REMINDER
IN LOVE: A MEMORY OF LOVE AND LOSS
by Amy Bloom (granta £16.99, 240 pages)
The nightmarish agony of this situation is all too real for countless families. How do you handle it when a loved one, diagnosed with some form of dementia, faces a gradual but inevitable descent into a living death?
The story of how American writer and academic Amy Bloom and her husband Brian Ameche faced this terrible dilemma is told by Bloom with stunning honesty and surprising wit.
A recollection culminating in a final trip to Dignitas in Switzerland may sound unbearably depressing, yet Bloom’s heartbreaking account of loss is bold, tender and ultimately life-affirming.
Those who have experienced dementia will recognize the author’s increasing uneasiness as her husband’s behavior became increasingly odd. It was more than a case of heightened forgetfulness. Dementia can change a personality and lead to worryingly uncharacteristic behavior. For example, Brian once gave Amy an expensive, ugly tulle-trimmed sweatshirt—not something she would ever wear.
Amy Bloom with husband Brian Ameche. Amy tells the heartbreaking story of how Brian decided to end his life after receiving the news that he had dementia
It may sound trivial, but such an action is a step on the way to cohabitation with a stranger. The handsome, intelligent college footballer-turned-architect strayed into familiar places, stopped reading, and became distant. Something was wrong.
But of course, denial sets in — until the symptoms become too worrisome to ignore. Then comes the pain of getting a diagnosis, and at that point the reader reaches what is not so common in this couple’s story. As Bloom puts it with characteristically terse parsimony, “Once Brian was finally diagnosed, it took him less than a week to decide that Alzheimer’s ‘long goodbye’ wasn’t for him.”
The strong, easygoing man expressed his determination to end his own life before morphing into a person he may not have recognized. But how to achieve it?
Brian Ameche and Amy Bloom had left other partners and married in their 50s and enjoyed an occasionally turbulent but very happy life in Connecticut. Amy’s children and grandchildren also became Brian’s and this family life brought them great joy. But when Brian announced this death sentence on himself, they didn’t tell the family at first. The response from others, particularly medical professionals, was generally not encouraging.
Amy (pictured) spends a lot of time in desperate tears knowing that the full force of their love won’t be able to stop their chosen escalator
In liberal America, trying to end your life in a rationally self-chosen and painless way is not that easy. Even in states with so-called “right to die” laws, the obstacles are enormous unless the surviving spouse is happy to go to prison. Bloom says bluntly, “People who want to end their lives and shorten their time of great suffering and loss – these people are unlucky in the United States of America.” And in the UK too.
When the pair finally believe that Dignitas is the only solution, they are further tormented to realize that the decision is far from easy, as there are many unforeseen checks and balances. They read with great compassion as the pair search for the right form of validation for Brian’s sanity.
Nevertheless, it is reassuring to note that the assisted suicide in Zurich did not come about out of a depressive mood. There are many who abhor the idea of organization, seeing it as an amoral killing machine, yet remembering the dignity and determination of two friends, a wonderful couple, both terminally ill, who chose this path together and died in the arms of their hands.. .of course I disagree.
The heartbreaking but captivating story moves back and forth in time, making the reader feel like they really know this couple. Amy Bloom spends much of her time in desperate tears, knowing that the full force of her love won’t be able to stop the escalator of her choosing.
IN LOVE: A MEMOIR OF LOVE AND LLOS by Amy Bloom (granta £16.99, 240 pages)
She defends the desire to end a severely compromised life as delicately and forcefully as I have ever read. She and her husband believed passionately that the quality of that life matters most: “I say if you think that long life is of great value just because it is our only time here on earth or because you appreciate God allotted it or because there might be a possibility of a treatment or cure for your condition in your life if only life is long enough – your view will be different from mine.
“If you’re the kind of person who sees death as an enemy and living on itself as a victory, no matter how lonely, painful, or disabled that life may be… Your view is different from mine and different from Brian’s. ‘
The full narrative begins on Sunday, January 26, 2020, on a plane from the United States to Zurich, a final trip from which Amy Bloom will return alone. The story then unfolds in finely written short chapters until we accompany the couple to the room where the fatal dose is administered and Brian’s life ends.
But that’s not the end. For Bloom concludes with a beautiful account of their wedding anniversary in September 2007, when she and Brian publicly exchanged vows and (so touching to read) their private vows – each saying, “I will love you every day of my life.”
And they did.