Dear Jane,
It feels very uncomfortable to put this into words, but ever since I gave birth to my son 18 months ago, the thought of ever having sex with my husband again has horrified me.
My husband is a great guy and a great father – it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not attracted to him or less in love with him than I have been all these years.
The fact is that my son's birth was pretty traumatic. I had extremely heavy tearing and bleeding and my son had to spend several weeks in the NICU. Needless to say, I felt pretty bad after I was finally able to bring my son home.
Over time, the physical wounds healed, but the mental ones just wouldn't go away, and the idea of anything or anyone coming near that part of my body makes me want to vomit. Whenever my husband touches me, I cringe.
Honestly, the idea of ever having sex again is unimaginable to me.
Dear Jane, I had an incredibly traumatic birth experience and it has completely put me off having sex – my husband is starting to get upset because I don't want him to touch me
My husband has been very patient, but I can imagine he's really struggling with the whole thing. I don't blame him – I'd be pretty upset if he trembled in horror every time I touched him – but I don't know how to explain that I've never felt so physically affected in my life I felt intimidated by intimacy.
And I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I worry that the birth of our child, which should have been the most beautiful event of our lives, will destroy my marriage forever.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
Any advice on how I can bring myself back to life?
Out of,
Postpartum nightmare
Dear postpartum nightmare,
What a deeply traumatic experience you had and what a tribute to the resilience of women that you had to endure all that pain and fear to create a perfect human being; What a tribute to your resilience!
I'm so sorry your husband is having problems. I'm not sure a man can truly understand why women are emotionally or physically unable to have sex, or what it feels like to never want to have sex at all again.
Be gentle with yourself. You have been through an incredible amount. Be gentle with your husband because often men feel that lack of sex with their partners automatically means a loss of intimacy and bonding.
No penetration is necessary for both of you to feel that intimacy and connection. There are many other things that can be done, but not before you deal with the trauma you have been through.
I suspect that seeing a doctor or therapist would be of great benefit to both of you.
You both need a place where you can honestly talk about the trauma you've been through and how you feel about your body and gender.
He needs to have an honest conversation about how it feels for him, whether a lack of sex is making him feel distant from you, and what you both can do about it.
A good professional will help you process this and talk honestly with each other so that you can find your way back to an intimate and loving connection.
Dear Jane,
A friend of mine got married over July 4th weekend this year and I was so excited to be there for her big day – until I tested positive for COVID the morning I was supposed to leave for her wedding weekend. I felt terrible because I didn't want to disappoint them, but I knew it would be even worse to risk going there and spreading COVID to the other guests.
So I texted her to let her know I couldn't attend, sent her all the well wishes in the world, apologized profusely, and promised I'd make it up to her.
On the day of the wedding, I texted her again to say good luck. I didn't get a reply to either message, but I suspected it was just because she was in the excitement of her wedding – so I made a mental note to call her when she got back from her honeymoon the following week.
But when I called, she didn't answer… and the same thing happened the next four times I tried to call her. Since then I have texted her several times and even sent her a DM on Instagram, all of which went unanswered.
She lives in a different city, so we don't see each other that often, but I'm devastated that she seems to have decided to end our friendship without giving me a chance to explain – all because I'm sick became?
Should I just cut my losses and give up on them or find another way to get through?
Out of,
Confused friend
Dear confused friend,
It doesn't seem to matter how old we are or how far from school we are, female friendships can be so complicated and painful.
You are not owed an apology or explanation for missing your wedding due to COVID. Your behavior, on the other hand – the unanswered calls, the ignored messages and text messages – are very big warning signs.
Dear Jane's Sunday service
Happiness is reaching a point in life where you know yourself well enough and like yourself well enough to know that you deserve people in your life who make it better, who bring you joy and peace, and who Don't necessarily have to be there. Take the time, but always treat them with respect and care.
She knows exactly how much pain she causes when she ignores you or “ghosts” you. It is cowardly, disrespectful and often brutal towards the person left behind.
Know that this is not your problem, but hers, that women who disappear instead of trying to solve it are not the type of women you want to have as close friends.
You can't force her to answer, nor should you; Stop sending her messages and do your best to move on.
When she's ready to discuss this at some point, she may get back to you, but until then, please know that you did the right thing and that her ghosting is doing you a huge favor.
I've had a few high-maintenance friendships along the way. I never knew when I would make a mistake—getting sick on my wedding anniversary or milestone birthday, leaving a party too early, not saying the right thing—and tiptoe around them on eggshells, dreading my next transgression .
Until I realized that I felt exhausted every time I thought about her. We are all too old to have friendships that cause stress and anger. Interestingly, women who set the friendship bar too high for anyone to get to know them tend to date through friends on a regular basis.
Her lack of compassion and forgiveness shows you what kind of friend she is to you. We all deserve to be surrounded by people who know that we are all juggling things, that we may not talk about them, but each of us carries a burden.
When our friends cannot perceive important events, we do not punish them with silence, but offer soup, forgiveness and compassion.