According to psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, the wellness industry has pathologized perfectionism.
With a practice in New York and working as a therapist for Google, she has had many successful clients. Many of them were perfectionists. Most of them believed they shouldn’t be.
In her new book, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, she says perfectionism is not a bad thing, it just requires management. To do this, you must first know what type of perfectionist you are, and then how to recharge your batteries (something perfectionists are extremely bad at).
After that, you will be able to redefine your perfectionism as a strength…
According to psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler, the wellness industry has pathologized perfectionism
Discover which of the five perfectionist types you are
Read the following statements and tick the ones that apply to you. The category in which you do best is your “Type”.
Classic
★ I am the planner in my group/family/team.
★ I like to bring an itinerary on vacation to get the most out of my trip.
★ I love a strict routine.
★ I feel that sometimes others find me distant.
★ Of course I open all my mail immediately; who does not? Spontaneity scares me.
★ If I find out my flight is delayed, I keep calm and immediately look for alternative flights and make a plan B.
★ When the flight attendants offer me peanuts as a snack, I politely decline. Dinner is in two hours and 25 minutes.
Violent
★ I’ve received feedback that I’m “Intense” or “Intimidating”.
★ When I feel overwhelmed, I express anger rather than cry.
★ It can be difficult to get in touch with me.
★ If other people like me, that’s great, but honestly I don’t care if people like me or not.
★ I set perfectionist standards for my environment.
★ Expressing my thoughts directly and concisely comes naturally to me.
★ If I find out that my flight is delayed, someone will hear from me.
★ When the flight attendants give me peanuts as an excuse for the flight delay, I get offended. I don’t want a bag of conciliatory snacks; I want my flight to depart when it is due to depart.
Parisian
★ I get a “Who do you think you are?” Vote when it comes to claiming my greatest goals and dreams.
★ It is a challenge for me to work with people who are very transactional and focus more on the product than the process.
★ I like a mix of routine and spontaneity
When I know someone doesn’t like me, it annoys me.
★ People seem to find it easy to get in touch with me.
★ I keep my deepest ambitions secret; It would be embarrassing to transfer them.
★ When I find out that my flight is delayed, I may get angry inside, but I don’t show it. I will be the “Perfect Passenger” by actively working to demonstrate understanding and a “carefree” attitude towards the crew.
★ When the flight attendants give me (and nobody else) peanuts, I feel special.
Chaotic
In Katherine Morgan Schafler’s new book, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, she says that perfectionism is not a bad thing, it just requires management
★ routine bores me; I like to live spontaneously.
★ I love starting new projects.
★ Enthusiasm is a matter of course for me.
★ I am optimistic about most things in life.
★ It’s hard for me to commit to something I’m not passionate about.
★ I love to share my ideas and goals early and often; The more people know about it, the better.
★ When my flight is delayed, I feel relieved. Between emails, catching up on my favorite show, and the gift shop, I get distracted at the airport and have missed a flight on more than one occasion.
★ When the flight attendants give me peanuts, I am so grateful. I often forget to eat lunch and these save me!
procrastinator
★ I know what I want to do; I’m just waiting for the right moment to execute.
★ I have a secret feeling that I could do a better job than 95 percent of the people who do what interests me.
★ I often think long and hard about what to eat in a restaurant because I want to make sure I’m ordering the best food possible.
★ I have a habit of buying things I’ve never used (cooking equipment, workout gear, etc.).
★ I like to gather as much information as possible before starting something.
★ I would never leave a job without either a new job on the horizon or a clear and thorough plan for what’s next.
★ Beginnings involve a lot of excessive anxiety for me.
★ As much as I’d love to travel more, I haven’t booked a flight yet because it’s so busy at the moment.
How your guy can charge
Schafler says that charging is notoriously difficult for perfectionists. “Taking harmless time off… doesn’t feel harmless,” she explains. For the perfectionist, relaxation does not have to mean doing nothing. Here are some ideas on how to actively recharge your batteries.
Classic
Pay meticulous attention to details such as B. One hour to design a single shelf on a bookshelf.
Violent
Express aggression in healthy ways, e.g. B. through sports or sports.
Parisian
Do something to help you feel connected, like putting together a grooming kit or taking your mind for a walk.
Messy and procrastinators
Engage in activities that can be started, continued, and finished in one session, like cooking a meal or the glorious trifecta, writing a thank-you letter, addressing the thank-you letter, and mailing the thank-you letter.
Now that you’re recharged, you can see…
Classic
★ It’s not that you need perfect order or organization, it’s that you value function and beauty.
★ Chaos is not the same as Dysfunction – the latter is avoidable, the former is not.
★ You still love to plan, you still love to organize, you still love to make it beautiful – you do it because you want to, not because everything falls apart if you don’t.
★ You accept that superficial perfection does not eliminate dysfunction and that superficial perfection does not exist.
Violent
★ The result doesn’t have to be perfect; You want to matter—to others, to the world, and to yourself. You focus on being human as opposed to being an “added value.”
★ You matter now, and your life matters now.
★ It’s okay to be supported. Your way is not the only way. You have compassion for the part of you that desperately wants to feel important, the part of you that doesn’t know you already matter.
★ Nothing immunizes someone from making mistakes. No matter how adaptable or healthy we become, we all will continue to make mistakes.
Parisian
★ It’s not that you want everyone to like you all the time; it is that you have a living understanding of the power of connection.
★ The need for validation from others is pathologized in the world of pop psychology. The truth is that people need to be seen, heard and understood by one another.
★ Anger and frustration are healthy, natural, and informative.
★ It’s okay to direct your caring qualities to people, places, and projects that reciprocate the quality connection you offer.
Chaotic
★ It’s not that you’re too disorganized to pull it off or that you need the middle of the process to be perfect, it’s that you’re trying to avoid losses.
★ Every decision you make comes with a loss. You cannot live in all cities, you cannot marry all people, you cannot accept all offers or bring all ideas to life.
★ It is possible to take stock of your values and decide what you want to commit to and what you don’t want to commit to.
★ Because present loss triggers past losses, the work of pursuing your potential carries more emotional weight than you may have initially realized.
procrastinator
★ It’s not about the start being perfect; it’s that you want confidence that you’ll be okay, even if you fail.
★ For you, loss is anticipation: what if what I want doesn’t work out? Then who will I be? Then what will I have?
★ Your eyesight won’t deteriorate just because it doesn’t look the way you expected. The vision changes because it grows – and it grows
because you gave him life.
★ Being ready and being in control are two different things. Acting intentionally and then leaving room for what happens next is metamorphic
This is an edited excerpt from The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler to be published by Orion Spring on 19th January 2023 for £16.99*. It will also be available as an e-book and audio book