Three parents who are raising a child together have spoken out about their decision to raise their child genderless.
Markus Harwood-Jones, 32, calls himself “Dad” and raises 21-month-old River with his 33-year-old husband Andrew McAllister, who is “Papa,” and their 33-year-old co-parent Hannah Dees, known as ” Momo.”
Markus and Andrew met in 2012 and a year later they moved in with their friend Hannah in Toronto, Canada, who was looking for roommates.
Hannah had hoped to become a single mother by choice, and the trio talked about raising a baby together one day.
Three parents who are raising a child together have spoken out about their decision to raise their child genderless
Markus Harwood-Jones, 32, is raising 21-month-old River with his 33-year-old husband Andrew McAllister (pictured) and their 33-year-old co-parent Hannah Dees
To make this happen, they spent eight years planning what their unusual facility would look like, even drawing up a “parent agreement” that outlined their views on housing, religion and education.
Hannah underwent artificial insemination and became pregnant in April 2021. All three attended every scan and were present for River’s birth in January 2022 and each parent is listed on the little one’s birth certificate.
The family decided to raise River genderless and refused to reveal their child’s biological sex except on the birth certificate for medical reasons.
They live together permanently and meet regularly to discuss things like housework and childcare – with Markus doing most of the cooking, Andrew doing the cleaning and Hannah’s strength being raising children.
The trio say River can choose any gender identity they want when they’re old enough – but for now they use the pronouns they/them.
Although each of their families accepts the decision, they are often confronted with “blank stares” and “stupid questions.”
“We choose to raise River genderless so they can explore their possibilities as they grow,” said Markus, an author from Toronto, Canada.
“Co-parenting the three of us was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made.”
Markus (pictured) and Andrew met in 2012 and a year later they moved in with their friend Hannah in Toronto, Canada, who was looking for roommates
Hannah (pictured) hoped to become a single mother by choice and the trio chatted about raising a baby together one day
“If there weren’t three of us, we probably wouldn’t be able to afford a car and would probably have to pay for things like daycare.”
“All three of us have had complicated relationships with gender throughout our lives.
“We believe that enforced, binary gender stereotypes can have negative impacts on children and adults.”
Markus, Andrew and Hannah grew close as roommates before discussing the idea of having a child together.
“We spent about eight years planning this facility before we even tried to have a baby,” Markus said.
“We read lots of baby books, attended workshops on co-parenting, took parenting classes, and drafted a “parenting agreement” – which covered things like our respective feelings about housing, religion, and education.
“We still try to have regular family conversations to discuss all the different things that come up when living together and raising a baby together.”
River was born in January 2022 and Markus says the family chose to allow her gender to be recorded for medical reasons, but said they would never reveal it publicly.
With three parents in the house, Markus, Andrew and Hannah don’t feel the need to send River to kindergarten and can give her a lot of attention.
Markus, Andrew and Hannah grew close as roommates before discussing the idea of having a child together. The picture shows Markus and Andrew walking with River
“We spent about eight years planning this facility before we even tried to have a baby,” Markus said. River is pictured
“Because we do things a little differently, this actually provides more space for targeted conversations,” Markus added.
“We are challenging the norms of who is responsible for housework and child care at home.”
“This dynamic allows River to receive more direct attention than would otherwise be the case.”
Andrew said Markus was the most vocal about River’s genderless upbringing after he came out to his family as transgender when he was 16.
They believe that a baby’s gender should not be inferred at birth – any more than its sexuality – and wanted to use gender-neutral language to refer to River so as not to “project their own prejudices” onto her.
River’s wardrobe includes skirts, dresses and dungarees and they play with dolls and toy trains.
“Markus brought this concept to Hannah and I and we all talked about it for several years,” Andrew said.
“When River was born, we briefly considered gender assignment, but then moved to using completely neutral language whenever possible.”
“A metaphor we like is introducing your baby to gender relations the same way you would introduce them to solid foods.”
Markus, Andrew and Hannah recognize River’s biological gender and have been taught their own anatomy, although they keep it a secret from everyone else.
“We want people to know that our child’s gender is not a secret, it’s just not public information,” Hannah said.
“We teach River the anatomically correct words for her own body – and we know they can always change their legal gender later if they need to.”
“But in the short term, a legal binary gender designation is easier and safer – for example for medical emergencies and travel.”
None of the three co-parents have experienced any major “backlash” from friends or family – and say they aren’t fazed by the “blank stares” and “stupid questions” of others.
“We have quite a few people who just don’t understand what we do,” Markus added.
“Grocery store clerks and coworkers, among others, often stare blankly at us, end conversations abruptly, or ask silly questions—like, “Does your baby have a gender yet?”
“But we also have many who surprise us – and some who just don’t care.”
“Given that we’re three loud and proud queers who came together to raise a baby, we always wanted to stand out anyway.”
Markus says he and Andrew would like to live with Hannah indefinitely and would consider inviting a stepparent into the family home if she meets someone new.
“When Hannah met someone and they were together for a long time and that partner wanted to move in and take on a stepparent role, we talked about it as a group,” he said.
“If we decide it is the right choice for our family, we would find a way for them to move in with us and join us as a family unit.”
“We hope that we can live together indefinitely and want to at least stick together when it comes to raising our child.”