by Martha Serafini
Marriages are increasing on the one hand, and those who decide to leave each other on the other. “We must hurry,” they all repeat. But it’s a race full of risks
From our correspondent
Kyiv – It is not the time of cholera. And it’s not in peacetime. Despite the bombs and despite the fact that the war has turned their lives upside down for a year, young Ukrainians, whether civilian or military, are trying to somehow continue their emotional life between prohibitions, curfews and forced separations. There are people who – and there are a lot of them, because there were 20 percent more weddings in September than in the previous year – decide to get married.
Anastasia, 24, says: “We had loved each other for some time, but on February 27 we exchanged messages in which we promised to protect each other.” Anastasia, like many at the time, left the country for fear of war already left and found refuge with relatives abroad: “I returned in July for the first time since the beginning of the occupation and we got married, quick and uncomplicated ceremony”. But living far away is not easy. Anastasia’s husband is a front-line soldier and she is abroad again. “I visit him every few months, he doesn’t want me to live in Ukraine. We hardly see each other, but we hope for a baby soon, we already joke about the name », says Anastasia. “As laughing on the phone one night, we thought of naming it Javelin (since the US anti-tank weapon has become one of the symbols of that conflict, ed.)” Children and dreams of love in wartime.
But there are also those who, after February 24, decided to break off a stable relationship. For Ilya, 23, a student from Kyiv, it was an obvious choice. «My girlfriend went to Poland, I couldn’t follow her because of martial law (men between 18 and 60 are not allowed to leave the country, editor’s note), so I understood that each of us was in the place where the War he had laid down and I broke with her».
For Svetlana, 26, also a student in the capital, the decision to separate from her partner of three years was a mandatory step. Via WhatsApp, asking not to show her face, she says: “As a feminist, I can’t have a relationship with a partner who can theoretically be sent to the front and for whom I have to wait. And so I focus on work and on myself and find some peace. Now I’m thinking about studying in the United States, where my sister is already».
Tinder and curfew
And when it’s complicated to make plans for the future while Ukraine’s economy is at its worst ever (in 2022 GDP fell by 30 percent), it’s not at all easy to make new meetings. “Here in Kyiv, like in many other cities around the world, Tinder was very popular before the war. But now it’s difficult to rely on apps to find new partners. On the one hand, because the curfew (which applies in the capital from 11 p.m., editor’s note) restricts the possibilities for gathering. And secondly, with the world on fire out there, how can you remember to have fun?” closes Svetlana.
However, with Ilya it is the other way around. “When the odds of dying or being maimed become greater than usual, you are forced to value the time you have and try to enjoy every moment. In relation to others and beyond. That’s why I’ve decided not to waste any more opportunities, be it with a girl, be it at work or in the studio. Everything must be lived immediately, because tomorrow might be too late».
trauma and violence
For Andriy, 32, a Mykolayiv taxi driver, the war is a temporary phase. “I sent my wife and son to Poland, I stayed because I don’t want to leave my country. They didn’t call me to fight, but in my free time I do volunteer work and work with journalists. I put the money aside to send to my parents. So I seem to understand this terrible time ». Sure, nostalgia and distance complicate everything. “I wake up at night and look at her photos. And sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever live the way we did before…”.
Soldier Pasha, 45, sits on a bench in Kramatorsk and says that every holiday he makes love to his wife as often as he can. “It could be the last. That gives me the strength to start again. Back at the front, the thought of Tatiana (that’s the name of his partner, editor’s note) keeps me alive. I rub his photo. And I feel like he protects me.”
According to Rodion Hryhoryan, a psychologist who supports the military on the front lines, “War forces soldiers to suppress their emotions, be they fear or depression. And when they return home, they face tremendous difficulties in connecting with loved ones. You enter survival mode, laughing at the minimal emotions: but then stress and anxiety appear with a vengeance, risking causing post-traumatic stress syndrome ». In some cases mechanisms of distrust towards the rest of the world are also created. “For those who see their comrades dying, it’s difficult to come back and pretend nothing happened. Some things you can’t or don’t want to say to protect those around you. A mechanism that can trigger great anger towards the outside world. And often the first recipients of this discomfort are the companions and wives ». Hardly anyone in Odessa has reported cases of domestic violence or rape since the war began. Zhanna Mishkevych, a police officer in the city, explains in a bar: “I have a 16-year-old daughter who I have forbidden to go out alone. Because I know very well what goes through men’s heads when they think the world could end tomorrow. I prefer to be safe. When the war is over you will have time to dance in the evenings.’
January 14, 2023 (change January 14, 2023 | 22:57)
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