bad relationships and think, “Deep down, I think I knew this wasn’t a good idea from the start,” but we ignore it because we’re full of lust and dopamine. When starting a relationship, listen less to your libido and more to your gut feeling.
3. Walk away quietly
If you are dealing with someone who has strong narcissistic tendencies or is currently in a bad mood, you will notice that they have a tendency to look for trouble. They hurt their egos and throw an adult-sized tantrum. Instead of ending the relationship in a big, dramatic argument, just calmly explain your reasons for leaving and then give them plenty of space.
4. Like a good Girl Scout, always be prepared
Some warning signs can be very subtle. So if you notice something that doesn’t feel quite right, write it down. The occasional white lie or hint of love-bombing could just be because they’re trying to impress you. But when they start adding up, you may realize too late that you’re in a bad situation. Enjoy the beginning of a relationship, but always stay on top of things.
5. Be kind to yourself
And finally, I think the most important thing you can do when you realize you’re in a toxic relationship is to be kind to yourself. We have all made mistakes and been swept up in the passion that these situations bring. You can’t make smart decisions from a bad head. So remember that you are human and surround yourself with friends and family who only want the best for you. This is no time to hide. If something doesn’t feel right, get a second opinion from a loved one or therapist. It definitely worked for me!
If you or someone you know is in a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation, call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for anonymous professional help 24 hours a day, seven days a week.