In the champagne-soaked, rose-scented world of ABC’s “The Bachelor,” some things are strictly forbidden, although the rules often remain unspoken. At least in ancient times, people tried to avoid saying “I love you” to more than one person, and to this day strong expressions of commitment are generally frowned upon for obvious reasons. However, apparently no one told The Golden Bachelor’s first leading man, Gerry Turner, anything about it.
On Thursday, the 71-year-old retired restaurateur made a huge mess during his Fantasy Suite week – one that will be all but impossible to clean up at the finale in two weeks. The show has been dutifully teasing Gerry’s disastrous finale for weeks, but now we can say it’s official: There’s no way anyone is coming out of this emotionally unscathed.
Gerry knows that when we voyeurs at home enter the Fantasy Suites, we’ll be wondering what’s happening behind closed doors between him and his final loves – Theresa and Leslie. Like any gentleman, he is committed to ensuring that we don’t find out. “Honestly,” he says of curious fans, “I feel like it’s none of their business.”
Honestly, he’s right and he should say it! But we don’t need to see these intimate moments to know that Gerry may have really screwed things up in at least one way. Didn’t host Jesse Palmer or someone else warn this poor man about the dangers of telling a finalist you think she’s “The One”?!
For this season’s Fantasy Suites, we fly to beautiful Costa Rica, where Gerry begins his week rappelling down a cliff with brave Minnesotan Leslie. The adrenaline of her triumph was obviously getting to Gerry’s head, because over dinner he started saying all the nice things you shouldn’t say on a televised dating show with a diabolical social experiment.
For Gerry, the best aspect of “Fantasy Suites” isn’t necessarily the physical intimacy (although he points out that old people still do “Knock Boots”). Instead, he says, he enjoys the chance to “speak without a filter.” It’s an admirable thought that he clearly goes way too far.
Gerry has already told Leslie he loves her, as has Faith – who he sent home in tears last week. Still, he has his concerns: Are he and Leslie both viewing their journey through rose-colored glasses? Do they really delve into the tough questions, like where they’ll live after the series ends?
Leslie isn’t sure about the living conditions yet, but her confidence seems to calm Gerry’s nerves. (“Instead of bicoastal, we can be bi-Midwestern,” she jokes.) And when Gerry asks if she’s ready for a lifelong commitment, Leslie insists that I want to too, even though she’s been divorced twice. I do.”
At this point Gerry makes his first blunder and replies, “And we will.” What???
Then comes mistake #2, when Gerry tells Leslie about some advice he received from The Bachelorette’s first leading lady, Trista Sutter (née Rehn). “You have to find the thing you can’t live without, not the thing you can live with,” Gerry remembers Sutter telling him. As for Leslie, he adds, “I think you’re the one. I think you’re the one.”
If that’s not enough to make seasoned Bachelor recappers throw their bowls of popcorn in the air in resignation, there’s also this adorable little speech Gerry gives to Leslie before they part ways: “It’s like I have to.” treat you to morning coffee,” he says. “I have to have you when I go to bed at night. … That’s how it is, and I don’t know how we would decide where we would live. We would have to find out. But I don’t think there’s anyone I’d rather try to figure this out with.”
Leslie, on the other hand, may not be so good at poetics; She compares Gerry to an old shoe, which is apparently meant to be a compliment because it is “comfortable” and “fits well.” (I mean, I get it, but does anyone really want to be compared to broken-in shoes?)
Five and a half seconds later, it’s time for Gerry to ride with Theresa, and you’ll be shocked – just shocked – to learn that he seems pretty torn up the moment he arrives.
Gerry has been holding back from telling Theresa he loves her, and now he’s looking for the right opportunity to say it, all the while wondering what Leslie is up to. Unsurprisingly, she notices that he seems a little distracted — leading her to say perhaps one of the funniest things in Bachelor history: “Maybe this is the kind of date where you really focus on that horse.” ?”
Still, Gerry clearly idolizes Theresa, and his admiration deepens when she tells him about her transition from a full-time mom and day trader to a financial services professional with seven securities licenses. (Theresa, I know you just told Gerry that you’d retire if you guys stayed together, but if there’s a chance you’d be willing to share some stock tips with a humble writer beforehand, that’s my number …)
In the end, Gerry does tell Theresa he loves her, but after both fantasy suite dates are over, he doesn’t seem any closer to finding out which woman he loves more. As we already know from the season previews, this will be a big problem. In a preview of the finale, which airs on ABC on November 30, Gerry admits: “I took a really good person and broke his heart.”
Our Golden Bachelor later adds: “If I had known that I would cause so much pain to someone, I would never have taken the first step on this journey.” Who will have their heart broken is anyone’s guess – perhaps at this point Gerry’s.
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