How often do you have sex? Twice a week? A month? Or even a year? Glamorous comedian Katherine Ryan has admitted she has sex with her partner Bobby Kootstra “exactly twice a month”.
The 40-year-old also revealed that the couple records their bi-monthly lovemaking to ensure it happens. Whether you respond with envy or pity will undoubtedly tell you a lot about your own sex life.
It seems that people have an innate interest in what other people do in bed. None of us want to think that we're an outlier, and yet research shows that we all underestimate—often wildly overestimate—how much sex everyone else is having.
In the interest of scientific research, and perhaps to make us all feel better, we asked some brave leading authors to reveal their numbers…
I've semi-retired from sex – it's liberating
Marion McGilvary, 66
Personally, I'm just as interested in sex as I am in a two-week vacation in North Korea.
A little less, if I'm honest. For most of my life, Mr. Libido has been in charge, but with the combination of menopause (the gift that keeps on giving) and long relationship fatigue, I've finally broken free of his grasp.
The urge that has wreaked havoc, gotten me into so much trouble and into the beds of many highly disreputable and truly unfortunate men, has finally packed its suitcase and left.
I feel liberated. Luckily, my current partner has a loving relationship with football, country walks and his shed, so we are on the same page on this subject and united through very rare, perhaps biannual forays into marital bliss.
It turns out that none of us can be bothered. Yes, maybe I'd be convinced if Idris Elba rappelled down with a box of Milk Tray… or maybe not.
Marion McGilvary, 66, says: “Who has the energy for a lover, let alone the upkeep needed to support one?”
Who has the energy for a lover, let alone the upkeep needed to support him? Not to mention the emotional entanglements that creep in uninvited and lead to feelings.
Without it, sex is mechanical. It's problematic for them.
I have all the feelings I need at this point in my life and have no desire to enter into a relationship that will eventually lead me to the same place I am now – watching TV with a man wearing slippers.
A young friend told me that I gave her the best advice ever, which was to make sure she had sex at least weekly and not to break the habit.
She claims it saved her marriage. It didn't save mine, but maybe that's because he had it and I didn't. But now everything is gone. I'm semi-retired. Lest you think this is a select club with only a few members, think again. Ask around. Sex is like caffeine. Many of us have given up.
My handsome whippet is standing in my way
Hannah Betts, 52
Actress Patrick Campbell described marriage as “the deep, deep peace in the double bed after the hustle and bustle on the chaise longue”.
After nine years together, the depth of our peace is actually pure bliss. Nothing makes me happier than going to bed with Terence, 49. However, a little more hustle and bustle would be welcome.
The reason for this is not boredom or complacency. Far from it. When we began living together five years ago, our erotic existence was instead plagued by an eyesore – an eyesore that is beautiful, neurotic, and hotly adored. In short, we would be a lot more into it if it weren't for Pimlico, our whippet, which is the ultimate barrier method of contraception.
Pim uses his body to prevent anything that even remotely resembles sexual contact from attracting the other person's attention.
Hannah Betts, 52, says nothing makes her “happier than going to bed with her partner.”
At night she sleeps between us or between our legs and protects herself from possible influences. As a dog therapist we consulted explained, ours is a polyamorous relationship with a lot of focus on her.
The irony is not lost on me that I am writing this after a weekend in which we invited Pim on a romantic getaway to see if she would like to meet a dashing whippet bachelor. Unfortunately, they seemed content to stay in the friend zone.
But we had no pims and could get involved in the eroticism. It was wonderful; Middle age brings with it fabulously improved abilities. It made us realize how ridiculous we are.
We are lucky enough not to have children to get in our way and still find ourselves attractive. It is time to end this “high days and holidays” madness.
After the school run we shower together
Kate Wills, 39
When I tell other women in long-term relationships that my partner Guy and I have sex four to five times a week, they seem shocked.
Most people in my social circle only manage it a few times a month. Some of them haven't had sex for more than a year. That seems really unfortunate to me.
When Guy and I first got together in 2019, we had sex every day, sometimes even multiple times a day.
Of course, now that we're older and have a three-year-old daughter, our magic number has dropped a bit. But we always try to make time for regular sex, even if that means we have to schedule it.
Kate Wills, 39, reveals she has sex with her partner Guy four to five times a week
I love feeling desired and sexy; It's one of the few moments in the day when I can turn off my to-do list brain.
I think a big mistake many couples make is waiting until the end of the day to even think about initiating sex.
That's when you're most tired and/or too full because you ate a curry for dinner.
Guy and I sometimes set an alarm half an hour before our daughter wakes up so we can have sex in the morning, or we shower together after we drop her off at school. There is no rule that sex has to take place in the bedroom with the lights off.
I think it helps that we both work from home so we can have a quick cuddle in the middle of the day. Yes, we triple check that our Zoom cameras are turned off!
At 63, my sex life is better than ever
Sudi Pigott, 63
Being in love again right after turning 60 is exhilarating, sometimes stormy, and my sex life is better than ever.
Yes, in the exciting first days of meeting Stephen we almost always went to bed as soon as he arrived in London from his cottage in Suffolk or as soon as I arrived at his house.
Even as a dedicated foodie who writes about restaurants and all things culinary for a living, dinner had to wait and take second place.
More than two years later, our appetites have calmed down a bit and we're less likely to wake up in the middle of the night to have fun.
