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Adapted for an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have demanding jobs and two elementary school-aged children. We are all busy, active people who regularly exercise, socialize and pursue our hobbies. We don’t have any local family. Even though we have most aspects of our lives under control, our house is messy and cluttered, even though a house cleaner comes every two weeks. I feel that it is impossible to be good at everything at this stage of our life and have consciously chosen to prioritize other things. My husband and I discussed a plan to make things right.
My in-laws were just visiting. After they returned home, they read us the riot act over FaceTime about the poor condition of our house. I think it would have been completely fair if they had asked us to clean up more before future visits. They said that, but didn’t stop there. They said they were worried our children were being bullied and they thought we might have a hoarding problem.
I think it is a huge violation of boundaries to claim that we are mentally ill and to attack our upbringing. I’m really hurt. We’re not perfect, but we’re raising two nice, amazing, healthy, active kids who have friends and do well in school. We have great careers and a large community of wonderful friends. We exercise regularly and cook delicious, home-cooked meals almost every evening. We need to get our house in order, but we have a plan for it.
I have a hard time getting excited about people walking around my house looking for dust. I also believe that we need to address the border issues. This is not the first time they have criticized our education. Any advice?
Tell us: What is your favorite Carolyn Hax column on alienation?
Busy: Where is your husband? Every minute that passes weakens the power of his rebuttal: “That was rude and inappropriate, and I await your apology.” [Spouse]. If you want to criticize us, talk to me first. I’m proud of our family.”
He is the linchpin in border issues. If he refuses, it is a marital problem that has spread to your in-laws.
They still stay in a hotel for future visits, and unsolicited opinions are ignored, so conversations are ended immediately.
I’m sorry they took this route.
Thoughts from many readers:
· I think busy is rightly characterized by the in-laws overstepping, but it might be worth taking a look to make sure the house is just cluttered and not downright dirty.
· See if the extreme clutter bothers your children. There was a time when I didn’t want to have friends over because my parents’ house was so messy.
· The kids don’t care, and other parents are relieved when other houses are as messy as theirs. Keep doing what you’re doing (assuming your house is safe) and ask your husband to tell his parents to back off.
· I would ask a friend I trust to be 100 percent honest about the condition of the house. Just in case there’s some truth to it.
· Please do not allow your in-laws’ words to affect the warmth and welcome you extend to your children’s friends. Many of these children also come from messy homes.
· The in-laws’ performance was terrible, but that doesn’t mean they have no purpose. Children don’t have much of a say when they’re young.
· I think we are focusing on the wrong thing. It’s not about what condition of the house is acceptable; The problem is more that the in-laws approached the matter with guns drawn rather than investigating the matter.