warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
Suppose you are a young gay man who has been practicing ethical findom (economic dominance) for a few years and you are doing well and you are satisfied because you are making nice sums of money thanks to your finsubs, aka “tributes”. and in return you give something back. In my case, I send erotic messages and photos, and when a diver earns my trust, I meet them. Let’s further assume that one of your trusted divers—someone you’ve been ethically leeching for a number of years—offers to put everything they own in your name: house, condo, beach house, savings, stocks. All. According to this person, it’s his biggest fantasy, and he asks you repeatedly. Do you have to say no? Under what circumstances would it be morally justifiable to say yes? Let’s say this particular diver has no children, is not married, and his closest relatives are homophobic Trumpians who behaved terribly when he came out. He doesn’t want anything to happen to them. If I don’t accept, he says he will give everything to charity. I’m thirty-two (so not very few), he’s seventy-two and not very healthy. By adopting, I would settle down for life and be able to help my parents. What do you think? What if I had to marry him to make it taxable? I should? A sane person would never suggest such a thing, am I right? I half expect him to come to his senses at some point and think I’m a monster for agreeing. If I do this, can I still consider myself an ethical Findom?
– This incredible opportunity to entertain seriously
PS I have told him he can leave me whatever he wants in his will, but he says he wants to enjoy the experience of giving me everything while he is still alive.
I had three gay online business dominants read your letter at random. All three envy you badly, and all three – what a surprise – think you should take money, house, apartment, beach house and everything. In fact, two of them used the same three words as their first answer: TAKE THE MONEY!
But since you seem concerned about the ethical implications of the very specific situation you are in, SETUP, I also asked two real ethicists to read your question.
“The basic, fundamental and established assumptions of a Dom/Sub relationship are that it is self-initiated and that both parties are ‘sanity’ in the matter,” says Dr Uehiro Center for Practical Ethics at the University of Oxford. “With that being said, if SETUP genuinely believes that his sub may not be ‘sane’, that they want to give him all these assets due to a blackout in his decision-making capacity, then yes, it would be opportunistic and wrong to accept his proposal.” .
So… for Dr. Earp shouldn’t you take the money?
Not exactly.
dr Earp also cites a debate in bioethics, his specialty, that may support the accepting money hypothesis. To assume that your sub is out of his mind just because he wants to do something that others may find reckless or even harmful would be “uncomfortably condescending” to you.
“Suppose a person refuses dialysis because they are ‘suicidal’ and don’t want to put up with the inconvenience,” explains Dr. earp “Doctors essentially found in a recent real-life case that the mere statement that they prefer death — which sounds quite painful — to the doctor-recommended treatment suggests that the patient is unable to support themselves to opt for treatment and that he is therefore forced to undergo dialysis “for his own good”. By reasoning in this way, however, it becomes possible in practice to state that a person is unable to understand and want – a person who would otherwise not be considered as such – whenever he makes a decision that you think is wrong.”
So, dr Earp, to avoid even the faintest hint of patronizing behavior – God forbid – do you think you should take this money?
Not exactly.
If there is evidence of mental impairment unrelated to the decision in question – that of the diver to transfer everything he owns to you – this further evidence would advise against giving the money, house, etc .to accept.
“If SETUP has other, independent, valid reasons to believe that the diver is not ‘of sound mind’ beyond the simple fact that he has offered to forfeit his entire fortune,” says Dr. Earp, “then it wouldn’t be like it would be condescending to tell him, ‘No, I won’t do as you ask.’ But if the only reason to believe the diver is out of his mind is the suggestion he made, then it is possible that the reader is projecting his or her own values, preferences, or worldview onto the diver, which, by the way even disrespecting the submarine is autonomy”.
In short, if all of their assets on your behalf are the only folly your sub wants to do, you can accept the money. But if that wealth transfer is a mad tree in a forest of madness, you can’t accept any money.
But how crazy is it really to want to give someone everything you own?
“If we think that giving away everything you have without ‘expecting anything in return’ is a sign that a person is not at their mental peak,” reflects Dr. Earp, “then I’m like, why not draw that? Same conclusion if Would this person only want to give most or half of their belongings away? And why not establish that the mere fact of entering into a Findom relationship as a diver is enough to prove a person is of unsound mind? But unless SETUP is willing to admit this, which I don’t think they are, I don’t see why – in the absence of further evidence demonstrating indecisiveness – it should think the sub’s desire is the most giveaway his stuff, or all of it, is in itself pathologically irrational.
