In today's society, sexuality has become ubiquitous. Around us. It's almost impossible to escape, and in reality it's nothing new. It's always been that way. Traditionally, this devastating desire, which drives many people to commit madness, betrayal and all kinds of nonsense day after day, driven by their libido, is channeled through marriage, courtship and sex in the marital bed with their partner. for life. However, as the passion of the first few months disappears and relationships become longer, the desire for sex decreases significantly. A study published by the International Society for Sexual Medicine concluded that 35% of couples have an average of one to three relationships per month. In extreme cases, it is said that 5% of people with a partner have had no more than one or two sexual encounters per year. But what happens when, for whatever reason, couple is no longer synonymous with sex? Is a sequel possible? Is it possible for everything to turn out satisfactorily if you take sex out of the equation?
“Relationships where there is no sexual activity are more common than many people think. “Especially if we understand sexual activity as penetration linked to orgasm,” says Laura Morán, psychologist, family and couples therapist and sexologist who has just published Perfectly Imperfectas (Destino, 2023), a book in which she presents different keys to this couple relationship is called work. “This usually happens because sexual relationships are important to many people, but not urgent. When we have to cross something off the list, we usually deduct hours of sleep and pleasure. Because of our hectic pace of life, we forego things that are relevant but not vital (although we usually make mistakes in doing so, for example when eating and resting).”
“In general, having or not wanting sexual relationships is usually a result of the combination of several individual elements and the relationship itself,” he continues. “One of the big problems can be stress, which generally limits our ability to feel pleasure, because when you are “attentive” you are ready to survive, not to enjoy. Furthermore, sexual relationships suffer first when there are disagreements, conflicts, or unresolved frictions in the relationship. Although the problem occurs in bed, it often originates outside of bed.”
Other factors that can upend the sexual regime of a relationship include the birth of children and the associated change in dynamics, as well as suffering from a physical or mental health problem. “Although sometimes it's less 'serious' things,” says the doctor, “both members of the couple simply find satisfaction in other shared activities.”
“There is no single rule that determines how much sex is normal within a couple. The frequency depends greatly on the respective relationship and the different stages of life,” says psychologist and sexologist Silvia Sanz, author of the book Sexamor (Aguilar, 2021). “It should also be noted that a lack of sexual activity does not always mean a problem in the relationship. Many couples have a very good emotional connection and do not have very frequent sexual activities, while others have a very strong passion and physical intimacy that is the basic or essential part of the relationship and then they do not function in the rest of the relationship areas. of the couple.”
The unbearable asymmetrical desire
Therefore, we could say that the short answer to the question we asked at the beginning of this article about whether it is possible to maintain a relationship without sex is: yes, of course it is possible, especially if both members of the couple are you are on the same wavelength and find that collaboration, communication, sharing a common project (e.g. a family or a company) or a common and lived hobby are enough to move on.
However, problems arise when the desire is asymmetrical. “If one party wants to have sexual relations and the other doesn’t, then problems arise,” says Morán. “Because it is quite possible that the rejected person does not feel that he is just rejecting the physical act of going to sleep, but that he is feeling a rejection of himself. That’s why it’s important to work on the “nuances of no.” Saying that you don't want to have sexual relations doesn't necessarily mean that you reject the person, but simply that you refuse to have sex with them. The problem is that if the situation drags on for a long time, is not talked about or is only discussed, it ends up leading to an irresolvable conflict between the two.”
“In such cases, the dynamics of the relationship change. “The bond is tense,” explains Sanz. “Sometimes the feeling of emotional distance causes things to get on your nerves more, to be more irritable, to put yourself less in someone else's shoes, or to feel frustrated. Self-esteem collapses: the person who wants to have sex feels unwanted and unattractive… And from this a whole range of problems can arise, such as infidelity and, in the latter case, breakups.
The harmful effects of these situations of forced sexual abstinence within the couple on our mental health are significantly exacerbated in comparison. People who go through such a situation tend to think that they are the only ones having this specific problem while everyone else is enjoying sex to the fullest.
Without the desire to fall into the “evil of many, the comfort of fools,” the truth is that this is obviously not the case. According to statistical data from the USA referenced in Psychology Today magazine, between 14 and 15% of couples rarely have sex. However, media, films and advertising give us a completely different picture of it. “We can feel very strong social pressure about what to expect from a partner in terms of frequency of sexual activity, which creates even more anxiety and stress,” says Sanz.
“The sexual freedom we enjoy,” explains Morán, “seems to require constant sexual pleasure. In addition, sex used to be something that remained hidden, and now we have to reveal it in some way on the networks in order to be considered successful people. However, as sexologist Joserra Landa says: When we try to normalize something, we tend to make it normative, and those are two different things. It is convenient to naturalize human sexuality alone and in pairs, but it should not be seen as an obligation or an imposition, because that is incompatible with it being truly pleasurable.”
How to handle the situation
Sex is often more important for what it implies than for the relationships themselves, since kissing, hugging, undressing, and giving and receiving pleasure involve communication, contentment, and generosity. It is an excellent way to strengthen the bond between two people. His absence makes everything more difficult for us, but not impossible.
“It is possible to increase a couple's intimacy by improving communication, thereby laying a solid foundation for seeking other forms of intimacy that are not just sex,” explains Sanz. “Create moments, surprises, shared activities. In short, focus hard on the good things we share, feel that emotional connection, and feel that it holds us together.”
“The first thing that should be clear is that sexual activity goes beyond our genitals and that caresses, kisses, hugs and complicit and intimate physical contact in a couple should also be considered sexual activity,” he emphasizes. Moran. “They are not a replacement for the orgasmic experience during sex. When this imbalance in desire occurs in a couple, I think it's best to take the opportunity to examine why this is happening and what you can do together. Of course they have to do it as a team, not as opponents,” he concludes.