Dear Jane,
A few days ago my doctor informed me that I have stage 4 breast cancer. The odds are very stacked against me for a variety of reasons, and she has told me that if I want to have even the slightest chance of survival, I need to undergo serious surgery and treatment as soon as possible.
I am a mother and wife and the thought of not seeing my daughter grow up is simply unbearable for me. But the idea of her having to watch me go through surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and everything else in between is almost worse.
I can't bear the thought of my husband having to do it alone – nor can I think of him moving on with someone else who might one day raise my daughter as her own.
I've been sitting in silence with this news for a few days, trying to figure out what to do. I didn't tell my husband or daughter about my diagnosis because I didn't want to burden them.
Dear Jane, I was diagnosed with terminal cancer – but I kept the news a secret from my husband and daughter
I told a close friend who urged me to at least share the news with my husband.
She said it wasn't fair of me to keep this incredibly important thing a secret and let him be part of the conversation – but I disagree.
I think it's important that I understand what path I want to take before I tell him or my daughter about having cancer? Otherwise, they will be as confused and devastated by this whole thing as I am.
Honestly, I don't know what I want to do regarding treatment – but I do know that I want the space to make that decision without having to share in the grief my family will experience when they find out more about that.
Am I selfish for wanting to keep this to myself, at least for a while?
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
Out of,
Secret illness
Dear secret illness,
My heart is with you during this difficult time. I completely understand that you needed some time alone to process what this means to you without having to worry about other people's grief.
This is your journey and don't let anyone tell you what is best for you.
A cancer diagnosis, particularly, as you know, a stage 4 diagnosis, changes your life in ways that would be unimaginable if you are fortunate enough to have never been diagnosed.
Your life suddenly revolves around hospitals, doctors and treatments, and it can be difficult to remember who you were before this terrible thing came into your life.
Take the time you need to process this yourself and think through everything you need to think through before passing it along.
Please hear me when I say that I know a number of people with a stage 4 diagnosis who have successfully managed their disease and not only survived but thrived for many, many years.
The “C-word” is frightening to hear, from what I know from my own dance with it several years ago, but with immunotherapy and new studies constantly coming, there is more hope today than ever before.
If you are willing to tell people, you will undoubtedly find that their support and care throughout this very hard journey is an invaluable gift. I'm sending you lots of love.
Dear Jane,
My daughter hasn't spoken to me or my family in two years.
I wish I could tell you that there was a real reason for this rift between us, but the truth is that we didn't fight – she just told us that she had some problems with our family before having any contact broke off.
We've tried calling her, we've tried emailing her, we've tried texting her but she doesn't respond to any communication.
She moved to the Middle East around the same time she stopped communicating with us, and I can't help but feel like she's being influenced by the man she's living with. It feels like he has turned them against all of us.
When my uncle died, she didn't even send flowers or a message expressing her condolences. Her aunt is now in hospice care, battling cancer and stage four dementia, but she hasn't thought to reach out and ask how she's doing.
The only person she remains in contact with is her brother, so I can find out if she's safe through him, but I feel terrible about ditching him in the middle of this situation.
It hurts me so much. What can I do?
Out of,
Broken ties
Dear broken ties,
The modern term for someone stopping communication and disappearing without any explanation is “ghosting,” which is what your daughter appears to have done.
It's especially painful to be ghosted, not to mention the added pain, when it's your child, because without an explanation for what we did, we are denied the opportunity to perhaps explain or apologize.
I don't know the circumstances and I don't know whether your daughter tried to explain anything to you before the argument. As parents, it can be very difficult to hear where our children's pain is coming from, and we often dismiss situations by telling ourselves that our children are overreacting, being too harsh, or simply wrong.
Dear Jane's Sunday service
When families break up, it's often because one party sticks to its own view of things and refuses to accept another view.
Whether it's politics, different representations of childhood, or problems with alcohol or addiction, there will be no healing unless both sides are willing to listen to the other's point of view without trying to dispute it, willing to to apologize and take responsibility for their part – even if you don't think it had that much of an impact – and are willing to move on.
Sometimes it takes something like birth or death to bring about reconciliation, but that hasn't happened yet and I imagine how much pain and sadness there must be. On both sides.
Although you don't know what you may have done, the fact that your daughter chose to become estranged from you and that she did not contact you after your uncle's death tells me that she is probably in significant pain too will have.
Reconciliation can only happen when both sides are able to listen to the other side of the story without trying to make anyone right or wrong, when both sides can acknowledge their role, apologize and move forward to build a new relationship.
It's always worth having an open conversation directly with her, where you're prepared to hear all the reasons why she chose this path, without trying to prove her wrong.
And you shouldn't talk to her brother about it. In psychological terms, talking to her brother instead of her is called triangulation, which is both manipulative and toxic.
There's a podcast that I think will be a great resource for you. Calling Home with licensed therapist Whitney Goodman LMFT specifically addresses family dynamics. She has wonderful episodes about alienation and reconciliation.