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Dear Caroline: For many years, one of my oldest friends has kindly taken in my cats for a month every summer when I’m out of town. As they live in an upper floor apartment with a balcony, they have always asked me to help them install some safety barriers to reduce the risk of a cat falling off and meeting an untimely end. I told them that I thought the risk was very small, but I went along because it gave them security.
This year I have to delegate the cat levy to my partner who shares my opinion that a barrier is unnecessary and…doesn’t want to help with the installation.
My friend is upset about this and complained bitterly to me. While I have sympathy, I resent the fact that when they have a relationship with my partner of their own, they expect me to be the messenger and could easily express their disappointment directly.
In such situations, is it acceptable to treat someone as a proxy for their other half? What’s the best answer?
Stuck in the middle: The answer is sure that it would be easier for your boyfriend to talk to your partner directly. Still, the favor is between you and your friend, not your partner and your friend, so it makes more sense to talk to you.
But you asked me the wrong question and chose the wrong target for your grudges.
The problem here is your partner’s rather heinous decision to pull a hard line on the minimal effort of amusing one of your “oldest friends” who does you a huge favor each year.
You’re not stuck, and your “Medium” status means you need to make your partner aware that if they do you a big favor, you’ll either give them what they need or stop asking them for favors request.
And yes, you are also asking your partner for a favor—one that you hope they will either fully comply with or refuse outright because half-enacting the favor has stirred up resentment that you may have the goodwill to your friend could cost .
Are you sure about this partner, may I ask? Sure sure? The only information I have to share is of course Catgate, but missing out on such a fundamental opportunity to be a good sport doesn’t make your partner look good.
Dear Caroline: I believe my granddaughters, 12 and 7, are spending far too much time with their devices and I have addressed the fact that the Surgeon General is now addressing this. How much can I push as a grandparent? You go to bed every night with a device, not a book! And if they hang out with me, which they often do, can I set my own rules about time limits?
Doting Grandma: The question is not how much you can push, but what possible consequences of pushing are acceptable to you. For example, you “can” push 24/7 if you are willing to risk your entire relationship and likely lose it all.
I’m assuming you’re not ready for that. That means you must decide how much of your time and your relationship with your granddaughters—and their parents—you are willing to devote to this problem…cause…crisis.
And when you actually become so zealous about the cause that you piss off the girls, they lose one of the most important emotional connections that serve as a shield from the potential dangers of life online. That’s an ironic result that you’re dying to avoid.
The answer to your second question is yes absolutely, you can set rules when they are with you. One way to work around this issue — not too soft, not too hard — is to focus it on the larger issues of devices and overuse, and damage and surgeons in general, and instead solicit the girls’ opinions on some limits, because things matter to you just better fallen way. No phones, for example, at your home overnight, at the table during meals, or on any “excursions” they take with you. Create zones without screens for x-hour chunks of the day, or conversely, allow scheduled check-in or play times on otherwise unconnected days. Giving them a say shows respect and encourages them to get involved. This NPR article is teeming with ideas.
Even when you’ve decided on the rules, don’t preach—just lay them down and stick to them with unshakable goodness. The moment you start badmouthing the gadgets or girls’ gadget habits, or blaming the gadgets for the destruction of civilization as pre-gadget people once knew, you will encourage defensiveness and your voices to universal behavior join the grown-ups – non-get-it snarling chorus already loud enough to startle the angels.
Children may resist visitation under the new terms, but they are young enough that their parents can veto to refuse attendance. Enlist both their and the children’s support for carefully designed unattached spaces when the children are with you. The rest is rightly up to the parents to decide.
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