Friendships can be one of the most important relationships we have, with lots of laughter in the good times and support in the tough times.
But our friendships, sometimes formed in childhood and based on our own culture and values, can often come with great expectations.
Experts have now revealed what happens when these friendships go too far and become harmful.
dr Lisa Turner, trauma expert and founder of CETfreedom, explained to FEMAIL how to tell when a friendship has become toxic and unhealthy.
Experts have now revealed what happens when expectations in a friendship go too far and become damaging (stock image)
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A FRIENDSHIP IS TOXIC?
dr Lisa explained, “Some people have certain expectations in terms of how often they like to talk or see each other, what types of activities they do together.
“What makes a friendship ‘ideal’ is when expectations are similar and each other’s values are similar or at least respected.”
Trauma Expert Explains the UNHEALTHY Behaviors in a Friendship
1. You should tell your friends everything
2. Your friends should always agree
3. You should put the needs of others ahead of your own
4. You would sacrifice your needs or desires for friendship
When we can’t understand each other’s values and beliefs, things start to get harmful and toxic.
dr Lisa said: “It’s important to note that these rules vary by culture, family and even society.
“There are no hard and fast rules of friendship that everyone follows.
“We all do it the best we can, test them and see what works.”
Meanwhile, she explained that there are unhealthy beliefs in general that don’t lend themselves to friendship.
Among her list of harmful beliefs about friendships is the belief that we must tell our friends everything.
Additionally, some people have a strong belief that friends should always agree, that they should put each other’s needs ahead of their own, and that they should be willing to sacrifice their own needs or desires for the sake of friendship.
Rob Brennan, Life Coach/NLP Practitioner elaborated further, saying that it is an unhealthy expectation to think that someone will drop everything and be there for us whenever we want them.
He said: “We don’t understand the fact that they have their own journey and life, and that not coming doesn’t mean they don’t like us or don’t care about us.”
Jealousy is another toxic friendship problem, according to the life coach.
He explained, “For example, the kind of BFF posts on social media that portray a perfect kind of relationship where they’re constantly supporting each other and doing everything together just isn’t realistic.
“If either of them does something to someone else then that could be seen as a betrayal, or if they spend a little too much time with someone else there could be jealousy – these are all red flags of an unhealthy relationship that have to be be worked through.
“They should be happy when they spend time with other people and happy when they follow their own paths and their own journeys.”
“These beliefs can create an unhealthy dynamic in which one person feels they are constantly giving and the other person is constantly taking, leading to resentment and frustration,” said Dr. Lisa.
HOW TO DEAL WITH UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS IN A FRIENDSHIP
To deal with these expectations, it’s important to step back and examine why you have them and whether “they’re realistic or fair.”
She said: “Try to be honest with yourself about what you expect from your friends and whether those expectations are reasonable.
“It can also be helpful to share your expectations with your friends and have an open and honest conversation about what each person needs and wants from the relationship.”
She added that things get toxic when someone is being unkind, either intentionally or unintentionally, because of the expectations they have.
They are so fixated on being right and proper that they will do anything to prove it, leading to hurt feelings.
When you can’t voice those issues and respect each other’s boundaries, she explained, “You may need to consider whether it’s healthy for you to continue the friendship.”
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being, even if it means ending a toxic relationship.
“If you’re struggling to cope with a toxic friend, enlisting support from other friends or a therapist can also be helpful.”
Continue reading:
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Do YOU have a toxic partner? The expert reveals the five different types of unhealthy relationships — and how to tell if you need help