I have a conspiracy theory about this “secret” new baby.

Entertainment News / By /

Why are we here?

Singer Grimes – aka Claire Boucher, aka the former Elon Musk – had a baby, and that baby’s entire existence was a secret until this morning. There were other revelations, but this is probably number 1.

Is there a new guy in the photo?

No, the baby belongs to Elon Musk, so this is the couple’s second child, the younger sister of their first child, X Æ A-12.

So he’s not her ex?

It’s complicated – more on that in a minute – but apparently there was a secret reunion at some point. So that’s the big reveal #2: in addition to the secret baby, the secret to reunion. I know this shocking double tide of information needs a lot of attention, especially for those of us dealing with grief over the obituary we wrote last fall about Grimes and Musk’s relationship, which is now out of date. But I’m done with it, I swear, so we can move on.

[Read: A Brief, Weird History of Elon Musk and Grimes’ Brief, Weird Relationship]

How did no one know that this very famous singer was pregnant?

The baby was delivered by a surrogate mother, which explains why Grimes never appeared in public.

How do we even know about this secret child?

They say the celebrity profile is dead, so Vanity Fair really should pat itself on the back for being instrumental in this plot twist with its Grimes profile that went online on Thursday morning: Midway through the story, the reporter revealed the secret the baby is bona fide , a never-before-seen, secret baby never even heard of before, is hiding upstairs. For a beleaguered class of celebrity profile readers who have been living off little more than truffle fries for years, we never imagined in our wildest dreams that 2022 would bring us a secret baby drop via glossy long form.

Grimes invited a reporter to the very place where she hid her secret child?

I’m glad you asked about it. I have a conspiracy theory to offer. Isn’t it a little suspicious that Grimes had a Vanity Fair man in her house with an underground baby upstairs? Did she really expect a baby, an organism capable of doing only three things, one of which is crying, to be silent for hours while she chatted with the writer?

Good-

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    • Stay with me. We know that Grimes has put on media spectacles in the past: this is discussed in the article, but we all remember the whole ridiculous Communist Manifesto photo op, in which paparazzi suspiciously took pictures of her reading the famous pamphlet all over Los Angeles. It wasn’t really a brilliant move after all, though, so maybe she’s not playing five-dimensional children’s chess here. Maybe it was unintentional. We’ll never really know if the Vanity Fair writer heard that baby cry or if it was a plant. Until the baby grows up and spills, at least. Let’s hope she ends up with a very good memory.

    Okay, I feel like we’re avoiding a difficult topic. What did they name this child?

    The couple who gave us X Æ A-12 couldn’t just name the girl Olivia or Ava or whatever. They have the craziest naming reputation in the game to keep up. And keep that reputation alive: we’ll know this kid as Exa Dark Sideræl Musk.

    Exa Dark Sideæl’s name echoes her brother’s name in several ways: X-oriented name, inclusion of the digraph æ. Someone may argue that this is a derivative of the name of her older brother and sister. Or one could argue the opposite, that it is much better, because it actually consists of words that could be intelligently spoken.

    So they really get back together, right?

    Nope! Surprise. After the story began to circulate, Grimes had more news:

    The last time they broke up in the fall of 2021, Musk called them “semi-separable,” so who knows if that will last.

    Ouch? What is a “Mission”?

    Grimes explained, “The mission is ‘Sustainable energy, making humanity multi-planetary, and maintaining consciousness.’ Naturally.

    “Multiplanet Species”?

    According to Vanity Fair, for this, Musk will “educate” the boy, and Grimes the girl. Whether teaching is different from raising children remains to be clarified. And they will all one day live on Mars. There is a complex plan. Luckily for us, Grimes doesn’t plan to leave Earth for the red planet until she’s 65 or so, so we’ll have plenty of time to see how it all plays out.