Falling in love with a new home is often eerily similar to falling in love with a human being, one psychologist has explained.
Sabina Read, who will soon bring her psychological expertise to new series Selling Houses Australia, said there are “dominant parallels” between relationships and houses.
“In the search for love, we want to find someone who makes us feel good, who is aligned with our values, who lets us be who we are, who celebrates who we are,” she told Daily Mail Australia.
“And when we’re looking for a home, we’re looking for similar characteristics. We want to feel comfortable, that we belong here, and this home is easy to live in and reflects our desires, our values, and our needs.
A psychologist has found that falling in love with a new home is often eerily similar to falling in love with someone else. The picture shows a young couple receiving the keys to their new home
“We are blinded in a relationship in those early days. And in the same way, I think we can fall in love with a house.
“We can think this is where my career will skyrocket, or I’ll raise my kids, or I’ll find new neighbors and a sense of community.
Ms Read said that in life, as in love, it might be wise to trust your gut.
“When something really doesn’t feel right, when it feels like that person is saying everything right but maybe there’s a lack of authenticity underneath, or when a home seems to have a lot of qualities you’re looking for but that’s next to a screaming highway,” she said.
“You have to adjust to that. You can’t block out the noise of a busy freeway just because you love your home madly.
“And you cannot love a partner in a way that is particularly harmful or inappropriate to your needs.”
But Ms Read warned against setting your heart on anything far beyond your means.
“You think this is where you belong, you think this is where you want to live, you think this home will bring you happiness, and then there’s another pressure, which is financial,” she said.
Psychologist Sabina Read warns against setting your heart on a home or a romantic relationship that is way beyond your means
“We have to be honest and authentic with ourselves. We may have a fantasy of living a certain way and a certain lifestyle.
“But if it’s not feasible on a day-to-day basis, it will take its toll, and the same goes for relationships.
“You can look at someone from afar and think, ‘If I were with them my life would be perfect’ because they’re cute or extra outgoing or successful or whatever.
“But it overlooks the authentic connection and who we are and who they are for more superficial features.”
First impressions have long been valued in matters of the heart, but Ms Read said they are also important when looking for a home.
“We make a decision within seconds of meeting someone. do i like this person Do I trust this person?’ She said.
“When looking for an apartment, we do something similar. (Sometimes) we’ll stop in front of a house, look up and think, “No, that’s not for me.”
A couple look at an auction sign on display outside a home in the Sydney suburb of Beacon Hill
But no matter how important the first impression is, love and living must also be considered in the long term.
“We have to spend time either in a relationship or in a home to see how it feels. What is it like when you walk into a house and feel the sense of light, noise or nature,” Ms Read said.
“And likewise, on a first date with a person, you immediately get a sense of whether there’s a connection.”
Ms Read warned that without seeing someone in both good times and bad, it was difficult to really know them.
“The tip is not to evoke knee-jerk reactions, but to make time to sit with a human or a home. We change over time, and our needs, values and priorities change,” she said.
A psychologist warns that it’s difficult to really know someone without seeing them through their good times and bad. Pictured is a young couple on a couch
The myth of “the one” is common in love, but it’s also common in the housing market.
“So many people have this false belief that there’s a perfect person out there for them, and that can be true at home, too,” she said.
“People talk about their dream house, a dream partner, a dream job. And I think we’re really doing ourselves a disservice if we’re so rigid in our belief that there’s only one person who’s going to be a good match.
“There are millions of people we could connect with in meaningful ways and relationships around the world. And there are many, many houses.
“So if we’re too firmly entrenched in our wish list – ‘He needs to be that’, ‘She needs to be that’, ‘Homeland needs to have this or that’ – maybe we’re going to overlook certain home and partner games because we’re ‘ too fixed in our thinking.’
As much as one can get angry with one’s partner, so can one’s home, and both cases required some perspective.
Sabina Read (pictured) said many people have the wrong belief that there’s a perfect person out there for them, and the same can be true in their home
“When we run for the hills at the first sign of disappointment, we’re not acknowledging that we’re all flawed, we all have parts of us that are frustrated or confused or longing,” Ms Read said.
“Often when we see things in others that frustrate us, it’s because we dislike some part of that behavior in ourselves.
“So instead of judging with the finger outwards, we can point to the finer things in self-reflection.
“You won’t find the perfect person because you won’t be a perfect partner, and you won’t find the perfect home. There will always be a compromise to be made.
“Leave room to grow with a partner, to appreciate and explore change. And even in a home, your needs will change over time.”
Selling Houses Australia Season 14 premieres on March 30th at 8.30pm on Foxtel.
Sabina Read’s tips on finding a love match with the right partner – and a home
Trust your gut: If you have a feeling something is wrong, it probably isn’t. An unsupportive partner isn’t necessarily going to transform because you love them madly, and a home with an unstable foundation or incessant traffic noise isn’t going to change easily just because you style it with passion and endless rugs.
Bring compassion and realism to your expectations: the pursuit of perfection will lead to disappointment and can fuel a tedious, futile, and endless search for a person or home to complete us.
Play the Long Game: When the onslaught of the oxytocin love bubble takes over, we become love blinded, making it difficult to spot mistakes or warning signs. Only idiots rush in, so take your time, date in a variety of settings, spend time with your new friend in the company of people you love and trust. And when looking for an apartment, sit in the future apartment, watch the neighbors, observe where the light falls and explore the neighborhood.
Make it your own: Relationship dynamics and lifestyles are greatly influenced by our parents’ beliefs and behaviors. Create a relationship and a place to call home that reflects the way you want to show yourself to the world today, not necessarily the way you did as a child.
Be authentic with yourself and with others: While buyers strive to look their best, finding property in a chic suburb that’s beyond our budget will only do us a disservice in the long run. As with dating, when house hunting we can be tempted to expend energy on being someone we think others want from us, rather than tapping into who we really are.
Let go of rigid thought processes: keep an open mind. It’s time to ditch the notion that there is only one true soulmate or home that is perfect for you.