Dear Jane,
In the fall of 2022, we made the decision to enroll our son in an expensive private school for several reasons, primarily because he needed much more attention and focus from teachers than he did at his regular public school.
And while it hasn't been easy for me and my husband to cope financially, how far he's come in his education has more than made up for the cost.
However, it was also difficult to understand how different things work in the private school world, from the social stuff with other parents to the intense behind-the-scenes politics, not to mention the insane pressure that is put on these kids every day becomes.
Then there are the teachers… my son had a great first year and accomplished so much with his sixth grade teacher that we were thrilled to learn that she would be guiding him through seventh grade as well.
But this year there was something wrong with her behavior. She doesn't give our child nearly the same attention as she used to and punishes her for seemingly completely unfair reasons.
Dear Jane, My son's teacher treated him terribly – and now other parents have told us it's because we didn't give her a summer bonus
Dress code violations because his uniform was “untidy,” detention for asking a question without raising his hand… If it had been an isolated incident, I would have let it pass, but it became so adamant that he now dreads going to school every morning.
I mentioned this to one of the other parents and asked if they had experienced the same thing – to which they asked if I had been “unfair” with my “summer bonus” for the teacher?
Maybe I'm a complete idiot when it comes to these things, but I had no idea that teachers expect any kind of financial compensation from parents?! Since when did tipping teachers become routine?
Apparently we were very “unfair” in her eyes with her “summer bonus” because we had no idea she was supposed to get one. And it seems ridiculous to me that we ever had to think about that?
But now I'm in the crappy situation of watching my child being unfairly teased without knowing how to fix it all. Do I send her an envelope full of cash? My son is already trying to get out of school after the holidays and I hate that I'm basically feeding him to the wolves.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
Any suggestions on how I can get this wolf to back off?
Out of,
I feel embarrassed
Dear Feeling Sheepish,
Once upon a time, when one of my children was much younger and struggling in middle school, we applied to the local private school in our area.
When we walked in, the admissions director immediately told me that she had read all of my novels and was a big fan. Well, I thought smugly. My child is an eye-catcher. All our child had to do was pass the entrance exam, and he is a very smart child.
On the day of the test, we dropped off our child and then picked him up again to find out that the test was “okay.” It turned out it wasn't okay, they didn't pass the exam and we didn't get in.
It was only after the fact that I was told that every child who takes the entrance exam at this school first receives intensive (and expensive) tutoring that essentially tells them exactly how to take an exam.
Passing or failing has nothing to do with the child's intelligence, but rather with whether or not he or she was taught how to pass a particular test.
I'm only telling you this story because I know what it means to be unfamiliar with customs and how you can end up unintentionally hurting a child because you don't know the customs of the school.
I've done my own research among friends with kids at various private schools and no one has ever heard of giving a summer tip, although things may be different at your school. Your first step is to find out if this is common practice at this school.
In any case, a teacher's job is to teach, not punish. Until you sit down with the teacher and find out why your son is suddenly being punished and whether or not it is justified, you won't have the full picture.
If at the end of the conversation you still think that your son is being punished unfairly, you can ask whether this has something to do with the fact that you were previously unfamiliar with the “summer bonus”. Only then can you decide what to do.
Dear Jane,
My father is a lovely person who would do anything for anyone. But…he has these terrible mood swings that are impossible to deal with.
He will say the most hurtful things to me and my family, then freak out and carry on as normal as if nothing happened.
He stayed with us over Christmas and it was like walking on eggshells to avoid getting upset – which he did regularly.
Even when I asked him not to do the dishes because I wanted us all to relax together. But instead of taking the opportunity to spend time with us and ignoring the housework, he flew into a rage that left everyone in a bad mood.
I know that the medication he is taking can cause mood swings because it has happened in the past, but I have no idea how to approach it with him in case it upsets him again.
To be honest, I was relieved when he left.
Dear Jane's Sunday service
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the hardest things we can do, especially when dealing with people we love.
At first it feels strange and wrong to be clear and honest about what we need or expect, but the more we do it, the more habitual it becomes.
A healthy boundary protects us from resentment and pain; it gives us our strength back.
But now he's talking about staying here again later in the year and I don't know if I can tolerate him staying at my house again.
How can I deal with this?
Out of,
Parental guidance
Dear Parents,
I'm so sorry you went through this, and I know what it's like to walk on eggshells around someone and be afraid they're about to explode. It is important to set boundaries here. You can't change your father's mood swings, but you can develop strategies to protect yourself and your family.
Setting clear, firm boundaries with an angry parent is one of the hardest things in the world, as is enforcing them.
It takes practice and persistence, but gets easier with practice. Remember that you have not cured his mood swings, you cannot control or cure them.
The only thing you can do to protect yourself from these outbursts is to discuss this behavior with him before he comes to you and tell him what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be if he crosses them .
Boundaries are always more effective when you can discuss them together.
Setting a boundary might look like saying to your father, “I'll be scared/overwhelmed/upset if you explode.” “I understand that you're not feeling well in these moments, and I ask that you please “To leave the house until you have calmed down.”
You don't need to add anything else, and next time he explodes, insist that he leave until he calms down.
For someone who has not previously set healthy boundaries, it can be very difficult to respect them at first. Especially if it is a beloved family member.
It's hard to stand firm and face the consequences, but it's the only way to teach someone what is acceptable and what isn't. It's less about changing their behavior and more about protecting yourself and your home.