Well, when it comes to important decisions – and this one definitely is – it’s always worth getting a second opinion.
“I don’t think it’s morally unacceptable to marry that person,” says Dr. Manon Garcia and quickly allays one of your fears. “Marriage has long been used as a means of protecting and transferring wealth,” and you are free to do so while remaining ethical.
Zooming out says Dr. Garcia, Professor of Practical Philosophy at the Freie Universität Berlin, one must remember Kant’s “humanity formula”: “Act in such a way that you always treat humanity, i.e. in your person as in the person of everyone else, always as an end and never as Medium” (it is the first appearance of the German philosopher Immanuel Kant [1724-1804] in wild love. Too bad he is no longer with us to enjoy it).
That means, explains Dr. Garcia that we have a moral duty to treat the person as an end in himself and not just as a means to attaining our ends.
“It’s a very demanding task,” continues Dr. Garcia gone. “It requires paying attention to the specifics of people and the fact that they are not abstract beings but individuals with their own cognitive limitations that can affect their ability to consent in certain situations.”
Let’s say it again, if your sub isn’t sane, you can’t accept the money. But if you know him well enough – and you love and respect him – and you believe that he really wants to give you all his money and that he has the cognitive ability to make that decision and that it would make him happy – that Achieve goal he desires – you can take the money.
Needless to say – but I’m telling you anyway, SETUP – you have a conflict of interest. Therefore, if you wish to act morally, you can ask your sub to undergo a thorough psychiatric evaluation before agreeing, and perhaps arrange some sessions with a couples therapist who is extremely open about sex and unusual sexual fantasies, and with whom you two can confront before the sub pays the final toll on you.
Back to Enlarge…
In the past fifteen years, the fetishism of economic dominance has exploded. I think its sudden popularity has to do with the collective social trauma of the 2008 global financial crisis and how phones have enabled a certain type of fantasy gaming and remote sex work. While SETUP is the first Findom I’ve heard of addressing this specific dilemma/pleasant problem – a finsub nearing the end of its life and wanting to leave it all up to it – I doubt it will be the last. The others, I have the impression, will face more difficult moral dilemmas. But assuming SETUP was telling us the truth – it was his diver who suggested, not him who asked; there are no children or other dependents – in your case the decision seems easy enough to me.
But let’s imagine – theoretically and because the question might arise again in the future – your diver would have children. Could SETUP accept the money in this case?
“Parents have responsibilities to their children,” says Dr. Garcia.
He then refers to French law that obliges parents to leave at least 30 percent of their wealth to their children, even if the children are retired.
“In most cases, that is, when the child does not have psychopathic tendencies, the parents have some responsibility for how their children treat them,” continues Dr. Garcia continued, “therefore, the behavior of the children cannot be a prerequisite for total disinheritance. I also think that after the death of a parent, inheritance often plays the role of a token of love and that therefore it means leaving children nothing, doing them wrong, regardless of the behavior they have had, and this because the parents do have done a duty to love their children. Therefore, in my view, if the SETUP sub had children, it would not be morally legitimate to agree to receive more than 50-70 percent of his wealth, depending on the number of children.
Finally, SETUP, once the money is yours – if you accept the diver’s money – you can do whatever you want with it. Perhaps even set up a generous trust fund that your diver can use for the rest of his life, with any remaining monies returned to you upon his death. If he doesn’t want and/or need the money from that check that would arrive in the mail every month or quarter for the rest of his days, he could give it to you. That way, even if it’s all yours, he can still pay you “tribute,” which he clearly enjoys doing.
Good luck, SETUP, whatever you decide to do. And a big hello to your sub and parents, and don’t forget a big tip for your favorite columnist.
follow dr Brian Earp on Twitter (@BrianDavidEarp) and learn more about his work and books at brianearp.com__. The Twitter account of Dr. Manon Garcia is @ManonGarciaFR and you can find her work and books at _manon-garcia.com__._
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)