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dear amy: My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. As a bride, I plan to make certain requests to my guests to ensure my special day is as perfect as possible. For example, I require that my guests wear only yellow to the ceremony.
My fiancé was supportive, but he angrily denied my other request: that our guests remain silent during both the ceremony and the reception (to ensure the focus remains on us). My fiancé said it was irrational. He doesn’t want a silent marriage.
I know it’s unusual. I’ve never heard of anyone else having one, but we have had them in my family. Guests are not allowed to speak at all during the ceremony, and the only toasts are allowed by the mothers of the bride and groom. Instrumental music is played softly.
During the reception, guests are allowed to whisper to each other but not speak loudly. As a newly married couple, our focus should be on each other and not on any noisy guests.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but I think I should have the wedding I want to have the perfect start to our lives together. I want him to support me even if we disagree on something.
Is my fiancé’s lack of understanding and support a red flag?
Be silent: Congratulations! You are about to achieve legendary Bridezilla status. Yes, many flags are flying over this unusual affair (and of course they are yellow).
I hope your fiancé is paying attention, because if you’re so self-centered now – I can only imagine what the dynamic will be like later, for example if you decide to have children.
Somewhere down the line you seem to have gotten the idea that a wedding is only for the bride, to cater to her whims and fantasies. no Public weddings are family celebrations and should celebrate the union of two families.
It’s not your fiancé’s job to support you, no matter how stupid your ideas are. That’s not how marriage works.
Let’s start with your request that all guests wear yellow. I’ve never seen a man’s yellow outfit that didn’t resemble a giant banana.
Let’s get quiet. Generally, guests do not speak during the wedding ceremony unless asked to read aloud. But a silent reception? Aside from a few traditions associated with a Quaker wedding (which yours obviously isn’t), the idea of a silent reception works well with your color scheme: bananas, basically.
If you don’t want noisy guests, then limit (or don’t serve) the alcohol. If you want the focus to be solely on you, get married in a small room in front of a mirror.
dear amy: My husband and I invited my side of the family to Thanksgiving dinner. However, our niece and nephew asked if they could bring five more people to our dinner.
We don’t know these people (except for two of them) so my husband said no because we had two newborns, but mainly we found it very rude for our niece and nephew to ask.
We would have accepted the two people we knew, but beyond that by no means. What do you make of it?
Concerned: Thanksgiving is traditionally a dinner where the spirit is one of openness and hospitality. It is also a traditional dinner that can be very difficult to prepare and host.
My basic point is that unless the request itself makes the hosts feel backed into a corner, which this request obviously did, it’s not necessarily rude to ask for more guests. Five people is a lot of extra people to accommodate.
They asked, the answer was no, and – assuming they graciously accepted the answer – I hope everyone moved on.
dear amy: I think you made a mistake in your answer to “Please clean!” She was about to move in with a friend whose apartment was extremely dirty.
You suggested that on the first date she should have walked into her boyfriend’s messy apartment and said, “No, no, no.” That’s rude!
With a boyfriend she’s moving in with, she should be comfortable enough to bring up difficult topics. She should address this more kindly.
A: I was being a bit sardonic. My general point was that she should have been honest about the condition of the apartment very early on.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson, distributed by Tribune Content Agency