Yet we still happily hunger for each other.
Sudi Pigott, 63, describes her sex life as “better than ever”
We met through a dating website after a long period of me having short-term, temporary relationships with only occasional really good sex and more inconsiderate or just bad or incompetent performers.
Perhaps what helps keep the passion so ignited is the fact that we don't live together. Stephen still lives in Suffolk three nights a week so it's always exciting when we see each other again.
Yes, the realities of life and work have intervened, and yet we still have sex on average twice a weekend, unless we're on vacation and have all the time in the world.
Our most common time for sex is Sunday morning. Stephen uses his barista skills to spread coffee in bed.
Then we have plenty of time for relaxed, considerate sex before hearing Michael Berkeley on BBC Radio 3's Private Passions, which is quite fitting.
I live on a boat and it's too cold for intimacy!
Hilary Freeman, 52
These days my partner Mickael and I talk about sex a lot more than we actually do.
Talk in bed usually goes something like this. Me: “How long has it been since we had sex?”
He mentally calculated, “I don't know.” It's been a while. After this party? We should probably do it.' I answer, “Yes, and I would love to, but I’m way too tired and you have to get up at five.”
'OK.' He looked hopeful, “Are we doing it tomorrow night?”
And when tomorrow night comes, 'I'm sorry, but I can't keep my eyes open.' Let's do it on Saturday.'
And so forth. Simply put, while our mind is ready, our body is generally too weak.
Hilary Freeman, 52, says she and her partner Mickael talk about sex a lot more than they actually do it
Mickael works shifts, often leaving early in the morning or returning after midnight.
Consider that we have a curious eight-year-old child and live on a boat with thin plywood walls and sex disappears through the porthole.
When we first met 14 years ago, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Our relationship was long distance for three years, which helped extend that exciting honeymoon phase.
Of course, we are older now and familiarity weakens desire. But sex is still important to both of us. We always get along better when we've been intimate recently.
As a pain-stricken aunt who frequently gives sex advice, I'm aware that experts say to schedule lovemaking to end a dry spell.
But giving advice is easier than taking it. Diary sex just doesn't work for us.
It feels like another chore—buying milk, filing taxes, having sex—and we need the thrill of spontaneity.
That's especially hard to come by this time of year, when it's so cold on the boat that we go to bed wearing completely unsexy (and inconvenient to take them off quickly) socks, thermals, and leggings.
However, not everything is lost yet. On average, we still manage to have sex twice a month.
Friends discuss how to avoid sex
Susannah Jowitt, 55
Evening sex no longer works once you reach the age where you have separate bedtimes. I want to enjoy a long, hot soak in the bathtub while my husband dives in after a page of his latest heavy biography.
In our 25 years of marriage, Sunday mornings have become the only time we wake up together knowing we have nothing else urgent to do. Books are put aside. Phones remain muted. The knees begin to tremble.
Unfortunately, even this pedestrian routine is hectic compared to many of our friends. They haven't had sex in weeks, months, even years.
Susannah Jowitt, 55, says: “The problem is that women have often stopped being interested in their husbands, even though they still love him.”
I know this from too many girls' nights out where the focus is on how to avoid sex with your man. A friend maintained a bedtime beauty routine so heavily riddled with ointments and serums that her husband would simply slip without finding purchase, even when he could ignore the creams' medicinal aromas and deathly paleness.
The problem is that women have often stopped being interested in their husband, even though they still love him. That's the problem with everyone who receives hormone replacement therapy: We feel young, excited and vital again – but our husbands don't take hormone replacement therapy and are often fat, bald and snore.
I have two sets of friends who still have sex every night. My husband and I talk about it in awe. Each night! “That’s why I have no social life and can never read the book club book,” one of them tells me.
“None of us drinks anymore, that’s the guarantee of a restful sleep,” says the other.
How to find your magic number
By psychosexual therapist and author of The Science Of Sex, Kate Moyle
When it comes to sex, there is no perfect number. Frequency is not a good measure of sexual well-being. If you have really satisfying sex three times a year and it works for everyone involved, then it's not a problem.
Manage the “desire discrepancy”
One of the main reasons couples come to therapy is because of “desire discrepancy,” where one wants more sex than the other. The answer, although most people find this distressing, is to discuss the problem.
- Mark the conversation in advance (“Should we talk about sex this week?”) rather than forcing it on your partner.
- Use an article, a podcast, or a sexy scene in a movie as a trigger.
- Be positive. Try going back to the great sex you had and asking, “How do you feel about our sex life right now?”
- Be open to your partner's feelings and try not to take their answers as a personal attack. Focus on building “sexual currency” – all the signals that make you want sex. This could mean suggesting they go to bed (together) a little earlier, or it could be a tender kiss or a hug. A prolonged look or touch can help create a useful space for sexual desire to develop.
Adopt a sensual mindset
- Try to prioritize the sexual part of your relationship, but without the specific expectation of frequent sexual interaction.
- Desire is influenced by everything that happens around us, and it can be made more accessible to you if you know how to shift from functional mode to a more open and sensual state of mind (a relaxing shower? Dimming the lights?)
No more Hollywood sex
- Lower your expectations for Hollywood-style fireworks. Rest assured that sexual satisfaction can be achieved through countless forms of intimacy.
As told by Louise Atkinson