Dear Jane,
My family and I are in the process of booking our annual Christmas vacation, which has been a tradition for as long as I can remember.
What started as a small meeting in my uncle’s hut as a child has turned into a big thing – and this year we’re all heading to Germany so my mother can finally realize her dream of strolling through a real Christmas market.
There are 14 of us in total, which made planning a little crazy – especially when it comes to budgeting as some family members want to scrimp while others want to splurge.
I don’t come from a wealthy family, but I’ve become quite successful and have developed what you’d probably call a taste for luxury. Let’s put it this way: There’s no way I can happily spend eight hours on a bus, crammed in among strangers and questionable hygiene.
Dear Jane, I want to fly first class myself for my family vacation – my mother says it makes me look spoiled and invites me off the trip
When it came to booking our flights, I told everyone that I would pay for the first class flight myself. I work really hard and for me the relaxation part of my vacation begins the moment I enter the lounge and order my first glass of wine.
Unfortunately, this is not acceptable for my family.
When I told my mother about my plans, she said I would ruin family time and we would all have to fly together. She said my aunts would think I was superior if I flew in alone first.
We ended up having a pretty terrible argument where she accused me of being “hoity toity” and said I should probably skip the whole trip.
I feel like I shouldn’t be the one giving in here, but she won’t see the point or reason in it. Do I have to give up my boundaries to make my family happy just because they can’t afford the same luxuries as me?!
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
Out of,
Plane outraged
Dear airplane outraged,
On the one hand, you work hard, you clearly have the disposable income that allows you to fly first class, and there should be no reason why you can’t give yourself the vacation you think you deserve.
However, this trip isn’t about you, it’s about a family vacation and an annual tradition.
I’m assuming you’ve flown in the back of the bus before, otherwise this problem would have occurred. Your vacation may start with a free glass of wine in the first class lounge, but if your family doesn’t come with you, you’re already parting ways with them, and that’s what this is all about.
Family trips are never about us; It’s about leaning in and accepting that we can do whatever we want on our own vacation. However, when we travel in a group, we put our own needs aside to do what is best for the group.
If your family travels together en masse, your vacation might start together at the airport. If you withdraw for the flight, as your mother suggests, it may feel to your family that you are removing yourself from the group.
If you can explain to your mom that you need quiet time for yourself on the plane, but plan to do everything else with the family as soon as you land, it can ease her anxiety.
If not, book your seat on the coach and stroll around for a bit – who knows, you might even make new friends nearby… Buy yourself a good neck pillow, download some relaxing playlists on Spotify and get it an excellent book.
Dear Jane,
I got married in 12th grade and thought that would be the solution to all my problems.
My home life was never great – I was the youngest of seven children and my parents were very strict. In high school, I was probably the only 16-year-old not allowed to leave the front yard, even though I was never really in trouble.
I didn’t have any friends or birthday parties or anything like that. My parents fought constantly, and as a child I saw my father physically abuse my mother.
So marriage seemed like an escape.
Until it wasn’t the case anymore.
Our relationship ended completely loveless and I had lost all hope until I finally met my soulmate at work. We fell in love very quickly and I had planned to leave my husband for him.
But then I found out I was pregnant – and when I told him, he said he wasn’t ready to be a father and told me to have an abortion, which I couldn’t bear.
So I made the worst decision. I told my husband that the child was his and have kept it a secret ever since.
Dear Jane’s Sunday service
It’s so easy to judge others and forget that in most cases it’s not about hurting people, but that we’re all human, fallible and all make mistakes; Most of us do our best with the knowledge we have.
It is advisable to remember this before making a judgment.
I’ve been lying to him for 36 years now, all the time pretending my little girl is his daughter even though I know the terrible truth.
The older I got, the stronger my feelings of shame and guilt became. It’s eating me up inside now and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.
But surely it would break my husband’s heart to find out the truth after all these years? Not to mention my daughter’s…
Any advice?
Out of,
Dirty secret
Dear dirty secret,
There is an old saying that secrets are diseases, and as you are about to discover, carrying the burden of such a secret is actually a heavy burden.
And the truth is that secrets like this are likely to come to light, given how many DNA locations there are and how easy it is to run a test innocently believing you might discover an interesting genealogy, just to then finding out that there are secrets much closer to home.
Your daughter is 36 and she deserves to know, as does your husband. I’m assuming you’re still together and wondering if you’ve learned to love him after all this time.
Certainly it will be difficult to communicate this to both of them and no one can predict their reaction. You may understand that you were very young back then, had a sheltered childhood, had little life experience, and were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had.
I’ve watched people discover similar family secrets through DNA analysis, and I’ve watched them emerge from shock and realize that while their father is not their biological father, they are still their father and always will be .
Likewise, if you raised a child, attended his sporting events, cared for his scraped knees, and held him when he cried: He is still your child, whether you are connected by blood or not.
Whatever the outcome, I suspect you’ll be happier once you’re free from the burden of this mystery. I wish you all the best.