Dear Jane,
My husband of 23 years had what could be described as a mid-life crisis not long ago (even though he's only 56!) and began obsessing over calling his “daddy.” -body”.
I always thought he was in pretty good shape, but suddenly he was going to the gym at least once a day – sometimes twice on the weekend – and he started seeing very quick results.
I guess he is what today would be described as “a hunk”, especially for his age, and he is understandably very proud of the work he has done.
The thing is…his newfound confidence makes me feel really bad. While he spends his time going to the gym, I pick up our three kids and take them to this activity and that, and by the time it's all done, I'm exhausted and can't even stand the thought of working out.
Dear Jane, My husband has transformed his “daddy body” into a muscular and lean body – and it has completely stopped me from having sex with him
But this lack of activity has given me a slight gut feeling and it's been years since I've looked in the mirror and truly felt confident. But when my husband and I were there together, it didn't matter.
Now that he's gone and completely “torn” I can't even bear the thought of him touching me. Our sex life has completely dried up because I can't get over these horrible thoughts about how disgusted he must be when he looks at me.
He hasn't said anything specific about my body, but he has made comments about how I might prefer to go to the gym because it's “so great for him,” and I can't help but take those as targeted digs at my own physical one Shape.
I have no idea what to do here. I felt so happy and comfortable for so long – but now it seems that blissful comfort was only on one side of our marriage?
Out of,
Mama Bod
Dear Mama Bod,
There's a lot going on here, and I feel for you because change is often scary – and the law of physics says that a change in one partner's behavior affects everything.
I want to focus on your sentence where you think about how disgusted he must be when he looks at you.
Dearest Mama Bod, your body has produced three children, gone through the mill, carried you through all these years, but what I feel behind your words is shame and self-hatred.
I'm guessing you're in your late forties or fifties, which means you're probably either in perimenopause or menopause. We all think we know what menopause will feel like, but yet we are shocked by the changes, by a body that redistributes weight, that holds on to every slice of bread we eat, that gives us bellies and sacks we never had before.
If there's anything I know about men, it's that they don't see the things we see when we look in the mirror. They embrace curves and softness, all the things that make us feminine.
It may be that your husband is gently suggesting that you go to the gym, not so much to change your outside, but – I suspect – to change your inside, to change the way you feel about yourself.
The thing is, life isn't much fun when we hate our bodies and ourselves. I don't know what it takes for you to love yourself, but I can share my own experience: I spent years hating my body, wishing I was thinner, thinking I was too big, too much, that life would only work for me if I were slim.
There were times in my life when I lost weight, and aside from the initial thrill of being able to wear anything I wanted, I quickly discovered that I still didn't like myself and was harder on myself than I was every body else.
Until I was brave enough to do the work – therapy, meditation, lots of reading about how to live a happy life, and perhaps most importantly, putting the focus on myself and my problems rather than trying to make someone else's To blame – I couldn't be happy.
Until we love ourselves, with our bellies, our goatee hair, our varicose veins, our warmth, our curiosity, our ability to give, all the magical gifts we have as women to be lucky, we will never be happy with ourselves as partners or our lives.
Your husband is clearly on a journey of his own, which is wonderful for him and scary for you. I can feel his love for you in this letter and challenge you to begin your own journey to learn to love yourself.
It may be that exercise is part of this journey, or it may be that you decide to accept yourself exactly as you are. In any case, this is a wonderful hint from the universe that it's time for you to figure out YOU. I send you lots of love and strength.
Dear Jane,
I have two sons from two different men – I am now happily married to the second.
My former partner, the father of my first son, also married a new woman with whom I get on very well. They now have a daughter together.
We all have a good dynamic and did our best to organize mixed family vacations and holiday celebrations, which was great. But for the last few cases, my ex's family has basically acted like none of my sons existed. They shower his daughter with gifts and praise but do nothing for his son. I understand (somewhat) if they don't want to give my younger son gifts and so on, but their behavior is taking a real toll on my eldest – who no longer wants to spend time with his father's family.
I tried to mention it to them a few times, but was told that I was ungrateful and that I couldn't be expected to have everyone else in love with my children.
I don't want my son to lose his connection to his father's family, but I have the feeling that they are pushing him away?
How do I talk her around?
Out of,
Become unmixed
Dear Becoming Unblended,
Dear Jane's Sunday service
Learning to accept and love ourselves is one of the most important keys to a peaceful life.
We spend so much time focusing on love, on loving others, and rarely think about what it means to love ourselves.
For those of us who grew up full of self-hatred and shame, it is a difficult journey.
But untold freedom and glory await us if we are willing to do the hard work of discovering who we are and loving that person with all our hearts.
I feel your pain in this letter. There is nothing worse than seeing your children rejected, especially by a family that is supposed to love them. Blessed are we who are fortunate enough to have modern blended families who recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes, all sexualities and skin colors, bound together by loyalty and love, by the knowledge that the logical family is not just of blood, but of people we choose.
Your son is already telling you what to do. As hard as it may be, your job as a mother is to raise good adults who can go out into the world and fly.
You can't always protect your children from hardships and rejection, and in fact, experiencing the difficult things will build resilience and drive. But not when these hard things come from his grandparents, aunts and uncles.
The modern blended family can be a wonderful thing. I initially had a very difficult time with my husband's first family, but now we have spent Christmas and birthdays together and it is wonderful for the children.
But for this to work in real life and not on a TV show, everyone has to participate and treat the children with love and respect. Your husband's family has not done this, and he is the one who needs to talk to them if it is important to him that the relationship between his son and his family continues.
If you can't see the pain they are causing, I urge you to stop the mixed holidays and communal celebrations.
Your boys can still maintain a good relationship with their father and with any family members willing to take them in, but you will not and must not mix further if your sons are rejected.